The grass, it prickled and played with my fingers, running
along my arm, tangling my hair, tickling my legs and feet. The
air, it danced on my stomach, sung in my face, blew on my
eyelashes. The sun, it shinned on my body, lying in the grass
and looking up to the sky. I imagined the sky was a sort of
cream colour, although everyone told me it was blue, I imagined
differently. The way it made me feel every time I looked above
me, I could sense that it anything but blue.
The grass, I was told it was the colour green, they explained
to me that green was a bright tangled colour, full of wisdom
and life. I imagined green as a rough form, as it belonged to
the ground, the way I see it is all the rough colours start
from the bottom and all the light and smooth colours belong at
I lifted a hand to try and touch the sky, I wonder how high
above it was, with the clouds floating beneath it. My fingers
wiggled, longing to reach higher but I stayed on the ground,
not ever wanting to move again. I could feel a smile spread
across my face, I couldn't help but let my lips fold like that
whenever I felt this way, they told me that it was the sign I
was happy. I parted my lips to let my teeth shine out, they
were white colour, a smooth and calm.
I then took a deep breath and I laughed. I laughed hard and
into the air, no reason, people told me you laugh when
something funny happens, I laugh because I want to. We don't
have to wait for something to happen to trigger it; we can
just... laugh, whenever we want.
"Molly" My smile grew wider as I recognized the voice. Soft and
enchanting, a small voice that came and whispered into my ears.
It was like an Angles whisper, coming from the clouds high
above. I felt the world spinning as Howie's smile grew on my
skin; I heard the trees blowing and knew that he was showing me
It was summer. That much I could tell with the way the sun was
beaming, heating my skin. Summer was a fun time in Perth,
picnics on the soft grass that smelt of lemon wedge for some
strange reason. The water was crystal clear and inviting us to
just jump in, it was so nice and cold and smooth with the way
it felt on my hand.
I would listen to Gracie and Howie jumping in the water and
splashing around and I would laugh when I heard Gracie complain
that her hair was ruined when Dad forced her under the water.
Mum would stay on the bank with me, her arm around my shoulders
and our heads pressed together.
Mum and Gracie would go shopping any chance they got, dragging
me along with them, although I would much prefer to play
football with dad and Howie. In and out of stores, picking
clothes and trying them on and asking what we thought. I would
also feel the fabric on my fingertips and ask the colour before
I gave my opinion. I always imagine different colours as I have
never seen any, my imagination is fairly big and even though I
can't see anything I can still imagine what the world looks
like, what the sky looks like.
Coffee and cakes at a small Bistro downtown after shopping was
one of their rituals, I can still remember the taste of sweet
chocolate cake in my mouth, rolling on my tongue before
descending down my throat. When we got home Howie and dad would
be muddy from playing and I could remember Howie, jumping into
my arms, telling me he missed me and I should have seen dad's
face when he kicked that one goal from in the centre of the
I can still remember what he looked like; every year for eight
years from the day he was born I would trace his face. His skin
was soft as baby skin that hadn't left yet, his nose small and
button like. His jaw was soft and round, his mouth skinny that
felt like a marshmallow. His eyelashes were short, his eyebrows
bushy and thick. His hair was always shaggy and cut every month
for the way it grew. He was a short boy, being that he was only
young and tiny. I would never forget how my younger brother
laughed, the sweetest sound in the world and every time it came
out, a fairy spread its little wings and flew for the first
time. I closed my eyes again and remembered, I remembered
everything that happened this summer that gave me the strength
I could hear the wind blowing on the curtains in the room where
I sat. It wasn't overly gusty outside, yet I could still hear
the wind coming through the window and blowing on my long
tangled brown hair. It was curly, I could feel it every time I
touched it, the way I knew it was brown was because of my
parents... I imagine brown being a dark colour, the way it fit
who I was.
I heard the footsteps coming to my room, too loud for my mother
and too heavy for my sister. I smiled when someone joined me
sitting on the bed.
It was silent for a while, not one of us talking to each other,
I enjoyed the silence, it was nice to just sit in a room with
no one talking and just takes in the world for what it really
I heard my dad sigh. "Everything's going to work out flower,
I nodded to the words that came from his mouth and heart, yet I
didn't believe them then. Our family had been torn apart
because of what happened and now my mother can barely look
Gracie in the eyes. But I couldn't see the future; I couldn't
even see the present. So I had no way of knowing if everything
was going to work out, or crumble to the ground like a piece of
But I turned my head, held my father's hand and said the words
that I didn't believe. "I know it will dad"
I turned to look out the window to pretend to see the sky.
