"If I don't cry, do you think I don't feel? If I look away, doesn't mean I don't see." -Song lyrics from god only knows.
I try my hardest to just push things out of my way. To get over as much as possible, distract myself, to avoid feeling anything except anger and 'happiness'.
Why is a hell of a good question, so here's the answer;
My 'Mother' Joanna always fed me, kept a roof over my head, sounds normal, right?
Except for the secret drug operation in our basement, and Joanna dumping me at my Nana's, or my friends, for anything between 3 to 14 days.
My 'Father' James, after being dumped by Joanna, got another girl pregnant and had a baby with her. She already had a son, so the little girl was a perfect addition. Her name will remain unwritten, so we'll skip back to my life.
I was constantly abandoned. My sister was starved of attention, and Joanna never really gave her much. She spoiled me, because I was a drone. Did nothing, said nothing important, and as my friend would say; 'She never hit you. My parents did.'
Well that's fine and dandy, but living like I did, and being dumped everywhere is different then being hit.
It scars emotionally and mentally. Depending on if it's a surprise, the abuse can just be physical. Hell, she even got over it.
I'm still stuck with trust issues after my foster parents and my social workers lied to me when I was ten.
I take forever to really trust someone, I can't stand anyone with a 'perfect' life, spoiled little bitchy brats who have it made, who think they're great because they're the best, and 'model children' who have never been exposed to the world.
They are fucking blind.
The only reason they're happy, is because they're protected.
They're oblivious to everyone else's problems, and think the smallest thing is a tragedy.
Biggest things in my life;
1. Joanna had strangers doing drug trades in our living room after dark.
2. She let weirdos in, who would shout some of the craziest shitten' things.
3. The cops busting in the house in the middle of the night.
4. Being taken without Joanna's knowledge from school by C.A.S workers, and being lied to in the face.
5. Being turned into a friggen' 'perfect' child I hate that was nothing but protected.
6. Going into undiagnosed clinical depression in Grade 5.
7. Being the 'Emo' of my school and almost getting into a fight.
This is my life. This is how I grew up.
Since I got out of foster care, (it was only four months, but worst of my life) I've been living with some family, and it's been alright.
Except for the boiling hatred that leaves me almost unable to think clearly, and the fresh wounds more recently don't help.
Most people would say; 'Your not even fifteen! You can't feel hatred!'
The problem with today is no one appreciates life. Everyone thinks they've got all the time in the world. But when you realize you don't, all your emotions are intensified.
You can love or hate with a passion, feel sadness so badly your entire chest hurts, feel so much pain you want to run and never stop.
I suppose the point to this was to get some of my issues out.... And to remind people life is short. Too short. And you need to make the best of it.
And probably to prove you don't know how deeply someone feels. No matter how hard you try to understand, you won't, and age does not matter to how deeply it runs.
I'm happier now.... And I've got a real good appreaciation for life now. I try for what I want, and I go through it the best I can't.
If you didn't like this, or thought it was a waste of space, don't complain. You chose to read this 'kind of internet journal'.
So to finish on a high note and give you that question that may or may not nag at you for a bit. Here it is;
Sure I may not have the best approach, but is there a right or wrong way to do life?