Last night I relived Brooke's death.
I woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face and my body trembling in fear. Knowing today is April, I relaxed some. Today is the day where I go to Qatar.
Everything is packed and I leave at exactly ten in the morning for Newark Airport.
I slept in today since I'm not going to school, but at eight my parents woke me up yelling that we're going to be late. I got out of bed and got dressed. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and did my hair. I went back into my room and put on a jacket.
I got downstairs and made coffee and had a muffin for breakfast. I'm relieved to be thousands of miles away from here. I'll finally be able to get a goodnight sleep. Of course the nightmares will still haunt me, but at least I won't have to worry about Zaq coming to get me at night.
At least that's a weight off my shoulders.
After my family and I checked in and are now in the waiting place for out flight, I texted my friends and I even sent a message to Brooke. Out of complete normalcy and a force of habit. I know I will never get a response from her ever again.
I can't wait to reach Doha. I hear it's beautiful. Zaq told me all about Qatar a while ago. He told the table that he, Amber and someone named AJ are going to Qatar in 2022. I felt really left out. I mean, I always feel left out when I'm with them. They're always making plans with each other and I'm always standing there awkwardly. I would never let it show that it bothered me. I would never do that I mean after all, I am kind of used to it. I'm always left out. It's just a regular part of life. My friends are always hanging out and of course I don't get invited. I cry about it and then I write about it. I put my emotions in stories and hope when it gets published, they'll read it and realize how much they've been hurting me and not even realizing it.
It's as if I'm only their friend in school and outside of school it's like we're complete and utter strangers. I'm left at home writing and not doing anything, while they go to White Castle or somewhere and then talk about it the next day. They have no idea that I'm really sensitive. If they did, they would either include me or just not talk about.
There are times when I just want to cry at the table and just tell them everything but I can't because I'll just be overreacting.
Wow, I got way off track there. Well anyways, Qatar is beautiful. Its capitol, Doha, is in the east of the country. Even though the country is mostly desert, there are beautiful cities and stadiums. The stadiums are amazing! Some are built like a dome, but the top is missing. There are oases in the deserts. It's the only country in the Middle East I'm actually looking forward to visiting.
When our flight was called, we got in line and waiting our turn to enter. The closer we got to the plane the more relaxed I felt. The lighter my shoulders felt.
Once the plane began to take off, I felt completely safe. I looked out the window as New Jersey began to shrink and shrink until all you see is the east coast. Then all you see is the ocean.
I yawned and decided to sleep for a little bit.
I had a dream about Chase. I dreamed about the way we were. After I told him about my suicide plans, he wouldn't talk to me. Not in the hallways at school, not on facebook, he wouldn't even text me. He doesn't know how much it's hurting me that he's just ignoring me like this. Whenever we did talk, we would end up yelling at each other and I would end up crying. My biggest fear is to lose him as a friend. I think I already have. Whenever I lose a friend . . . I will do whatever it takes to get them back. Even if it means apologizing for something I didn't do.
He's been acting like a complete asshole! I mean seriously? I try to be nice and I'm trying not to get myself killed by him and Zaq and in return, I get treated like I'm invisible. I would say hi to him and he would pretend he didn't hear anything. So I decided I would never talk to him again.
* * *
I woke up about six or seven hours later and we still have about five more hours until we reach Doha International Airport. I decided to watch some TV. Now, there are TV screens on the back of every seat on the plane. It only costs six dollars to watch TV for the entire flight. It's not a bad price, six dollars for about fifteen hours of flight.
I watched a movie and ate some chips. From the corner of my eye I saw that my brother and mother are sleeping. I smiled and watched the rest of the movie.
Overall, the flight was extremely boring but peaceful. I saw the sunrise and I ate the breakfast the flight attendant offered. I watched some more TV and looked out the
window. I feel that windows are the base of philosophy. Well when you stare out the window you tend to think about stuff, I don't know why, you just do. So I think that windows are the base of philosophy.
So I started to think about things. I thought about Zaq and Chase. I miss them. I know, it sounds demented but I mostly miss Chase. I miss how close we were. I miss his hugs. I miss his laugh. Whenever I'm there he doesn't laugh. Only when I leave does he show some actual emotion. He doesn't know how much that hurts. Does he blame me for Brooke's death? He does or did, have a crush on her. I would blame me if I was him.
I pushed that thought away and stared at the rising sun. Watched as the sky turned light pink, orange and purple until it reached a light blue. I looked out the window and looked at the ocean. I can't think about them right now. I just wish that none of this had ever happened. Then maybe, just maybe, I can get some peace of mind.
When we finally reached Doha International Airport the first thing that went through my mind was the fact that it's big. There are little kiosks everywhere and the area is very spacious. There are many statues decorating the inside. The funny thing about the airport is that from the birds eye view, it's in the shape of an airplane. The body is longer and more narrow and the tail looks like the tail of a whale the wings are more linear and wide and the ends. It's a very interesting airport. As we explored the airport, I looked at the kiosk with the books. I was reading facts about the country. Like 'Doha, the capitol city of Qatar, is situated on the bank of the Arabian Gulf' and more stuff like that.
