Running water is heard in the distance, as the green tuffs of grass sway in unison for ritualistic purposes alone. Dancers float past me, they'll forever remain a dream because they couldn't have really been there. The wind is cold today…that's why I am huddled up to keep from shivering. The beanie on my head is pulled down to keep my bald scalp feel protected from curious eyes. Sunshine finally peeks out from behind the clouds, which I guess now I stand out. Like a stage light it consumes me, only me as everything else apart from me remains either dying or lifeless. No one will notice though…
I suppose you could understand that I am very misunderstood, but I'm not. I'd choose to be misunderstood with it all figured out in my head at least, than be the lonely person that fights with herself in her head. I use to have confidence and now I can't even manage to feel well enough to be happy. I wish they cared about my well-being and if what I could say, should say, or had said was important to their way of living. I'd like to say they cared for me still.
The sunshine has left me, like my family, and the few people I thought I could call friends. Dramatic? No, beyond words is where you'll find me hysterical. In my eyes, past my eyes into the insides of my capsule where blood pumps in veins and organs wait. There you will find it, the drama queen that once was and she will be sitting next to my cancer. But even when the queen was, I know now that her thrown was in jeopardy. So now that I mean nothing, it's rather calming and not that new to me.
Clouds rearrange so the sun can once again warm my heart and soul that are desperate inside for an answer as to how I got here. Obtain what you know you can achieve, because high standards will fool you in the end. Laughing in your face and letting ignorance wash you down till you are drunk with it, that's what high standards will do with you. That's how I got here. That's how I got to this bench. My hands empty, mind full, and pigeons pecking at my half eaten sandwich before me.
How had I not realized I was ruining it for myself? Everyone I loved just left when I needed them most, all because my ego before was unbearable for them. I once had beautiful long hair, curled at the ends, and so no man could resist me. No one could resist me, and now… I'm alone hoping it can only get better from here since it got worse from there. Forgive me even though there is no forgiveness for the things I have done to the people I loved.