Notebook Writings #3

Draft of a Letter
I can't explain how fucking cool you make me feel. Nothing is cool anymore. Thank god. It's funny, because none of this matters. We could be sailors for Chrissake! Haha I wanna be a sailor. Jesus, we could be outlaws, forever. I wish I could understand people more, I'd be a millionaire. Jim died. I really feel bad. You know that feeling when another age of innocence has passed? Haha, its not fun. Though those times have been anything but innocent, believe me, I still feel horribly sad. A mix. Usually my mood swings leave me on one side, but I feel sad and happy and mad and confused and in love and sad at the same time. I wish I was younger. I wanna be an outlaw sailor. You're fucking funny. You're wonderful. Kill me. Well, I gotta go. Love you, Nick

This is Day Two in here. I have no clue how I feel. I feel bad, I know that; but I also feel alright sometimes. The other patients here are very racist. I'm trying to feel better. I got my book here and just today my mother brought me this notebook/journal. I hope to regain the world that I've lost. I hope to find me. There are moments of unbearable distortion, terrible actuality in here. But there are also moments of feeling almost somewhat normal.

Mei 1942
Are feelings real anymore? I hope so. I fucking hate this place. I wish I could bottle up all my emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. and have them all at one time, to mould it all into one big thing. Or at least try to compare them, make sense of them.

Yesterday night was horrible. Massive confusion and mixed emotion. Malissa is leaving today. Shes lucky. More patients are having rages or whatever. They yell at the staff and punch the walls. My hope and sanity turns on and off.

Today was odd. I feel more energy but I still feel strange. I gotta roomate, Joe. I miss Malissa, I don't know why. I just wish she was here. I've started to feel real jealous of how she got to leave. I wanna get out of here. I still feel suicidal. No one understands. Least of all, myself.

Its been a month.

I feel worse. Everyones leaving and I'm still here. Few things have been solved.

The bottom end has fallen out. I can't really explain what has happened. The realities of life have all disappeared. I am as empty now as a human could be. Help is all I can think of as, maybe logical? Either that or a Shaman. Or suicide. How dumb could one person get? Love can save (unless theres nothing to save). I remember Julia taught me how to swing on the swingset. Time, has past. What is time if yours runs out? I used to be somebody. Say hello for me.

Leaving today.

The silence scares my mind, and makes me think of death in all its forms. What would death be as a squirrel? I have always called death Black Shoe. I can't avoid it. I wear them everyday.

Dear Nick,
NO ONES GONNA Miss me. I have become tired of life. I could Explain but I dont want to. There will be people I miss, but not today, no. I don't miss anyone today. I miss myself. Thats why Im saying goodbye to the world. This is not revenge, not betrayal. For I have come to realize that everyones life will be better without me. You may not see it now, but only because you won't let yourself. Youre stuck with the idea that he has killed himself. Not that, today, tomorrow, the truth that I am gone. I don't exist anymore. A day when theres no me. And several more to come! Forever! Never will you see me again. Of course, this is not funny, this is not a joke. I am not taking this lightly. No one knows how far down I am. No one will even after I die, which is shortly. Tick tock tick tock.       I love you. If you weren't with me don't pretend you were. If you despised me, say it was so. Don't lie. This move is not chicken. It is all else I can do left without completley faking it. Without going mad. No one understood me. Ever. I was always alone. Now its eternal.            I have become tired of life. I could explain but I don't want to. There wll be people I miss, but not today, no. I don't miss anyone today. I miss myself. Thats why Im saying goodbye to the world.
Love(d), Nick    GOODBYE...