Please give me some feedback let me know how you feel about what I am saying.  It would be much appreciated and help me know what to right to make this more enjoyable for you.
   

    Here we are again me writing all about nothing just so I can seal myself away and pull through the day.  I am not crying or complaining this is just how I feel today.  If you haven’t noticed yet I have multiple personalities not literally but figuratively.  In all honesty  don’t we all have multiple personalities.  When I say multiple personalities I am not implying drastic accent changes and uncontrollable switches between personalities.  I am referring more along the lines of you specific mannerisms when interacting with other people.  For example you are out at the bar with you wife you may act a certain way much more calm as well as in line with the amount you drink.  You go to the bar alone you are much more rambunctious you hit on some woman not with the intention of having sex with them or maybe with that intention.  If you are out with your friends you will be really loud drinking a ton and just having an all around good time.  This is not really a great example of what I mean but a basic gist.  In the entirety of that I do not know where I was going but for me today I am feeling lonely.  I could write a poem about it and perhaps I will later down the line today.  I am starved for interaction with a world of real people with flesh that isn’t merely just a voice.  Recently I would say two months ago I had paid a visit to see Billy and Jess.  This is after my events at Hesser had occurred.  I had stopped using drugs and was sober and had been for about four months maybe.  Billy and Jess were the only friends that I kept out of the people I had met at Ben’s house.  I was to go over to their house for a campfire.  I go over and Billy’s cousin and friends are over as well as Jess’s siblings friends.  The house was a really busy place to say the least on this night.  Everyone was really happy to see me and they told me that they had missed me.  Before Billy’s child was born I took him to see his favorite band Linkin Park.  After the concert he asked me to call him and come over to bens house Friday or Thursday as he had them off.   I did not call or show up.  I decide to put myself in seclusion for the longest time.  I can not find the exact message that I had sent him online but here is the summary.  This is after the due date of the baby by a couple of months.  Billy I  am sorry that I did not call and I have been a selfish person.  The reason for me not calling does not have anything to do with you or Ben’s house at all but more it has to do with my own weakness.  I am sorry that I have not had the chance to see you but I fear that if I were to come back around I may be tempted to get back into some sort of mischief.  I closed it with I would like to maybe meet up with Jess and yourself because the three of us didn’t have to be high to enjoy ourselves.  Then I stated if you do not want to meet again then I wish Jess, Colin, and yourself all my wishes and love with the rest of your lives.  I began to talk to Jess more again and this is when she had invited me to the campfire.  During this night I talked about my ideas for movie scripts and my passion for movies that I so greatly wish I would have success in pursuing.  Jess and Billy ended up getting into a small fight.  I for some reason went to try and help like it was way back when.  They both had told me their side of the argument.  It was about Colin.  I realize now that it is none of my damn business to be up in their relationship.  During this night Sal and Chad had come over from Ben’s house Sal had gotten a new tattoo.  Jess whispered to them as if I was out of ear shot even though I wasn’t.  “He is so gay.”  This broke my heart and pissed me off so damn much.  I later discussed this with her and she said she was only joking.  I wrote back saying that I am fine with it but just say it to my face and maybe then I won’t care.  I followed up our last communication by saying if you want to hang out again I really enjoyed it and would love two.  These were the only real friends I had the privilege of having since elementary school.  Yes I had “friends” but these friends I did not consider friends.   Merely just company and interesting personalities to surround myself with.  I have not heard from Jess or Billy since this night and it almost brings me to tears.  That I could be so bad of a friend missing his child’s birth.  Even his stoner friends were there when the baby was born.  They look bored as shit and as if they couldn’t give two fucks that their friend just had a baby boy.  Yet I the personally that is supposed to support him emotionally because he couldn’t show real emotion around others besides anger.  Or I was just not keen enough to see that he was.  I wasn’t there and I regret it.  Would I change it if I could yes, it may be the only thing in my life that I would take back if I had the choice.  My mind is truly boggled by how I could make such a horrid impression the first time seeing them again in god knows how long to not even have them contact me again.  I sit here and now I am in my head pondering my life and the people I have met.  The relationships I could have had that I through away for what.  What did I gain?  All I ever wanted my entire life is a best friend.  Just one.  I am still searching and I long for the compassion of not a lover but a friend who cares.  Here I will go back to elementary school and tell you of the times when I knew who to call my best friend until they left me holding the bloody knife.  I had just moved from Amesbury and I began the fourth grade.  Dan Lapan was assigned to get me inducted and associated with this new school.  I became friends with him and we would go over each others houses.  In middle school he was into D&D but he also played lacrosse.  I seemed to distance myself from him as he did me.  I made myself alone it is not that we didn’t talk.  We just never did anything outside of school any more.  