The darkness is enclosing in... My world is shaking... There are children outside laughing, playing, humming to the tune of their own melodious lives. While I sit inside dreaming, daring about the essence of time..... Time, something we don't think about regularly... something we don't take for advantage. I'm also thinking about death and how in bad times it slowly creeps in, entangling in your mind, trying to steal every single memory that makes you feel warmth, until they seem so distant that they just slip your mind. And once death has done this, there is nothing left to your existence... I'm also thinking about sin... the valuable actions that Satan himself decieves you into doing. Sin leads you to mistrust people, it leads you to the depths of your soul where you then see your own slef being shriveled into nothing.... These are my dreams that make me awaken at night.
I also dream of driving in my father's car down an old country road, trying to understand how my own dad could terrorize my family like he did.I try not to think about the other bitch who ripped my family to shreds. Why do I think only about the malicious people who tore my world apart and not about the peoplr that are helping me put it back together ?
My next dream is one in which I see myself at a pysch ward where my drug addicted alcoholic of a sister is laying in the bed in front of me and my dearest mother sits next to her holding her hand and not even acknowledging my exsistence. My sister just lays there and does shit while my mom just sits there and worries about her ill daughter while her other child is non exsistent. And at last my father appears in an orange jumpsuit with handcuffs on, escorted by a guard... how lovely.
These dreams and feling make me feel numb but not numb enough to feel the jabs of pain that weaken my self confidence, my strength, and my will to go on in life. These jabs go on until these three things have been completely lost from me and I have a feeling they will never return.