One more chance this is the story of my life.  When I say this I mean it in the regards to if I could talk to said person one more time.  Nick my friend in college if I could talk to him one more time I would thank him for helping me save myself.  Brent another friend if I could talk to him I would say sorry.  I left him all alone throughout his entire high school years.  Not once did I see him hanging out with any friends.  To Shane thank you for being a great friend and I am sorry even though you persisted to want to be friends that I had run away from a life I used to live.  To Kevin if I could talk to him now I would say that I can see in your eyes that you were being fake not wanting to do what you were doing and it killed you inside.  I missed you as a friend and we could have been so good and had so much.  This is more likely than not a theme that appears in everyone’s life wishing they could say one more thing to every person they have not had the chance to say goodbye to.  I even had the chance to say goodbye to Nick knowing I would never see him again and I didn’t say thanks.  Maybe because it wasn’t just him in the room and I didn’t want to get personal and emotional I guess.  It doesn’t matter.  This is not about me but the concept of one more word.  Yesterday my online friend’s friend died.  He had told me that he was run over by his history teacher.  This sounds so Hollywood or obscure that I thought he was joking at first.  He wasn’t the history teacher was drunk and went through the school records and then figured out where Chris and his friend lived.  The friend of Chris was walking to his house when he was run over by the drunk teacher.  Did we do our background checks on this guy and if we did who the hell missed something and why the hell was he hired.  Chris and I had a long conversation he was talking about burning this guys house down.  I tried to talk him out of this.  I explained so many aspects of what was going on in an attempts to help him through this difficult time sadly I have exited the conversation and I couldn’t post it here.  The regards were to wanting this man to pay.  I responded that honestly if you ask these people spending life in jail that aren’t straight up bonkers they regret and think about what got them in there everyday for the rest of their life.  I said it will start with pure anger then turn into sorrow then gradually fade away and this sadness will stay in your heart with his life forever.  Chris talked about this mans wife as well in regards to burning the house down.  I pointed out that this woman was no way related to the horrific tragedy that this man had instilled upon him.  I said she did not tell he husband to go get drunk and run over your friend she is just an innocent victim in all of this just as you are.  The news people will be hounding her how does it feel knowing your husband ran over this student while drunk.  She will forever be known for her husband killing a boy.  I have lost my train of thought mid way and do not know where to continue.  I just feel that in life we should think before we ruin our own lives for something built by pure fury.  Even if it seems that this person deserves justice.  This does not mean that the justice needs to be immediate even though you may wish it to be.  One of the last things I said to Chris was everyone is put on this earth for a reason.  But with that I never leave it right there that is not a real comforting thing.  I continue to say whether he was put he to inspire you or get you to a certain point in your life to change some of the rules in the modern world use his life for your strength.  Carry him with you in your quest and fight just as hard for the both of you.  Live with all your heart and make him proud live enough life for you both.  I truly feel that the deaths in life and every single person we meet no matter how short has an outcome on our life either negative or positive.  Whether it is just in the moment or for the long haul.  I came to a realization about myself.  If my life is going smooth I don’t feel right I need to have problems in my life to solve for some reason.  This is why I may have turned to drugs in the first place just so I could have some objectives and things to do in the world for fixing my life or solving problems.  Did I help people in this time I pray that I did.  I hope that I can touch people for the better in the time I am in the presence of them.  A boy died in my high school.  This was during my freshman year.  His name was Kyle McGinnis.  He was not popular more of a nerd maybe even a ghost.  Looking back I hate myself.  I was not sad when he passed I didn’t even really seem to care as it did not effect me.  I thought I was better than him so I did not need to care about his death.  I did not show humility.  Kyle had died by drowning he was on a boat with his family and had an epileptic seizure and fallen into the water and drowned.  The sad thing is the school didn’t even seem to notice you did not see a shock wave of effected lives.  The only thing that happened is we sold the elastic bracelets for epilepsy.  I remember at the most recent pep rally or something like that he had won an academic achievement for something.  I can see his face and him smiling walking down these stairs to go grab it.  I thought this was so dumb at the time these awards were pointless to me.  I wondered who did his life touch and I now realize that his death effected me and I barely knew him.  So if life can effect so many than death can be the most effective life changing mechanism.  In revolutionary times is it not the dawn or the revolution on the death of the leader.  This is what I have noticed.  If I could say one more thing to Kyle I don’t know what I would say.  My mind is telling my that I would say something like I’m sorry I though I was better than you.  But I don’t know if it would have been that.  Maybe I could have said hi how are you doing something I never asked him.  I read in a book of facts once the saddest suicide note.  This note read “I am going to walk to the bridge and jump off and if on the way one person smiles at me I won’t jump.”  Do we say hi to people we don’t consider our equals maybe just saying hi and acknowledging somebody can save a life.  Just show some respect as a human and make people feel like they are not ghosts to the world.  Whether or not you know them maybe say hi to people just out or caring.  I think I can end here for the day.  Don’t regret.  Don’t require a one more.  Tell people what you feel so you don’t need a one more chance. 

B Leaf