Notebook Writings #4

The one thing I can't shake is the horrible doubt. The horrible doubt from all angles. No matter how joyous I feel, it does not last, and is usually followed by horrible doubt. Sometimes the doubt is not so bad, just bad tasting. But a lot of the time it leaves me completley empty. I have nothing. The kind of doubt that is impossible to express in writing. A doubt which overshadows every good thought, any true emotion. Everything basically. A lot of time I don't know what I'm doing this for. Carrying on. a lot of time I feel like I've lost memory. As if I'm continually dumbing and numbing down. I feel (and this I feel) that fighting for life is the only possibility of hope that I can be saved. Doubt is the worst though. Theres no hope to fight though when doubt appears, because then I just doubt that its possible to fight for a cause thats not worth anything. But I do feel it is, in some part of me.

Sometimes, after the worst doubt, I feel the best. Suddenly I love everything again and life is great. This has happened a few times, but only after the worst doubt does it happen.

Heres to the hope that one day I'll find hope of some kind

I actually feel good. This happens every so often. Not numb good, but good as in clear-headed good I guess. Just hope it lasts.

I remember I used to be scared of stuff. Just, I could feel it in my stomach, in my head at least. Now nothing does. That scares me a lot in itself. I just don't feel scared. I just think about how scared I would be, or should be. If I could be. The scaredest (not a word) I can feel though is endlessly empty, just scared in a 'numb' way.

I right now feel I can articulate how I feel. Right now I feel hope, and its in my soul, which I will follow not my head, because all my head has done is think and doubt and I'm tired of that. This isn't a religious thing or anything like that, but I'm gonna listen to my soul, or have my soul dictate my thoughts and change my head.

I feel naturally this is the toughest period of my life. How long can a love last, even if it be a song? Especially if it be a song?

The truth is I was supposed to die several times. I was supposed to kill myself several times.