A 20-something man sits in a taxi in front of his parents' house, trying to find the strength to tell them that he was going to die. He never had any premonitions of his life or anyone else’s for that matter and he never once found with the help of doctors a single thing wrong physically. But, he knew there always had been one thing wrong and that was his mind.
He struggled nights on end sometimes leading to week and then even months at times to cope with his own existence. He was not a bad person and had not led a life of one. The most wrong he could ever find within himself was just the little white lies throughout his childhood. He had always gone out of his way to care for anyone around him, always before himself.
And even just a few days before he could barely withstand the sight of himself within the mirror back at his dorm room at the college. He was never considered by others to be not good looking and never shown to be uncomfortable to be with or around ever. If anything people seemed to flock in his direction always. He never understood it. While his company always left with a smile he always left himself without.
He swallowed before paying and exiting the taxi and closed the door behind him while attempting to keep himself from looking back to it as it departed. His feet solidified to the sidewalk as he looked up to his parents’ front door.
He knew that he couldn’t just come right out and tell them that he had planned to end his whole life before returning from vacation back to school, but he felt some sort of responsibility to allow them a goodbye in their own unknowing manner. He felt he owed them that much respect; it was the least he could do for plans to murder their son.
He knew that he needed to come up with some sort of persona to hide himself from his parents especially his mother’s eyes. He knew she could always see right through him. He had become somewhat a master of personal disguises throughout his life; he had to with the thoughts and burden of mind he always bared. He could never let it show through to anyone and therefore only allowed its escape when he would find himself alone at night.
Many tears he spent through his dark hazel eyes out of his own self pity and many more were spent for the anger of that thereof. He would put an end to it all soon enough. But, he must let his parents say goodbye in his own way. He had to allow them the joy of seeing their boy one last time seeming optimistic and full of life as expected. It was an end to tie up that he could not comprehend attempting to rest without.
And so the cheeks perked and the smile shown, the eyes lifted and the brow raised and the persona of their loving energetic son had return and readied himself for his parent’s awaiting eyes. But he could feel the hole burning through his heart more and more with every step toward the doorway. He attempted to bury it along with the rest in pit of his stomach as he kept shoulders up and head back.
He rang the doorbell as he always insisted to do since he was a boy. His parents found a frustration in a child ringing the doorbell to his own home making his own parents let him in when he could of easily turn the knob or even used his own key. It was funny how times changed. What he use to do to get a kick for himself by seeing the distress in others now seemed to give great pleasure and reassurance. Where now he knew how much his parents anticipated the sound of the doorbell knowing that their son stood just beyond the plank of wood. He could even see his mother perched at that bottom of the steps waiting to hear it even though it echoed throughout the entire inside of the home.
He rang it this last time, for them. Her quick greeting and giant smile was to no surprise. But, was a surprise was her looking into his eyes and instantly asking, “What’s wrong?”
| Email this Miscellaneous
| Add to reading list