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Nothing To Live For

Novel By: Camisado92
Other



Blair Hardrum is like any other girl. THe only difference is she is the one. The one who sits in the back of the class and stays quiet. THe one who does two questions of math homework and pretends she did it all. The one with the sucidal mind. As she embarks on a journey to get over her depression and panic attacks, will she realize what life really means? View table of contents...


Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Submitted:Apr 19, 2007    Reads: 126    Comments: 4    Likes: 0   


Nothing Special-Ill Scarlett

I'm sick and tired of everybody
Thinkin they know what's best for me and
Maybe god wanted me to be
Nothing special.
I'm past the point of breakin and I'm
Not sure if I'm a gonna make it
I'll keep this gift from breakin
as long as you BELIEVE.

Blair woke up to a bright sunny morning. She got up and got dressed humming a song to herself. She pulled out a make-up kit from her bag and put her pajamas in. She went to the bathroom mirror and applied her usual heavy black eyeliner and light lip-gloss. She put away her make up and zipped up her bag. She grabbed her key card and left the room. She checked out and went back to her car. When she turned it on, she decided to read a passage of the journal before leaving anywhere.

������������ It's been a while since I've written last. Today was my fifth week in Chicago. It's not too bad. Except for school. Sure I've made friends but I haven't been doing to well in school. To put it in short form, I'm pretty close to failing. Oh, and my anger issues have been inflicted on random people throughout the school days. Today, in fact, I yelled at some random guy because he pushed me by accident. The principle has offered me counseling though. It starts tomorrow at four. There will be another girl there as well with almost the same problems as me. Something like Blake, Blat, Bath, I don't know. I hope she's not stuck up like some of the other girls I had counseling with.� If she is then I'm not going to be taking counseling sessions anymore. Oh, another thing, I found band mates! It's wicked awesome because were into the same bands and music and stuff. I'd better get to bed now to get an early start for tomorrow.

��� Blair then pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road. She continued driving until she was at the highway. Traffic was bad once again so she pulled out the journal.

������� So today was the first counseling session. Blair was the girl. I first came in and saw her sitting in a chair huddled up and crying. I felt bad for her. As much as I wanted to help, I couldn't say anything. She then looked up at me. She was gorgeous even with the tears running down her face. She took one look at me and said there was no way in hell she was going to talk about anything in front of me. It hurt because I was hoping she would be different then all the other girls. But it seemed she wasn't. Mrs. Moure then told is to write an autobiography of our life so far. I didn't want to at first but then I saw Blair. She got right to work and started writing really easily. The words just flowed naturally. I wrote and wrote and wrote until the session was over. I hope Blair isn't so stuck up tomorrow though. Got to go, write more later.

����� Blair thought about how much of a jerk she was to Jason on the first day they met. She actually did think he was pretty cute too. Why did she act like that to him then? She pondered that thought for a while until a song blasted out of the c.d. player. She stared at the c.d. player as if she wasn't sure how it could possibly emit music from the speakers. The song was slow and sad with heavy bass and guitar. The melody drew the lyrics passed Blair's lips as she continued driving. Five minutes later, a road sign appeared. Chicago-next exit, Wilmette-83 kilometers. Blair smiled knowing she was getting closer to her destination.� �

�������������� Wow. I can't believe what happened to me today at school. I was in class for last period, and I just started crying. I don't know why. Mr. Pearl was lecturing us on some particle model or something and I realized that tears were spilling out my eyes and on my desk. I stared at them in disbelief and Elisha, the girl next to me, and me if I was okay I nodded a little confused and tried to wipe them away and continue on my notes. I couldn't control them though. Five minutes later I ended up sobbing with my arms folded on my desk and my head resting on top of them. The bell finally rang and I raced up to Mrs. Moure's room as fast as possible. I honestly didn't want to see that Blair chick nut I had to escape my emotions somehow. Five minutes after I arrived, Blair came in looking like she was in a better mood. Mrs. Moure then had us read over each other's bios. Blair isn't as bad as I thought. She seems to have almost the same problems as me. It was kind of cool to meet someone else like that was like me and understood what I was going through. Not to mention she's kind of cute. Well, Aunt Kristy wants me downstairs. I'll write more later.