Downstairs I could only imagine my mother was unpacking the
boxes filled with all out possessions. All the memories and
belongings from our old home we're being placed into our new
one. I regret ever leaving Perth; my parents said everything is
going to be alright, that we were moving to get passed it. But
I knew the truth, we were just moving so we didn't have to
think about it.
I remember the first time mum let me help her make dinner for
the family in Perth. Her voice was beautiful, it fitted with
her round face and small nose, much like mine and her lovely
long and wavy brown hair that flew to her back and further
"Molly, there you are" I listened to my mother's closing
footsteps and felt her hand press lightly on mine. "I want to
show you something"
I let her take me over to the stove and I felt the heat making
me sweat, I heard it sizzle as I suspect mother must have
stirred it around a bit. "Hmm, smells nice, what are you
I never really fancied my voice; it was quiet and high, always
sounded like I was still just a three year old kid playing
dress up in my mother's wardrobe. I had learned a while ago
that the voice we hear is not the voice others hear. We have so
much muscle and things in our head that we never get to hear
what our real voice sounds like, even if we use an answering
machine or record ourselves, it's never accurate.
My mother's voice on the other hand I could listen to for
hours, her voice was so formal and well matured, a hint of
English people would guess in there but she had never been to
England in her entire life, including no relatives from that
"So why did you call me?"
"Here" I felt her pull me closer to the stove and press
something in my hand, which felt smooth, yet rough at the same
time, I travelled my other hand along. It was thick and round
at the top like a spoon.
She then made me put the spoon in the frying chicken and held
my hand while we both stirred the food around. I heard it
sizzle and the smell enter my nose every time I pulled them
together and apart. "Keep doing that never let it settle" She
continued to move my hand around the frying chicken until she
finally let go and I was doing it myself, in the same rhythm.
"That's it, I'll be right back" She kissed me on the cheek
before she walked out of the room, I heard her not go far, yet
I had no idea what she was doing. I continued to stir the
chicken while I heard her taking a box off the shelf, the way
the floorboards creaked when she stood on her tiptoes and the
way a box full of old materials and such banged to the ground.
Then she came back and looked over my shoulder as I felt her
breath on my neck.
I then felt her take my other hand. "Which carpet do you think
I should use for the living room?" She pressed my hand lightly
to a rough surface; I spread my finger tips as I took in the
feel of the carpet sample. It felt rough as I said but
enjoyable at the same time and I felt as if it would look nice
in our small little living area.
Then she lifted my hand to press against another sample, this
one felt so soft my fingers felt as if they could sleep there
and never return. I smiled as she kept making my hand touch
both of the samples, letting me feel every inch of them.
"So, which should I use?"
I crinkled my nose as I always did when I was thinking. "The
second one, it's so soft"
My mother laughed. "You are so smart" She gave me another kiss
as I heard her put the samples away and came back to help me
stir. I was only thirteen when that happened, I only helped her
stir the chicken but I still consider it cooking. My father
complimented both of us on how well we did and I remember
having the biggest smile that day.
Now when I was sixteen, we had moved to a country town and
living in a big house that I wasn't use to, wherever I went I
had to have someone guiding me. In Perth I had Gracie help me
when I needed to get around, before I got use to everything.
Silence filled the entire family our first night at our new
dinner table. We had ordered take out from a fish and chip shop
and were picking away at all the fries left on the table like a
flock of seagulls. The only sound that could be heard was the
chewing and moving of the chairs whenever someone shuffled
uncomfortably. I waited for someone to speak, anyone to break
the silence, I would have done it myself but I wasn't even sure
if they were still in the room... I couldn't feel them anymore.
"Hey I was thinking of going into town tomorrow" My dad's voice
went over the silence but I heard no one respond, I could only
imagine that my mother didn't care, another chair shuffled.
"Gracie do you want to come?"
"Sure" The nineteen year olds voice sounded tired, I could only
imagine how she felt. She was supposed to be my role model of a
big sister and she did her part, but after what happened, she
just seemed so different and always tired.
Silence fell through the room again. "Can I come?"
That was when three chairs all shuffled at the same time; I
could feel eyes on me, worried eyes. Ever since the accident my
family have been overly cautious with me, especially mum. They
never wanted me to leave the house, or do really anything that
was dangerous, in the city I was never allowed to leave the
apartment after the accident; I thought that when we moved here
things would be different, more open.
