Day 22

    Today we get to have fun talking about how I am a bad person.  Yesterday I was feeling guilty because I had watched another Oprah damn her and making me feel guilty.  This episode was about domestic abuse and at the end they gave a list of five signs.  I applied these to the relationship I have with my mother.  I said yes to it must have been four out of five.  This is when I realized just how bad of a son I am.  I knew I wasn’t a good son but now I felt even worse.  I decided that I would make her a painting.  I have recently began to paint since I find that it is a good hobby for me and it allows me to be creative and work with my hands.   I had found some stones and sea glass that we had collected at the beach.  This gave me the idea of gluing them on the canvas with some crazy glue.  I started the painting with blue, red, and white which I painted with my filbert brush.  The filbert is nice for keeping colors separate while simultaneously blending them if that makes any sense.  I painted the whole canvas in the red, white, and blue.  This ended up becoming purple, red, pink, and white which formed the most beautiful sky.  I then took a deer foot which is very good for making textured forms of sand I blended yellows, pinks, and browns this formed the most perfect sand.  I then watered down multiple shades of green as well as green yellows to the point where it appeared as if they were water colors on the canvas.  I then put a rock wall on top of the grass and glued sea shells from the beach in the sand.  At this point after finishing the stones my mom came home.  I was sad because I had still wanted to finish the water do some birds as well.  I showed her the painting she had said that she liked it.  I just felt that she didn’t like it the way I had expected her too.  I did some research looking around the house at paintings that she had bought and looked at childhood photos ect.  I had thought that I had made something she would have loved for once.  I usually do abstract are and this was the most realistic while still being modern due to the rock wall  but most realistic painting I had done.  I guess I just expected one of those wow it is so beautiful start crying kind of reactions.  Then again I didn’t have a diamond ring and I guess I am no (insert you famous painter here.)  I ended up getting really sad since I had been working on this for at least five hours.   I honestly cried I am not talking about balling cried but quiet tears no noise crying.  This made my mom feel guilty.   Was it my intention to make her feel guilty for some reason it was somewhat.  I had worked so hard and she seems to brush things off some times I guess she isn’t a very emotional person.  We ended up having a fight because I had gotten pain on the table that could easily be washed off and I didn’t take out the garbage even though she hasn’t put it on the list.  This develops into something bigger and more retarded.  I talk about my lack of concern for money and she again brings up the ever looming fact of me needing to get a job.  She later brings up that she works so hard randomly screaming at me throughout.  I remain fairly calm considering she goes in and out of being sweet and screaming at the top of her lungs.  I end up doing the deer foot water and I ask her to watch me do some painting but she is constantly giving me pointers which is nice in some cases but she goes what are you doing what are you doing when I am painting.  She consistently and constantly thinks that I am ruining my paintings and I very well may be.  She tells me that there is white on the top of waves of this I am aware.  She then says something about my stuff being to blended and how it looks grey.  We have another mini fight.  She comes back in with a painting I was working on until she decided that she wanted to dictate what I should do with it so I let her finish that one.  In the process of my painting of the flowers in the grass I managed to get green in the sky.  She had previously told me I should stop for the night.  I said no I want to finish it maybe then you will really like it.  She continued to say that she liked it.  For some reason I was still sad.  My mom seems in my eyes to always instigate these fights and I would call her two faced on this night because of one thing.  I am not saying that I never instigate because sometimes I do I am not a morning person I am angry in the mornings.  She is talking to me in the rudest tone half near yelling and I have been completely reasonably calm.   I start to talk sternly raise my voice and eventually start yelling.  She then begins to talk all sweet and says we went to the store and got those paints for you.  I am not saying I’m sane far from it.  Today I was just thinking she may have multiple personalities.  She snapped and acted like I was doing the instigating as if she didn’t realize she was just yelling at me.  It is so annoying talking with her because so sporadically she changes constantly.  I painted black birds in the sky as well.  My mom tries to fix the green paint smudge but isn’t successful.  In the process she manages to smear the black birds into the sky.  I combine a few colors that are close to the sky color and attempt to patch it up.  I get to the point where it looks perfect and she tells me to stop.  I should have but I didn’t for some reason.  I kept going and it began to look worse.  She then says what are you doing followed by you ruined  the picture that was so beautiful.  We fought the rest of the night and ended up going to bed on decent terms.  I am a bad son though I wanted to make her feel bad because I didn’t get the level of appreciation I expected.  So in trying to make up for having four out of five of these signs I manage to want to make he miserable.  She says I had such a good day at work today and I come home and something that was meant to be so happy turns into a fight.  Why do we always have to fight.  My mother works from two pm to eleven thirty pm at night is when she arrives home.  She is the second and third shift lab manager at holy family hospital in Mass.  I don’t know how to close today so I will end with a poem.  I can’t think of anything else to add for the moment.



My lust for destruction lights my only love on fire
Her eyes no life left within the gleam has vanished
Relentless my mother struggles her loves banished
This temple her loves captor ignites guilt in my spire
Regret haunts leaving anxiety and compulsion I tire
Undying her wishes to make my life better she managed
Loyally comforting her son problems instill her courage
I barrage her brain into insanity only this my true desire
 
This beach holds our love and the way it was
I mourn at the funeral tough to kiss us goodbye
I apologize with my mouth my head hears my lie
Paris bonds our souls forever we see that it does
Trying to cure our rusted metal we gave a nice try
My hate flows my mothers love leaves me now I die


Be a better person than me please.  I am a bad son and I constantly regret it and am still trying to be better.