��������������������� Blair eventually came up to the next exit. She turned in and found a small, cheap hotel to stay in for the night. She brought up the journal and her clothes with her. She checked in and entered the elevator. There was a couple also sharing the elevator. They were tangled up in each other's arms and were kissing passionately. They didn't look much older than fifteen. Blair sighed in sorrow for her lost love. The doors however opened and Blair stepped off.

�������������������� "Chicago." Blair breathed with relief. She entered her room and threw her stuff on the bed. She didn't feel tired however. She walked to the bathroom and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She scrunched up her face in disgust. The red streaks in her natural black hair looked so faded and dirty. The black looked like it had faded into a slight gray. She held her hair up and let it fall in stringy clumps back down to her shoulders. With a heavy heart and a sigh, she grabbed the car keys of the counter along with her wallet and key card. She walked out into the parking lot and climbed into her car. When the car rumbled to a start, she immediately backed out and set out on the streets.

Blair eventually found a small drugstore that was open. She walked in and picked up a random magazine. She walked right to the front and asked for the hair care aisle. The cashier pointed to a random aisle and went back to her magazine while snapping her gum. Blair grimaced at the sight of her and walked into the aisle. She paid for everything she picked up and went back to her car. She placed the bag on the passengers seat and climbed in to the drivers seat. She shoved the key in the ignition and turned it to hear the low grumble of the old engine. She reached up to adjust her rearview mirror only to see Josh sitting in the back seat of her car. She turned around quickly in shock and fright.

�������������� "Blair, what's all this for? Do you really think that if you change your appearance you can forget your worries?" He asked in a harsh voice.

���������� "Go away Josh. You're just a figment of my imagination. I created you with my mind. Just like Jason." Blair replied, voice bold and laced with fear. Josh laughed and shook his head.

����������� "Blair. Jason you created because you knew you wanted to run away from your problems. You just needed to hear it from someone else to actually believe in yourself." Josh explained with a sneer.

������������ "Go away. I'm not running away. And I'm not changing to forget. Leave me alone." Blair stated and turned back around and backed out. Josh was gone. She occasionally checked the rearview mirror just to make sure on the way back to the hotel. She returned to her room and placed the bag from the store on the bathroom counter.

������������� Blair pulled out a pair of scissors, the magazine, and three boxes of hair dye. She opened the magazine and flipped through the pages, turning down corners on some pages. Once she was through the entire magazine, she flipped back through the pages with the corners turned down until she found one she liked. She folded the magazine over and opened the scissors. She held out a piece of her hair and looked back down at the picture. She then snapped the scissors shut on her hair and the lock of hair fell down to the floor. Half an hour later, Blair had finished with the scissors. She then made her way to the boxes she opened the first box and mixed everything together. After she applied it to her hair, she opened the second box and set everything up to mix. She then sat down on the bed, careful not to let the dye drip on the blanket, and turned on the TV. After another half hour, she went in the shower.

������������� By the time the whole process was completed, it was three in the morning. Blair stared at herself happily in the mirror. Her hair was half an inch lower than her earlobes and her bangs were half an inch lower than her chin and were pushed to the left side. Her bangs were bleached then dyed bright red-pink while the rest of her hair was a glossy black. Blair smiled brilliantly at her reflection. However, she still wasn't tired.�

����������������������� Today, we had our third session. It wasn't bad. Blair is easier to talk to. She seems to really understand what I'm going through and she actually listens to me with out just diagnosing me like everyone else does. She told me about a lot of her problems and I understood what she was going through, too. I asked her about her cuts and slits but she just pulled her left arm closer to her chest and shook her head.

"I can't." She told me with shifty eyes.

"Why not? It's not like I'm going to make fun of you for it." I replied. I was so confused with why she just wouldn't let me see how bad the scars were.

"I just…can't." She replied and changed to subject. I didn't push the envelope but I did worry about her. I have to go eat dinner. I'll write more later.





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