I don't know what made my mum do what she did next, perhaps
body language from dad, or the fact that she was finally
starting to realize I was safe, but she sighed and said the
single best word in the English language.
The windows stayed rolled down as we pulled out from the house
and begun to drive to town. I had no idea how far it was but I
loved being in a car, going fast and sticking my head out the
window, feeling the wind blow on my face and hair. Gracie sat
in the front sit while dad drove; it upset me that I would
never be able to drive a car like this, although I thought it
was a gift just to have a car like this.
I had never known what it was like to live in the country; my
parents told me that it was the complete opposite of the city.
Nice and quiet and open with freshly cut grass ranches with
horses and farms with pigs, chickens and sheep. I had never
really known what these animals were other than when we had
them for dinner, but a horse I had never really heard before
and when I asked my parents explained they were an animal you
could ride, like a bike, although I had never rode a bike.
I smiled when I felt the car pull to a stop and knew we were
here, my door was opened by my father and I stepped out of the
car onto a hard road. I heard people talking and cars driving
past as well as smelled something unusual, something I had
never smelt before.
Gracie took my hand as we began to walk, she led me through and
I didn't bump into anyone like I sometimes did in the city, I
guess it was easy to tell I was blind. In my opinion my sister
was very beautiful; she was the one that took the gift of
beauty when she was born. She takes after our mother, with the
round face and dimples and chubby nose. She had straight hair
that went past her shoulders, she hated long hair and cut it
every chance she got, but didn't focus on it the past year and
let it grow.
"Dad can we go in here?"
I felt my sister stop walking and turn to look in another
"Sure, but watch Mol"
I sighed in frustration as Gracie lead me inside somewhere,
classical music was playing in the background and the smell of
new shoes and fresh clothes allowed me to know where I was. I
could feel how bad Gracie wanted to let go of my hand and run
around the store, but she stayed locked with me and lead me
through with her.
"I hate shopping" I groaned as I felt a piece of fabric press
Gracie sighed. "You need nice clothes; all you ever wear is
jeans and plain shirts"
That much was true, but I didn't care how I looked, I didn't
have to look at myself and I didn't care what other people
thought, so why did I have to dress like a pop star? Today I
just put on my normal ripped jeans and white puffy shirt that
was tucked in, at least they told me it was white. My hair was
out and I had only ran a brush through it, not really caring
how messy it looked.
Just then I heard a high pitch squeal, I was a bit taken back
when it came from my sister. "This dress is amazing! I have to
try it on!"
Before I could protest I was dragged away and pushed onto a
soft wicker chair and commanded to stay there while my sister
got changed. A kind old lady came to me and asked if I needed
anything, when I didn't look at her I could tell in her voice
that she was shocked to see I was blind and she became
uncomfortable and left as soon as she could, hated people like
My sister came out of the change room then and I could tell she
was happy. "What do ya think?"
I got off the chair and felt the soft fabric on my fingertips,
it was silk and I could tell then it would be expensive. I ran
my hands down and felt how short it was, right above her knees,
then I felt her shoulder blades, the dress had very short
"It would look good with boots" I said as I continued to feel
"I know right, that was what I was thinking"
"You will never be able to afford it"
"How do you know?"
I sighed and sat back on the wicker chair. "I have a gift"
I could hear my sister walking somewhere, to a mirror most
likely. "I have money"
"Do you really want to waste it on something as practical as a
She didn't say anything and I grew frustrated, wishing I could
see how beautiful she really looked in the dress, and then
maybe I could understand why people wanted nice things.
I sighed. "Why don't you ask dad?"
I felt her walking back to me. "No it's ok, like he would buy
it for me anyway"
"You could at least ask him" I said, knowing what she was
"I'm fine; I have plenty of dresses, better than this one"
I heard her walk back into the change room and close the
drapes. She annoyed me sometimes, why couldn't she just ask dad
for some money, he would be happy to pay for it. But I guess I
couldn't blame her for not wanting to ask him.
I suddenly felt horrible for leaving mum alone at home, after
what happened she would have hated to be alone, even though she
would never admit it. Maybe that's why she has been so
overprotective and making me stay home, because she knew if she
was alone she wouldn't be able to hold in her emotions. Maybe
she would be too busy unpacking the house to cry and think
I was stuck in a world that was no longer turning, I was tired
of dreaming, I was tired of living the same life over and over
again, all I ever wanted was to run free and be myself.