Would you ever believe me if I told you that maybe I hear things. No, not like voices around me, more like I hear voices inside my head, telling me what to do. And again, no, not like my conscience, like people. People that know things, gods? No, they sound like average people.
A part of me wants to tell someone, my mom, because how can I deal with this on my own. Then again, my mom hates me, literally. I can never please her, no matter what I do, what I say.
But enough of that, oh did I ever mention my name? Hannah, Hannah Baker.
It all started when I was walking home from the god awful school I go to, by the way, it's a private school. I hate it, everything about it! but as I was walking home that one particular day -it was raining- something caught my eye. Not something shiny, but this person, this man. He went by the name of Jeffery -Jeff- Anyways, he told me something. Told me that there's going to be changes in my life, but not just mine, the world too. Of course, I thought he was crazy, I mean what other type of person would say that to a stranger? That changed though, when he said, "Hannah, prepare yourself", and that's all I remember, I guess I blacked out or something because the next thing I remember is waking up at the hospital. Apparently I was out for quite some time.
I had to go back to school that following Monday, thank god it's my last year. I never had an interest in anyone, never have, they're all to, preppy I guess, until this year, a new guy. He didn't care about money. Finally. He and I , we just clicked as friends. Oh, his name is Brandon Feller. He has this 'emo' -as others would call it- but I think he is himself. I hate labeling people. Did I mention he has deep emerald coloured eyes that stand out from his dark black hair that just covers his eyes. Enough about him though.
That Monday wasn't the greatest of great, only because I was the buzz around school. Somehow the word about my incident got out, and of course, it was the hot topic. Which I found weird because I'm one of the nobody's. Wait, no, no I'm not. I hang around Mr. Popular -Brandon-, the guy who constantly gets suspended from the basketball team for fighting. That's probably the only reason why people acknowledge him, because he's on a sports team, and is insanely good. Other than that, we'd both be nobody's in this school. I love how he's straight forward and tells it how it is. We need more people like that in the world. And here I go again on and on about him, enough about him.
So, anyways. I'm not crazy. I'm just me. Sure, I hear voices, but nobody knows about that. Well you and I do now, I guess. I honestly don't know what to do. Should I be scared? Probably, I am, but I'm not. What's that? You want to know what kind of things I hear? Well, I can't tell you that, not yet. You might not be able to sleep, no, I'm kidding. Oh, so I guess I could tell you a bit of my background huh? Well, my dad died. Yes, I said died. Work related death, but I can't share what he did, why? Because it might allow me to be classified as crazy, and we don't want that now do we, considering, my tale's just beginning. And, well my mother, as I said, hates me. Sure, think what you want "No Hannah, she doesn't hate you." I won't believe you though, she actually hates me. Blames me for dad's death too. Okay, so yeah, he died saving me. I'll carry on in a minute, but first I have to ask you all something. Okay? Here goes... Do you think I'm worth dying for? Anyways, yeah. My dad, he was my hero. Everybody thought he didn't do anything, but he did everything. He taught me everything I know. I miss him.
OH! I have another little secret, keep this between you and I though, got it? Good. I'm leaving for University. My mom doesn't want me to go, and she's NOT going to know either. unless one of you tells her, which if you do, I WILL find you.
Oh, did I fail to mention Christmas break is coming up? Well it is. For my Christmas break I'm going up to the cabin, WITHOUT my mother. Also, she thinks I'm a bit crazy. I mean who wouldn't? You probably to, don't you? I plan on doing target practice, yes, in the winter. It's a habit, my dad, he taught me. I'm a natural. A part of me says I should stay with my mom, you know, keep her safe. I know what you're thinking, keep her safe from WHO, or should I say WHAT. but that's for later tale
Did I ever tell you that my mom is getting married to a guy named Jake? She expects me to call him 'dad'. No thank you, he's not my father, and I don't even like him. My mom's really controlling to, and could almost practically call me her slave? I mean everything went down hill at 14, -that's when my dad died, I miss him-
I have a question, is it wrong if I really wanted to leave everyone behind me and just travel the world and just see everything? .. I am so confused.
Maybe if I just walked away, and never look back, then maybe I could get away from it all. I can't handle it anymore, I want to leave. I want to stand up to my mother. I can't. Why did this life have to be mine? I'm not normal, I don't have a normal life, well home life. School is pretty normal. Stupid drama people.
