I awoke feeling dazed as light shimmered in through the blinds on my window sending small shards of light in my face as if forcing me to wake up. I moved out of the small ray of lights to stare at the ceiling briefly, awaiting some form of thought to enter my mind. I closed my eyes tightly as my mind only drew blank emptiness. Its been like this for some time now, all dreary and dull with no real meaning or purpose. Im not completely sure when things became this way but its not like I hate being alive or that Im ungrateful.
Not completely ungrateful anyway; Im still thankful for everything I have.. My computer, my T.V., my bed and my home, even if they are dank and old, I cant even remember when I got them. Thats not my point any way, Im not ungrateful but I cant help but feel like each day is a repeat of the last. As though Im fading slowly into a dull daily routine of doing absolutely nothing. I searched my mind further for a more positive thought but I drew nothing, Ive never been good at thinking optimistically. I opened my eyes as the light from outside was now fighting its way into my small apartment bedroom.
My eyes looked across my room realizing just how filthy it was in here. As the glow outside slowly filled my room, I spotted several pieces of clothes and trash lining the floor. I sat up straight and sighed as I brushed a hand through my dark hair, temporally pulling my bangs from my forehead. I inched my way over toward the window near my bed, pushing the blinds out of the way as the warm glow from outside quickly filled the room. I squinted as the harsh bright light stunned my eyes for a moment or two.
As my vision adjusted to the amount of light outside, I was greeted by a bright blue sky overlapping a snow covered town. I watched all the people below rushing to where ever they needed to be, curiously. I wondered what it felt like to feel as though I needed to be somewhere; imagining myself as someone down there rushing throughout all the slush of snow. I leaning against my windowsill still imagining it as I felt the crisp winter air flowing through the sides of the window. "I should really get better insallation.. " I thought to myself.
I continued to stare out into the small town I call home as people continued to rush about, a car passing every so often. I watched until my attention was stole by the glimmering snow coating the town. I always wondered if the snow was seen as a blessing or a curse to the people rushing about the town. weither it was something completely amazing to them or weither they saw it as an obstacle slowing them to their distention. As for me, I've always liked the snow, it only comes so often and is always so very unique; it was a change, something new, something wonderful. I looked over the town one last time before turning back to my dull and lifeless room, now darkened by the blinds being closed.
I sighed again continuing to think, relieved that thoughts were once again entering my mind, "this proves Im still sane.. enough any way " I thought. I never really have to worry about being hustle bustle, my job pertains to me typing away on my computer most of the day, writing about a whole lot of nothing; but my readers still eat it up any way. I have pretty much everything I need to survive here, so there's never any need to leave the apartment. My family is long dead and I dont have much use for friends either so I mostly just stay here tacking away at my computer. Its really the only thing Ive ever been good at, besides making exceptional coffee.
So call me antisocial, not very far from the truth anyway.. but Im not ashamed of it nor do I try to deny it. Its never been a choice for me either, Ive always lived this way; the only people I ever needed was my mother and father. People die for the dumbest reasons in the world making me view this world in such an ugly way, much less the people living in it.. and I am no exception. Ive always known that, keeping your eyes open in this world is whats helped keep me alive up to this point, even the fact that Im antisocial has helped me through times. Keeping to yourself meant noone really wanted to pick any fights with me. Philosophy has never really been my thing either.. more of a deep thinker, when I can pull up thoughts any way.
I glanced at the window pulling the blinds aside once again to glimpse out at the beautiful snow one more time. I always thought the town looked brighter with a blanket of snow draping it; I smiled at the thought. Looking out the window was always a better way to experience winter being as I cant stand the cold weather. I closed my eyes remembering all the times my mother tried to get me to play outside in the snow with all the other children. I remembered how badly I just wanted to go back inside and enjoy hot cocoa with the mini marshmallows in it while my dad read books to me. My smile faded as my throat grew a little tight, I swallowed hard closing my eyes tighter before opening them again to see the dreary town I lived in.
The snow really did give the town a sense of style or atleast some kind of flavor and for a moment I wondered if my apartment might look better if it had been snowed in. I thought about it for a moment longer before I confused myself, making my mind blank once again. I sighed and placed my forehead in my hand and turned to look over my colorless room. One last thought entered my mind, "is this really all life has to offer me.. stuck on repeat" I muttered to myself, "... whats missing?.." I continued to stare off at a painting on my wall pondering it longer
(This is still a work in progress so cut me some slack xD but I need to see if people like it first)