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Nothing To Live For

By: Camisado92

Chapter 1, Blair Hardrum is like any other girl. THe only difference is she is the one. The one who sits in the back of the class and stays quiet. THe one who does two questions of math homework and pretends she did it all. The one with the sucidal mind. As she embarks on a journey to get over her depression and panic attacks, will she realize what life really means?

Alibis-Marianas Trench

And all my, all my faces are Alibis
This is not the man I hoped to be
And I'm just trying to stop the bleeding
I don't know how the words go
I just started not to say no

Don't want it, Don't get it
I know you won't regret it
Don't surface, Don't surface
And I feel so damned worthless
Another day is gone and all my faces are alibis
all my faces are alibies 

 

         Blair stood outside the doorway to the bathroom listening to her father spit words at her. She wasn't paying much attention to him though. She was more or less paying attention to the tears she was trying to hold back. She didn't even dare glance at her drunken mother sitting on the bed. Suddenly, her father struck her across the face.  He pushed her into the bathroom and shut the door. She heard the lock turn and her mother spew slurred words of 'protection'. Blair sat against the wall across from the sink. She closed her eyes tightly and leaned her head back. The screams, smashes, and smacks could still be heard as if she was right next to them.  Her parents were now fighting in the kitchen; she knew this routine too well. Like always, her mind raced with thoughts and questions. We used to be just fine, what happened? How had things gotten so bad? Why couldn't her family be just like everyone else’s? Sally from across the street's parents were just fine. Always happy, always loving. Her parents didn't love her. Not any more. The day after they pretended they did but they didn't. They don't care about her.  Blair leaned forward and opened the cupboard underneath the sink. Like always, she found small but effective razor blade in the place she always kept it. She brought it out and closed the cupboard door. She pulled up her hood and pulled down the sleeve on her hoodie. Tears splashed along the scarred skin. There were some fresh scabs near her elbow so she placed the razor higher up her arm. She used the sleeve on her other arm to help wipe away some of her tears so she could concentrate more. She held the razor on her skin and slowly dug it in. She then slowly pulled it across her arm with a cry of pain. Her parents didn't care. They probably never even heard her. She grabbed the roll of toilet paper and ripped some off. She cleaned off the razor and placed back in its place. Tears were falling heavier now and they were mixing with the blood that was flowing down her arm. She placed some of the tissue on the wound and pressed it down. Her arm was numb. She couldn't feel it any more. She tried to settle her breath and leaned back against the wall. She looked back at the razor. Her father was screaming again and something was smashed. A loud thud then echoed through the household. No one cared. She took off the tissue and reached for the razor. One cut just simply wasn't enough tonight.             

 "Honey, it's time for school!" Blair woke up on the bathroom floor. Her mother smiled as she went off to her room. Blair lifted her head and noticed the blood across her arm. She got up and looked in the mirror. It was smeared across her cheek too. Desperately, she tried to clean it off. She then rushed to her room and changed into a clean pair of clothes. She grabbed her hoodie and her book bag and ran out the door without saying goodbye. On her way to school she saw the cheerleaders also on their way.            

"Like, ohmigosh, like, there’s like, that like, girl!" One of them whispered just loud enough for Blair to hear and they all burst into laughter. Blair grimaced and pulled her hood up. She clenched her teeth together just trying to forget about them. They made fun of her the entire way to school. She got through the gates and looked up at the sign. Marlick High School. She shuddered and turned around. She closed her eyes and turned back around. Blair continued walking in. She got to her locker and opened it. She put her book bag in and took down the hood of her hoodie. Her shoulder length black hair with red streaks cascaded down. She shut her locker door and messed up her hair so it covered up her stone cold green eyes and her full, crimson lips.  She was very pale so the black eyeliner rings around her eyes stood out even more. Her make up was a little smudgy from yesterday but it looked okay to Blair. She zipped up the black hoodie she was wearing and smoothed out her black jeans. She bent down and tightened her black combat boots. Then the bell rang. She turned around and opened her locker. She grabbed her binders and headed to her math class. As she walked down the hall, a whole bunch of names were shouted at her. She just clenched her teeth and walked to her math class. She sat down in her seat in the very back. Beside her was Josh, the only kid she knew was her friend and understood her. He had almost the same problems. He hadn't taken it as far as cutting though. That was their only difference. Josh was slightly out of it today though. He hadn't even said hi to Blair. She just shrugged it off and opened her binder. She had done her math homework. Two questions. What was the use of doing the entire page when Mrs. Mil only asked one? Mrs. Mil started on one side of the room and asked every body in order. Blair memorized how many kids there were before her and after her so when it came to her she had her answer. So she got out her pencil and began to sketch.     

        "Miss Hardrum, question thirty." Mrs. Mil had asked. Blair looked at her page. Thirty-one and fifteen. She started to panic. She looked up and saw that one seat was empty. She looked at Josh and started to hyperventilate. Josh mouthed the word 'sick' to her.     

         "Uhh...umm.... I...uhh...don't have that one." She said quietly in between breaths.  

            "What was that Hardrum?" Mrs. Mil asked.        

     "She was too busy cutting herself to do last nights homework." A cheerleader answered for her.           

   "Hardrum, cutting? Your grades are going to drop. Do you need to go see the guidance counselor?" Mrs. Mil asked worriedly. The entire class turned around and looked at her. Blair started to sweat and hyper ventilate even more. She realized she was having a panic attack. Josh looked at her worriedly. She started nervously putting things away on her binder and organize things. Josh realized that she was having one too. He stood up slammed her binder closed and took her out of the room. Once they got in the hallway, Blair leaned against the lockers and started to cry.     

        "Blair, it's okay. Don't cry. Blair, don't worry. Do you need to go home?" Josh asked calmly. Blair shook her head no.            

 "I can't go home. Not home. I just need out. Need to get away from here," Her speech was quick and panicked. "Josh, I think I'm having a panic attack. I need to leave the school and just stay outside or something." She looked up at him with desperate eyes.        

     "Okay, just go wait in the office I'll grab your stuff and you can sign out and go home." Josh said quietly.  Blair nodded and ran to the office. Josh went back the math class and explained to Mrs. Mil what was wrong. He grabbed her stuff and went to go get her. When he got to the office, she wasn't there.         

    "If your looking for Miss Hardrum she's with Principle Gilmore," The secretary told him with a monotone voice not even looking up from the screen of the computer. Josh shook his head. "Just leave her stuff there on the table." The secretary said again. Josh sighed and did as he was told. He then walked back to his math class. I hope she's okay, Josh thought with a sigh.          

    "Miss Hardrum, your grades were very good at the beginning of the semester. Now they've dropped a good sixty percent. I was just wondering if everything was okay." Principle Gilmore said studying the screen of the computer. He then turned around in his swivel chair to face Blair.  She looked up at him through her hands.        

     "I'm failing?" She asked shakily. Principle Gilmore nodded. Blair shook her head 'no'.    

         "I'm offering you two options," He told her. "Option A: you fail this school year and your parents get very upset. Option B: Mrs. Moure has taken a liking to you. She offers her counseling to you and you try harder in class. Your choice." Principle Gilmore looked at her with a smile. Blair sighed.        

      "Counseling." She replied quietly.         

    "Good. I'll let you leave today but come back at four-thirty. That's when your first session begins. You may leave." Blair jumped out of the chair, left the room, grabbed her stuff off the table, and ran out of the school.

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