We still said our hello’s and how are you doing’s.  Shane McGuiness  lived down the street from me when we used to live at 111, Litchfield Rd.  Jong Wong Ostreicher also lived on Coventry Ave.  Shane had three younger brothers a wonderfully nice mother and a hard working Irish father.  I slept over his house so many times it was like I lived there.  Cameron was one of his brothers diagnosed with autism.  Alex who was about three at the time was so cute little and innocent.  Trevor, Shane’s new born baby brother was less than a year old.  Shane’s father forced him to work out and play football.  I think to myself and I wonder if Shane ever really liked football at all.  This raw anger in him was a defining characteristic that boggled my mind and left me looking closer.  I recall that one time at lunch in the fifth grade he said sorry for not knowing the context in which it was used by I was to rip of your face and throw it up against a wall and watch it slide down.  Shane and his father were huge horror movie buff this is where for this first time I saw nightmare on elm street.  Though it may have been odd looking in for me Shane’s dad was slightly abusive.  Not to the extent where he would beat the shit out of him bloody.  The point of where he is aggressively rough more that just playing around.   This could be misinterpreted though as I am an outsider and this could be their playing around.  The basement is where I really began to play video games and get into them.  I had been playing video games since the day I was born for the most part.  I played Zelda when I must have been three maybe four.  For the original Nintendo.  That is where I will leave my stories about Shane for now I presume.  Jong Wong Ostreicher was a very pleasant and friendly person.  Was he one of my best friends I don’t know still to this day.  Was he a friend and a good one at that yes.  We grew apart he fell into the skater click and I don’t really know where I fell.  I do know that wherever it was it took me a long time to stand back up.  Kevin Champoux one of my buddies with French heritage like myself.  He  was my closest friend of all back then.  He would come over my house and we would jump on the trampoline for what seemed like eternity.  Back then our minds were so creative we would invent things to do.  We came up with stories and adventures I remember that we had swords and armor as well as shields that we would play with.  One day Kevin said that once he graduates High School he wants to go on a road trip across America.  Tears come to my eyes this is my first real loss of someone that I loved.  He asked me if I wanted to come he suggested that there would be an RV and we would visit all of the forty-eight states.  I agreed and thought that we would be able to do this and be best friends for a long time to come.  We gradually got further apart in fifth grade seeing as we had different teachers now.  Once we got to middle school he out right didn’t talk to me any more.  Better yet he looked down upon me and in front of his friends poked fun at me to an extent.  I wonder to myself now.  I see it in his eyes that he doesn’t mean what he says and that I truly feel he misses the relationship we did have.  When I talk about this time we were in High School and we had the same French teacher.  This is someone that I knew clicked with me from the moment we met he was so charismatic and clever.  I was bright but much more shy at that time not incredibly though.  I recall a song that we invented and sang in front of our fourth grade class.  Shane, Josh, Brent, Kevin, and Myself.  These four people were the closest I have ever been to anyone in my life in terms of friends.  “One day I was walking down the street and all of a sudden you wouldn’t believe a Cow just fell on Bill Clinton.”  This is somewhat of the way it went I do not know it word for word anymore.  Kevin had two other brothers one older and one younger.  He had the privilege of a little sister in his life as well.  Brent was one of the taller lanky kids.  He had gotten me into a game you might know by the name of Everquest.  I do not remember much of our relationship I had ended up distancing myself away from him even though he was still trying to put in the time to spend with me.  I again push away another friend that I had.  Josh had played the flute in middle school and we were friends until he moved away in the eighth Grade.  His family was really into computers as well as miniture models and gaming.  He introduced me to mage knight which they bought at the game castle.  This brings me to two years of my life that I will again save for another time.  So far I have pushed three friends away.  One stopped talking to me.  Two of the friends I had and myself seemed to just grow apart.  This leaves Josh who moved away.  I long for someone to trust and share the stories and interests of my life with.  Love don’t even bring me to love.  I have had crushes on so many people in my day.  I began to start dating one girl only to stop because she wanted to kiss or something along those lines.  In high school I was in love with another girl in my school.  She honestly seemed to sleep around and she liked older men.  I was one of those kids that really couldn’t give two shits about losing my virginity.  It doesn’t matter to me and call me gay but I wanted it to be special.  I ended up dating her at one point and realized that I didn’t love her the way I did when I c0uldn’t have her as she went around with other people I knew.  Funny thing is the reason she broke up with my other I will call friend for now did not want to be sexually active to the extent that she  had wanted.  This had turned me off even more.  I hope that my love may come soon.  I am sick of waiting for a chance to care about someone more than myself.  I am a selfish prick I won’t deny it.  I want a reason to break this habit and then feel love ever so passionately.           


This poem will also be seen on my page so if you have already read it or you read this first then just be aware they are the same.