It's been a little while now, Christmas break is coming to an end. I was away from my mother the whole time -celebration-. I heard the voices more now, like every day. Now, I can share the voices with you.
"run from Jake, he's no good"
"Don't look back."
"Hold onto Brandon."
"run away together."
"Learn more about Brandon, than you'll know."
Know what? He does have this mysterious part about him that he won't even speak of. Speaking of Brandon, he bought me a necklace for Christmas, It's a rose around a heart. It's beautiful. But I don't know what to do, like, with the voices in my head.
At that moment the phone rang
"This is your aunt Karen-"
"Listen to me, your mother's in the hospital, Jake…It was his fault."
"What'd he do?" I said feeling my blood beginning to boil.
"Just get here, SOON!"
I ran as fast I could down to the road to meet the cab I had called, kind of hard to run in the winter. And when I got to the hospital, I ran to my mom's room. I don't know how I knew where it was, I just did. When I arrived in her room, I almost couldn't look at her. Her face was bruised, and she had cuts all along her arms.
"Mom?" I asked cautiously.
As much as I say I don't like me mom, I love her. I just don't agree with her.. most of the time.
"Let's let her rest okay?" My aunt said behind me.
As we left the room, we found little chairs to wait in. They were an ugly red, and hard, with metal arm rests.
"what happened?" I asked her with one arm leaning on the arm rest. I took it off quickly, because man it is uncomfortable.
"well what do you think Hannah? She's beaten up with bruises, like she was pushed down the god damn stairs. Jake, not even here, and I have a pretty big feeling he's untouched."
The voices. They were right.
Why would he beat my mom? To take something from us? We have absolutely nothing expensive to sell or anything valuable to take.
The voices. They were right.
Why would he beat my mom?
To take something from us? We have absolutely nothing valuable to take or sell.
And where did he go? Is he coming for me next? Many questions i would like to know.
But the voices tell me that he's trouble, but why? Why is he trouble?
I relax and fall into my chair. I clear my mind and steady my breathing. Trying not think of my mother's bruised face. I'm waiting for these voices to tell me more.
"Jake is here"
"before it's too late!"
"Open your eyes"
I don't know why, but I was startled to be a wake. I took in a deep breath like I was having a nightmare, and I grabbed the arm rests like I was in the passenger seat of a drag racer.
I had startled my aunt, she jumped a little, and flung her arms in the air.
"Jesus Hannah, you were only asleep for like an hour. What the hell could you be dreaming about?"
Not even a minute after that was said, she went back to picking and biting at her nails. My mother does that too.
i could of swore those were seconds that i closed my eyes for.
"Can you give me a ride home? I'm tired" that was a lie. You'll see what I'm about to do.
"Yeah, of course. Go say bye to your mother" and she picked her up small brown handbag, and told me she'd be waiting in the car.
I opened the door, and there was a nurse in there putting food at the side of her table. She smiled at me, and quietly made her way out. I nodded, smiled, and whispered thank you.
I walked over to my mom's unconscious body they have now put tubes in her nose. I touched the side of her face and not even a tear formed down my face. Somewhere inside me I knew she would be okay. I pushed blonde strands out of her face and gently kissed her forehead.
"I'll see you soon" and walked over to the door. I opened but before I leave. I feel like lying isn't the best thing for her right now.
That there what I just said, is the honest truth. See I don't know if I'll be coming back. Yes, that's right, I'm listening to these voices and I'm running away. I'm not sure yet. I'll talk the voices when I get home.
I hop in the car, and my aunt drove me home. It was a quiet drive, nothing but the radio playing. But I was fine with that, because I just want to enjoy the beautiful scenery.
It was later that night when I called Brandon, and asked him to come with me 'cause things were getting too difficult.
"Baker, try to live with it."
"No Brandon, you don't get it, you don't know what I'm going through!"
"Right, and those voices aren't there?"
"Whatthefuck. I never told you that, how-"
"How did I know? Easy, I know everything there is to know about you my love."
"I can't show and tell with the class yet. Maybe next show and tell time I will."
"Stop fucking around with me! Are you coming or not? If so, you're sharing what you know."
"Fine my love, whatever you say, I'll be there in 20, be packed and ready."
True to his words he was there in 20 minutes, I had three bags packed, and we were on the road to where ever we ended up.
"Please, I need to know what these voices are."
"Yeah, but who?!" I grabbed my hair and pulled in frustration.
"They're your ancestors, they know what's happening, and so do I."
"How, what, why?!"
"I'm… I'm your…-