It's pretty interesting if I do say so myself.
So when we left the airport and got our rental car, we went straight to the hotel. We decided to stay in Doha, since it's a beautiful city and besides the fact that we couldn't pronounce any of the other cities and people would look at us funny whenever we tried and gave us directions in a totally different language. My brother and I would make fun of the way they speak and also make fun of our parents a little bit. Since my parents are Colombian, they can't speak English very well. My parents moved to the United States after they got married. So of course they didn't know the language very well. They speak to us in Spanish and we answer them in English. We understand each other and also my brother and I don't like to speak Spanish outside of school. It's just extremely awkward. We don't know why, we just think it is.
We stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Doha. In the West Bay Lagoon part of Doha I guess. It's a luxury resort situated adjacent to Doha Golf Club and about twenty minutes away from Doha International Airport. Around the hotel there are businesses and shopping
districts along with the tennis stadium and the Inland Sea is about 45 minutes away. Not a bad place to build a hotel. The area around the Ritz Carlton is very nice I if do say so myself.
The inside looked like the inside of the Marriot Hotel in Atlantic City. The floors were polished marble the chandeliers were huge and lit up the whole room. Behind the reception desk there was a map of the whole entire building. There's a shopping arcade, tour assistance, car rentals, the Ritz Kids program, babysitting, a beauty salon, a barber shop, technology butler, (I have no idea what that is) an indoor pool, Jacuzzi, sauna, Roman baths, squash court, (That's another thing that I don't know) two indoor tennis courts, children's pool, an outdoor pool with a swim-up bar, whirlpool and a plunge pool. I don't know what half the stuff is, but it sounds amazing.
I took out my laptop and hooked up to the wi-fi. I decided to go online and chat with my friends. The time difference is totally different. It's night time here, so it must be day time there. I don't exactly know what the exact hours are but it's more than six like in Europe.
Chase was online, but as usual I ignored him. Something strange happened though, he messaged me.
"Hey, you got a minute?" He wrote. This can't be good. He has never ever written to me first.
"Sure. What's up?" I wrote back. I didn't dare say more. I wanted to appear indifferent, but kind too.
"Okay, so I wanted to say I'm sorry for acting like a jerk to you," He wrote. I stared at the massage and read it over and over again. He's apologizing . . . over chat . . . and he claims he was a jerk . . . well he's such an idiot! If he's really sorry, he wouldn't have used the word 'jerk' to describe him and he wouldn't be doing it over chat but somewhere deep down in my heart, I knew I had to forgive him. He is, after all, my friend that I care about so much. So much that I've betrayed other friendships to try to save ours.
"Okay, but it was my fault. I kinda deserved that," I wrote back. At this point I'm just saying stuff that I don't necessarily mean. It wasn't my fault and I don't deserve it. I'm just too nice to realize that.
"No it wasn't your fault. Just I was confused and upset and for some reason I took it out on you,"
"That's reasonable," There wasn't really much to say to that. I mean I know that it hurt him and it hurt me too. What he doesn't realize is how much. With Brooke's death and his behavior towards me, I was just about to call Zaq and tell him to kill me now. That
my life isn't worth living. My heart is smashed and it'll break again before it gets fixed. I have explained the situation to Chase, but he didn't seem to be listening.
"I just feel bad about it, and I wasn't just you, I was an ass to a lot of people and I still feel really bad about it," I couldn't help but smirk. Good, at least you have some feeling, I thought.
"That's okay, I forgive you. Just don't get so worked up over this," I can't believe I'm going easy on him.
"But I feel like I need to apologize at least to everyone I hurt, at least make it right ya know?" I do know, I thought, that's how I felt with you, but in return you treated me like shit, I couldn't find it in myself to say that so instead I said something else.
"Yeah, I do know but do me a favor?"
"What's that?" He wrote.
"Never do that again,"
"I won't, could you do me a favor too? If it's not too much?"
"Sure," What could he possible want from me?
"Would it be stupid to just say I'm sorry to her, because I started thinking and I realized I was a huge ass and I just wanna make it right ya know? I just need some advice," He can't possibly thinking about Brooke can he? He wasn't an ass to her. At least I hope not. She would've told me otherwise.
"To who? Brooke? She's dead Chase. Nothing you do will change that, but I guess saying I'm sorry won't hurt anyone. Just keep it simple. She never liked the overreacted apologies,"
"Okay thanks I really kind of suck at this stuff. I appreciate it a lot," Of course you do, you. I know that you suck at this stuff, if you didn't we wouldn't be having this conversation, dumbass.
"Thanks, and sorry again," He wrote. I rolled my eyes and couldn't help but smile.
"I forgive you and I have to say I'm sorry too. I was all pushy about things and I just wanted to save our friendship,"
"It's cool," He wrote. Well I guess that marks the end of the conversation. I guess now that he's apologized we can actually move on.
"I have to go. Our flight's about to leave," I lied.
"Where to?" He asked.
"Qatar," I wrote back and I signed off. I just made the stupidest mistake of my entire life. Why couldn't I just lie and say Aruba? Or maybe even China? UGH! I'm so
I went to sleep on the surprisingly comfortable bed and had a nightmare about my death.