Page 1, A little about life

Where to start...i once thought i loved a boy his name was luke but i soon learnt that i'm to young for that.

But i want to write not just about my first love but also about my life so that maybe somone out there could read it and tell me i'm just a silly teenager that will be fine and nothing that i've been through should cause me to hate myself like i do.

I'm 18 soon to be 19.
I have two sisters, Jessica and Riley.

I grew up with Jessica even though she was my half sister and she had a dark complexion and i was white we never let that stop us being sisters.
My Dad loved us both just as much and he never considered jessica anything but his daughter.
Riley was my fathers daughter to the lady he was with before my mum and jessica.
I don't know how old she is or really who she is all i know is she had the misfortune of being taken away from my father and mother and moved over the ocean only to end up getting into drugs and running off with her mothers partner.
Last i heared she was in prison and i've decided as much as i would love to meet and get to know her, she probably doesn't want to know me.

Jessica now she is a special person to me we grew up togehter, now i was the full on child i gave the nightmares to others about what a full on teenager they predicted me to be, while jessica gave the engelic idea of a loving daughter.
little did they know this was the start of her manipulation. as we grew it started to become more aparent that maybe i wasn't the bad child and maybe she was.

Jess started around 13 drugs, sex, running away and bad friends.
it's almost like she had no hope for herself.she was a beuatiful artist. she did struggles with maths and english but i now wonder if that was the friends she made in school.

as she grew older she became more outspoken and cruel.
many a fight she and my mother had and it got to the point she moved in with my grandparents.
the time she didn't live with us was peaceful.

soon though nearing the end of her last year at high school she fell pregnant and her friends showed there true colours and she was ostracized drom her social cirles.

i cried honestly i had hoped my sister would grow to be more than she was, but she never does cease to disapoint me.

she moved back in with me mum and my new stepfather who turned out to be jessica's real father.i stood by hwer every step of the way.|
birth i must say is the most disgusting anf beuatiful thing i have ever witnessed cutting an umbilical cord is like cutting a gritty this wet rope.

after the birth jess showed signs of growing and maturing i had hope for her but then she also showed her true colours and used my mother and my friends.
i couldn't just leave her but  then i couldn't help her with everything for she had chosen this path and couldn't just pass off her responsibilities as a mother to others.

the only time i've truly hated her was when i fought her over my neice and how i hated her self centeered acts.

jess did eventually move out and on with a new man and her and cadence found the closest thing to a plantonic family jess could supply.
i carried on with school carrying the knowledge and hope that my sister could achieve better if she only tried.

Soon this relationship ended due to jessica's distaste in her partners drug habits which i respected her highly for.But sadly it also ended with a cruel and messy miscariage.
Jess a while later found a new love and they soon moved closer to home and i with them into a house which they called home.
Cadence now one and a half had the nastiest tempers learnt from her moptehr but i lopved her.
i soon could not take living with jess any more and moved in with my boyfriend and his friend

Jess carried on her relationship and lived with him for almost a year and then things got messy..
after one of there almost constant fight jess dumps craige and then brings home a new man this cold and cruelly ended their relationship.

After this jess started to spiral and Cadence soon moved in with my mother.
Jess soon ends this relationship but not before another horrible miscarriage.After this she carries on a string of men and ends up in a lot of debt.

Now my mother while looking after cadence is cleaning up Jessica's mess and trying to help her but not rescue her.

i love her but for what she has done to my family i hope that something  happens to her to teach her that atempting sucide for atention and stripping is not what she should be doing.

 

My mother she had a string of relationships starting in intermediate with  a shy young boy in a tree asking her out to an over controlling man and then finaly my stepfather Pere.

But of course there was my father.
Mum became pregnant from a silly one night stand which left her pregnant.
My father soon fell in love with my mother and they chose to bring my sister up together.
when jessica was born they were extremely happy.

With my father came riley as well and my mum loved her a lot, but soon a messy court battle my parents desperately fought through only to have the evil lady take riley over seas made it saldy a fight they couldn't win.
Dad loved riley and he loved jessica.
Later i came and my mother thought she had the most amazing fanily.
from what i've gathered my father loved me and my sister to the end of the world and back but he was a controlling man who liked to drink do drugs and alienate our family.
he was cruel and controlling while also loving and caring.
A temper that would terify the most horrible of people but i loved him and so did my mother.

sadly an idealistic marriage that would last forever did not happen my parents split up and my dad struggled and soon left for aussie.
My motehr became an alcoholic and struggled a lot over the next couple of year and soon we were brought news he had killed hiomself.

