One month here we are .  Today I would like to repeat what I said on the first day.  I don’t want your sympathy and I don’t need your praise.  We will be grabbing our skeleton key and opening another pad lock to my life.  Let us turn the page and dive a little deeper into my story.  When I tell this it is not because I want you to react any way in particular or at all.  I tell this because it is a chapter in my life regardless or not.  I promised I would not hold back and I won’t this is my life.

    Well I’m going to just state this and move on quickly.  My father was sexually abused by his father as a child.  Turns out this is either hereditary or something else.  My father sexually abused me as a child.  Moving on from there I had the strength to forgive him.  God says we must love our fathers and mothers and I do.  I love my father but as that poem I wrote says that doesn’t mean I need to like him.  This is done quick enough blunt enough out of the safe and into writing.

    I would also like to state that I am technically diagnosed of being mentally ill.  I think this is such a dumb term because it implies that I am in a jump suit in a mental hospital.  This term needs to be gotten rid of.  I am diagnosed of being bipolar.  As to whether I am or not I don’t know.  I am irritable as all hell on some days.  I am extremely paranoid and afraid of absolutely nothing some times.  I think my house is haunted doesn’t mean I am mentally ill.  I here myself talking in my head.  This doesn’t make me mentally ill.  We all have that little voice in our head this is called our conscious. No?  I was rather aggravated at my counselor that my mother and I see.  She is siding with my mom and encouraging me to get a job.  She suggest that I go see someone else at another counseling place so that I can have some assistants finding a job.  The way she describes it is that in this facility they help the “mentally ill” get jobs.  I declare that I don’t find myself being mentally ill.  She retorts that technically I am mentally ill by the definition.  The way she describes this place I begin to pretty much yell at her and say you are considers me having retardation.  Again not in the sense of a person with downs syndrome of physical handicaps.  She says that she isn’t but when she is recommending a place that helps the “mentally ill” find jobs.  This means that she thinks I am incapable of finding a job on my own because I have an illness.  This means that she thinks I suffer from retardation.  This again was an insult to me and I just wanted to talk about that happened a little while ago.

    I was thinking again today about cliques and clothing and hair styles.  This seems so silly to me.  Just because you like one type of music you end up wearing something to be more accepted by another crowd.  What happened to the times when we could just like a type of music without dressing a certain way.  I am stereotyping yes and I apologize.  I had friends in a cliques I ate lunch with what would technically be defined as a gothic group but we really weren’t  I would maybe call us emo but not the hair tight pants fake emo.  I think the emo or emotional tag to people is interesting but funny.  The way people assume that all emo people cut themselves and are extremely depressed is so off.  I am emo in touch with my heart passionate and loving.  I am happy like hell or I am sad as shit.  Bipolar = Emo ?  Sorry again random thoughts.  How many gothic people do you see in college let alone after college.  I found it funny the sharp decrease from forty gothic people to five.  When I went to college I mean it just seems like this is a phase to be rebellious and not conform with societies standards of acceptance.  This is because they don’t want to fit in or what.  They are making a state they are different and then wonder why they are being targeted as a outsider.  This also holds true to anyone with extreme intelligence.  You can be smart and well liked very easily.  Sometimes you need to use your intelligence to restrain yourself from telling someone they are wrong.  If you know someone is incorrect when they are talking or they give and incorrect fact just let it slide and you will be much more socially accepted.  People do not like to be corrected it feels like you are calling them stupid.  They feel much less intelligent and the self esteem is degraded to an extent.  I am not really sure that any of this is extremely relevant.

    I would like to say who you are as a child and what you learn at these points of your life define what you do and your morals as a person.  I am not one of those people hung up on my past blaming everything on my childhood far from it.  I moved on and I do not blame being “mentally ill” on anything.  It is just another card I have been dealt and I will live my life knowing it and continue to strive for my own greatness and acceptance.

    I feel that in life quiet messages are around for us to have some advice or direction in life.  Whether it be gods voice speaking to you as in Joan of Arc.  Or just your own voice in your head.  Personally I would like to listen to music and those few lyrics that pertain to your life so much that it seems to be written just for you.  This could be your message from god or just a song that pertains to you as a person.  Take these quiet messages as they are or from who you want.  All I am saying is maybe we can stop talking for a while and just listen to what the world is saying.  Maybe we can see the bull shit or the truth of love.  I hope this helped some how today just flowing thoughts.  Cheers B Leaf