I don't want to go inside. Nor do I want to go to school tomorrow. So what do I want? I'm too young to be sexually frustrated this much. I just want to rot away, but I'm too much of a pussy to do so. I guess putting my bike away will have to do for now.
The door clacks shut.
"Ira?." Nella comes out form around the corner in only a towel. That alone is sinful. I don't break eye contact as to stay in character. With Dominic gone, I'm already feeling symptoms of abandonment.
"Nellah!" I say in a squeaky voice. I grip onto the single cloth covering her.
"Hi, Ira. Hi!" She cups my face tightly and rubs her nose against mine.
"Bath, Nell!" I should be ashamed but there's a certain comfort in regression. It's often hard though, because it is no longer easy to push my trivial and mature worries into the back of my mind. I put my palms against her stomach and begin to open and close my hands like a cat kneading. "Bath."
"You want to take a bath with me? Huh, Ira?" Is she serious? Oh God, I remember. The last time we did this was 2 years ago, when it all started. I haven't been lucky enough to fall into this situation again, until now. And the difference between then and now is, I started puberty. I know what turns me on and why. The thing that is unlucky is that I can feel guilty about it. The problem is, the crippling guilt doesn't come in until you come down from the high that is pleasure.
"Yah." Nodding vigorously, I try to contain my manly urges inside the exterior of a child.
"Then I'll ask you a question and if you get it right, then we'll take one together, if not, I'll give you a bath., okay?
"mhm!" Neither of those options are bad, but if I'm the only one whose naked, it's even more embarrassing. Also, why would I not want to see my sister naked?
Wait. Did I just think that? I need to step away for a moment to ponder over what just went through my head. But instead, I stand there unresponsive. 'Why would I not want to see my sister naked?'..I repeat this in my head trying to find an answer. The only one I come up with is the fact that she is my sister, of my blood. For some reason, that just doesn't seem like a big enough reason. It's like, "Yeah, and what else?", but that's it, it's all I got, what more do you want of me? Jesus, leave me alone!
"Ira? You okay?" That's right, I'm not her brother, I'm Ira.
"Okay. How old are you?" she says dramatically. I got this.
"Five!" I hold a palm to her.
"No Ira, three!Remember? Three." She closes two of my fingers.
Ugh, shit. I forgot that hallucinations don't age. I don't get to see a naked teenage girl today.
"I promise I'll be quick." She smiles lightly and closes the door behind her, leaving me to my thoughts.
That's the last thing I want. Have I just… accepted the fact that I'm attracted to her? Uh… yeah… but not on a weird way. Also, I can suppress this. All I need to do is handle it. I'm attracted to her, but I don't want to have sex. That's gross…yes I still think that's disturbing, right? Yes, I'm so sick of questioning every emotion that I feel. I bet most of them are normal human reactions so fuck this, I'll just do what i want. Thing's will turn out all right. I'll do my homework and study, but for the rest of the time, I'll what feels good. Things will be okay as long as I have my priorities in order. It can't backfire. Full proof. Yes. Good.
Sitting here, outside the door, there is nothing wrong with that. There's no denying that. So I'm okay right now.
"I'm almost done, Ira!" Nell yells from the other side. I get restless. What am I expecting. She'll just wash me, touch me all over with slick substances. My muscles relax imagining what it's going to feel like.
My daydreaming is interrupted by the opening and closing of the bathroom door. Nell once again comes out in a towel, but this time wet and a rouged face. I follow Nell into her room, hoping for the best. I scurry in and set at the edge of her bed. She acknowledges me with a smile and I know I'm in the clear. After all, I'm only three, I won't know what I'm seeing. Nell drops the towel from her body and I get to see her entirely. I cross my legs and just watch her bend from one drawer to another. She goes to her closet and I see it again. She has hair like the classic paintings and sketches I've seen around. A work of art. I know that hidden in there is flesh, and I've seen it, but only for a second. She puts on underwear and bends over to reach for the towel. She dries her hair a bit while looking for a shirt to wear. I see her breasts. They're average sized, like I give a crap, as long as they're hers. So soft, I want to touch them. Her nipples are hard and I want to pinch them and suck on them lovingly like in few porn movies I've seen.
When I couldn't cum for a while I got desperate and watched a good amount of porn. I don't know what the age is taboo for watching it but I'm older than I am. I'm 13 but I'm a freshman in high school, soon to be 14. Am I over sexed? I don't know because I don't have any close friends. I stopped talking to them almost entirely, but they keep trying. It just seems so trivial to me, their words.
Anyway Nella is now finished dressing.
"C'mon Ira, your turn" She says, leading me by the hand. We make it to the bathroom and she turns on the faucet. While we wait for the tub to fill a bit, Nell undresses me.
"Up!" She gestures for me to raise my arm so she can remove my shirt. I do as she wishes. I get chills from the feeling of the cotton lightly caressing my skin on it's way up. She's on her knees and in any other situation this would lead to a blow job so this sight starts to get me hard. She undoes my belt and button and pulls everything down. I jump at the sudden exposure but remember who I am. The tub is now filled enough, not wanting the water to run cold.
"Okay, Ira, get in." I step into the warm water. It only goes up to my bellybutton. Nell grabs a washcloth and dunks it into the water. She hums while trying to get me completely wet. She squirts body wash onto the rag and starts rubbing me with pressure this time. It's slimy and cold. It starts to warm up to my body temperature with the help of friction and time. She rubs my chest and I don't know how to feel. When Nell makes it to under my arms and behind me ears, I fell like a kid. I feel truly taken care of. It brought up my deep pathetic feeling again… until she went lower. She rubbed my abdomen, with each stroke, she made her way further and further down. Nella rinsed the rag again before continuing. She slapped back on to my penis and the warm fluids felt good. She quickly stroked the top and moved to the bottom. The slimy washcloth was lining her hand as she pulled at my growing erection.
"You're doing very good, Ira. You're being a very good boy." I wish this was her talking dirty to me.
She took the cup she had brought and filled it with water to rinse me off as well as my hair. Rinsing the scrap of cloth once again to pul shampoo on it, I was dying. I wanted her to touch my again. I can't imagine what it's like for a girl to do it for a prolonged amount of time just to pleasure you.
I'm long away from that sexually active age. I don't know if I'll ever reach it because of how afraid I am of getting diseases or a girl pregnant when I'm not ready. I wouldn't even have the opportunity to have sex, I drove everyone away. I do have dominic, though. I hope. But he's not a sexual option. And for a brief second I startled myself when the thought of being a catamite went through my head. Ugh, he'd probably rip through me… that sounds kind of… painful of course but… also… hot. Him telling me, the pain, it'll pass and stroking my cock while tears fill my eyes. He'd push me down and suck on my nipples. He'll dominate. That fantasy sounds good for a change. It sounds better than fucking my sister if she just lied there, not that I want to.
My bath time ends. As we walk to my room, Nella's eyes glaze over and turns around, walking to her room. I guess I'm not Ira anymore, at least for now.