That day when I got home, I went straight for my room. I did all my homework and played the piano all day. I couldn't eat anything but I pretended to for my parents' sake.
Several weeks had passed and everything seemed to be going normally. The confirmation of Brooke's death was announced to the whole school and that made me feel even worse. Even though my physical wounds have healed, my heart remained broken.
Zaq and I had lost our only sister. At lunch nobody would speak. I saw regret in Zaq's eyes and saw that he loved his sister just as much as I did.
"You knew . . . didn't you?" Amber said to me. Her voice took me by surprise so it took me a little while to answer.
"Yes. I did," I answered. My voice sounded hollow. The hurt I was feeling reflected through my eyes and when I met Amber's gaze, the accusation left and her pity towards us replaced it.
"I'm sorry guys," She meant it, but she should know that it holds no meaning to us. I smiled at her and stared at the table. Apologies are just words you say when you can't think of anything else to say.
After lunch, the rest of the day went by a little faster and I would always stay after school with Michael. We would walk around the school and just clear our minds out.
Today was different. Today Zaq called me over. I was reluctant to at first but then I found myself walking over to him.
"Yeah?" I said. I was being kind to him. I looked into his eyes and saw that he was keeping the tears at bay.
"Walk with me?" He asked. I nodded and we put our bags down in the commons.
We walked outside and I kept an arms distance away.
"I'm sorry okay?" He blurted out.
"For what? Killing Brooke? Or trying to kill me?" I said. There was true anger in my voice, but it was being concealed over my sadness.
"Both okay! I had to kill her, I had no choice! She knew too much! She saw that I drugged you, she saw me tie you up and throw you into that closet! She had to die!" He said fiercely.
"You took my only sister away from me. That's unforgivable! Besides the fact that you tried to kill me too! I have done nothing to you, have I? Tell me Zaq what did I ever do to you, to make you want to kill me?" I stopped walking and stepped in front of him. He stopped and our gazes locked.
"Nothing, you have done nothing. It's my job. My boss wants you gone and I have to obey him. That means you have to die," He said. I can see in his gaze that he doesn't want to. He has to kill me. He has no choice. What kind of job is that?
"Okay," I said quietly. Then I ran back into the building, grabbed my bag and ran home.
I never want to see Zaq Saunders and ever again.
* * *
It's April, 5 2012. I'm still alive. I've kept extreme distance away from Zaq. Chase is now my best friend. I hate myself for letting him know me. I hate him for making me like him. I hate him for being kind and funny.
That will just make my death harder for him.
Since Zaq is taking a long time to kill me. I have come up with suicide plans. I've been thinking about stabbing myself, but I don't have the balls to do it. Same thing with hanging myself. No matter any form of suicide I can think of, I know I don't have the balls to actually die.
I was hanging out with Chase at my place and I told him of my plans. I told him that I want to commit suicide.
"Don't. Please. You have no idea the whole you'll create in our lives," Chase said. He was scared, that much I knew. I knew that he cared about and doesn't want me to kill myself. But he doesn't know the story.
"Chase … I know, I promise I would never, ever, do that to you. I wouldn't hurt you that way," I said as I gave him a hug, "You know what Jess said to me before she
died? She said, 'That just because a person died … doesn't mean they're dead. The person continues to live in our hearts. That's the only way a person can be immortal. Our memories will be shared and passed on. We'll be immortal.' Since then I've never forgotten about her and its true. She's still alive in my heart," I let Chase go and I smiled. Jess was my best friend. We went on vacation to Colombia a couple years back and she got killed at a store people were trying to rob.
"I get that but it's never the same, please don't," He begged. I shook my head and a tear rolled down my cheek. I'm so touched right now, it hurts my heart.
"Hey, I promise, I'm not going to, it's okay," I reassured him. It was a blank promise. I hated myself for promising something I can't at all keep.
"Okay, thank you because I was so scared, I couldn't deal with it if you did that," Chase said with a sigh of relief. My heart ached. I can't take this. It was so sweet; he cared about me so much. We hardly know each other. We only met in August. He saved my life but he's best friends with the enemy.
"I wouldn't do that to you," I said.
"Yeah I know, you just scared me, ya know how I am," He gave me a shy smile.
"Yeah, I guess," I smiled and sighed. This is the first time in 3 years that I've been genuinely happy. I guess this is what it feels like to have a true friend you could tell anything to and they would always be there to help you.
"So you're doing better?" Chase asked.
"I haven't been this happy in 3 years. All thanks goes to you," I said. It wasn't completely true, but right now, I have no control over what I say. All I can think about is what I'm saying to him. Well, nothing can really hurt him after I'm dead.
Chase checked his phone and cursed under his breath, "Good to hear, I'm sorry but I have to go to scouts, if I can get away I'll text you, promise," Chase said as he put away his phone.
"Okay, oh and have fun," I nudged him playfully and he grinned.
"Kind of hard, its scouts," He winked and I couldn't help but giggle.
"Try, for me?" I smiled at him and he nodded.
"Will do, later," He waved and walked away. After that conversation I told myself that I would never bring it up again. I never mentioned it to anyone. I would hardly even think about it but every now and then it would cross my mind.
I had to admit, I'm scared to die. I love my life. I love my family, I love my friends. I'm scared to what I might find on the other side. There's so much I want to do. I want to go to a One Direction concert. I want to marry Niall Horan or Liam Payne or Harry Styles
or Louis Tomlinson. I want to have my first kiss. I want a huge Sweet 16 or Quinceniera. I want my own family.
Most importantly, I'm scared that when I die, no one will miss me.
Along with thinking about suicide, I've been training. Well it's not technically training. I've been running. So that if I need to run away, I can run faster. I've been climbing trees and learning to use weapons. Not guns and the works, but knives and swords. I've been training myself how to throw them and defend myself.
I've been taking wrestling/kick boxing lessons to expand my self defense. I've lost weight and built up some muscle. Now that I'm stronger and faster, I'm ready to face whatever challenge Zaq has for me. I doubt he'll be drugging me and tying me up again. He knows I'll just escape again.
Zaq's smart . . . he'll come up with something that will deffinatly kill me. I hope that he'll do it after spring break. My family is going somewhere I haven't heard of, but Zaq knows this place all too well.
I'm going to Qatar.