He left my mother a lot of death but there was one thing his life insurance which could of ocvered all of this debt but my adoptive siblings fought my mother for this money and my mother fought back because she stilled loved him and she had two children and was left with all his dept but nothing else.
it's only in the last couple of years she finished paying off his depts.

My mother took a few months but then she grew and chose to study these are the poorest days of my life but i now understand why my mother went through so much to give me and my sister a chance in life.

soon she was a qulified early childhood teacher and was working at a centre my grandparents had opened.
and she's still there to thios day now running it well. I really love my mum she's done so much for us i wish i could've really understood her and helped her better as a child but i could never really comprehend what she fought through.

Mty Father.

He was a strong brielliant man.
from birth he was given away to hellen for his parents were to young and didn't have a choice in giving him up.
Hellen and her husband were stange poeple hellen has had shock treatment and part of her brain removed and a few mental disoders but my dad loved his adoptive motehr and father.

Dad had dislexia and dropped out of school he never learnt how to read or write correctly.
one day he recieved a phone call from his adoptive father and soon after he commeted sucide.
Soon hellen was left with just Dad her two toehr children had left home and dad was the only one left.

I don't know what happened to him in those years dad spent with her i just know they were enough to fuck him mentally.
i don't knwo much from here other than he made some good and bad decisions and ended up having riley then meeting my mother.
my mother taught him to read and aprent;y he loved books and i know dad could draw for he was an amazing artist.

i think it was the drugs that did it or the alcohol but he decided that he was gay and he left my mother and my sister and me and went to aussie.
in aussie his past horrors got to him and according to his real brother he had met the therapist made it worse.

he wrote letters to different people before he killed himself but my uncle burnt them anf or this i truly hate him but he is family so i love him also.
i hate my father for the ultimate betrayal. but then i think he must of been truly lonely to do this and i wish he could of spent the last ten years with me a father would of been great but instead he left me with a gaping whole.

So when you have get pissed off your dad is being over protective of his little girl i truly envy you for i missed out on this and i hate him for taking this away from me.

My first love

I have had only two boyfriends in my life my first was a christian boy when i was 16 that only lasted two months in which he ended it at 3am after a party at my mates house and i had no choice but to spend the rest of the night with him.

My secound boyfriend was my first love an awkward cute sort of love i cared for him a lot.
i lost my virginity to him on the eve of our three months. I don't regret this but i do wish that it had been better.
at first i thought he was flawless but he wasn't.
things got serious when he started talking in his sleep as though he was posessed i honestly thought he was just messing with me but the longer it went on throughout our relationship the more i thought it was real.

to this day i don't know if an evily spirit posessed him or if he was just crazey but i did the best a 17 year old girl could do.
the longer we were together the more flaws i found. he was arogant, obnosxiouse and rude.
we went out for a year and our aniverary was orchestrated by his sister because he wasn't the "romantic sort".
i begged and pleaded for flowers and never got them and i soon thought that was my own selfishness.
on the day of my 18 birthday  he fergot and on top of that when i asked if he would join me at my family dinner to celbrate my birthday he refused to come. not long later we broke up.

a month later i get a txt asking if we can meet up, i agree and there he stands in the same place we broke up with roses and i accept, thinking he had changed and everything would be right again.
A couple of weeks later i moved in with him.
and life is good for a while.
but things happen and frendships are boken and luke moves out.

Soon after we brake up again and for good this time.

i don't regret this but i wish that year i spent with him for the secound time had not happened for it emtionally drained me and i should not have hoped he would change because in the end he only disapointed me..

there is a lot more that has happened in my life but there isn't enough room in my head to unleash it all.

i'm awkward and loving.

i wish for more but am so scared of achieving it i struggle to grow.

i feel empty what is left for me to do my dreams don't feel like my dreams, self loathing jgrow in abundance in my mind.

What am i meant to do?

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