There is an incredible amount of hate boiling inside of most people. A lot of it is probably contained in the genital area. Scientists have not proven this, but sex has.
I felt good today but it didn't last. It lasted for 2 hours maybe. It was great, I felt hope for everything. Not just hoping for hop[e but real hope as if I was cured. But it went back to that numb feeling eventually. There was a lot of doubt. I think too much. If I didn't think so much I'd be happy. It's just hard not to think, even when I'm 'numb' I guess thats all I think about. And I think until I get a migrane or some kind of great headache. Not by choice obviously. It's hard to reach my soul, that would help. I have one I know. I just can't get to it. Everytime I feel it I start thinking. And it's horrible. I know no other way. Not by choice, but I just can't get to it. I don't know what it is.
A cold, weary winters day, and my wife smelled like shit.
I enjoy the music when I can, usually late at night when I can't think or get suspicious. The music at night makes me remember, the feelings, the emotions, and I wish I could remember everything. My whole past, my whole life, I wish I could understand. But how can I even start if I'm so 'numb' all the time? Someone once said the mark of a real man is not in how great his truths are, but in how long he can sustain them. I feel (and this I do feel) that this somehow describes my dilemma, and how much I wish during the night when I listen to the music I could sustain these feelings until morning and for all the time, like I used to. During the day theres so much doubt. In my mind it drives me mad but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Night is when the music feels good, or at least I respond to it then. I miss the music more than anything.
Some people are not meant to be able to see, or hear, or both. Hellen Keller was one of these people. So was Tommy.
I feel I wish I could end all my problems and feel hope. I probably sound a lot more melodramatic than I actually feel. Its a very simple wish, and I feel I deserve to wish it.
The Death March took place in November. No one was smiling, except that one guy in the back. He was the murderer. Death is no laughing matter unless its your fault! Cry away kids! The driver of the hearse will get your money, and a free body to fuck in the graveyard alone at night. No one hears the cries of a Dead man! So don't wear a condom today! A field day for the laziness of noto giving a shit about your life because of Death! (march)
There are times I feel either completley hopeless or full of it. The doubt hurts the most of all. I wonder how any of this happened to me. How I've wasted so much time doing nothing, feeling nothing but shit. How many people go through this? During these periods of doubt I feel I've crossed a line, so dramatically that it will be impossible to ever be normal again. As if my whole life has ended, and I am now alone forever. As if my past has left me behind. These are very serious statements. But they're how I feel. Whenever I feel hope, normal, it's short and I get suspicious. How is this happening? i wonder. Why do I have to try so hard to be naturally and am so naturally dead? What words can I use? Another problem is sometimes I'm right next to it. Reality, life, as if I'm staring at it. That hurts too. And have been the whole time.
Many days go by
I sit here and think of you
I sit here and I wonder
What nowadays you do
If you ever think of me
And the way we used to be
And if you ever wish to see
I think a great deal of this has to do with the idea that I don't believe in anything. I feel at times I'm being incredibly serious, but I wasn't this serious before. I just need to believe in something. I'm not turning to religion. I'm not gonna fool myself. I just used to believe in something, whatever that was. Life, maybe. Times were actually simple. I just would like to believe in life, death, knowledge, and myself. The problem is at one time I was so full of life. So completely real. How did I lose that? No one knows anything, I believe in that. But it doesn't help me at all. I wonder how many people have ever felt this way before? I certainly haven't.
The Exploding Rat that Never Dies
I can't be anything less than honest, whatever that is. I might hurt myself if something doesn't happen soon. Not physically, but everytime I reach my soul its in unbelievable pain. I'm scared to think I am losing it. My soul, my Life, everything. There are times I want to cry for the world, I don't understand anything anymore. There is so much doubt. If there was some sort of assurance, confidence that what I was doing or feeling whenever I can was real, I don't even know if that's possible. Everytime I feel remotely real, I get suspicious. There are times I feel real, but to go this way would feel like going backward, as in denial. What is a heart? Is that what I'm losing, or my Soul, or my Mind? I can't feel anything. I wish I could know I'm going to die. There is no life without death, and I want to live. All of this is as serious as it sounds.