Love is a Lie
"Alana," my "friend" called "I need your help, my calculator won't work! Could I maybe borrow yours?"
"Sure." I replied smoothly. I couldn't have cared less about her request. I didn't like her, no, she was just a helpful object. I only complied because I know her moral compass as well as I know my non-existent one. She is the weakest, a goody two shoes. She just wants to make others feel good, so she can sleep at night. I need to keep her around, when she's my friend the teachers trust me, ME! Ha! They're fools, idiots, if they knew the true me they'd ask how I lived with myself. The answer is simple, I'm not a weak little glass cup, ready to shatter. I'm not a fish ready to turn back at the sight of dark waters. I am the shark that lives there devouring the fish that make the mistake of straying to far off the bright path. I sat staring at the clock, I am only here by legal obligation. Well, actually, i want to be powerful, and a good start is to have followers, apparently, "friends" from certain social groups can give me power. I have some from the geek table, they give me trust among adults, some from the real popular crowd, I can manipulate the whole student body anyway I want. None of them ever see the true me. They see the me I want them to know, nobody knows who I really am, and if I play my cards right, it will stay that way. Soon I'll be out of here though, I'm in 11th grade. I am 17 and soon, I'll be a legal adult. Pesky laws, if I was an adult last year, you'd all be worshipping me by now. I think I should try and become the president, after all I am living in the most powerful country in the world. However, stupid congress and stuff would be around to keep me in check. I need to be a general, I can send people to their deaths while striking fear in everyone else's tiny twig-like hearts, igniting with fear like a fire. Something tells me that wouldn't work either. No, it's obviously not my conscience. My intuition, I know someone in the government would stop me. I need to make an alliance, well, temporary with some government officials. Then, I would have some influence in major decisions, while residing comfortably in my home with the president harboring the blame. But I must do more then that, the fire burning in my soul commands it, I am hungry for power. I need to be more in control. I need something more...
My brilliant plans were interrupted by an ear splitting ding ding ding. The bell! school was out! I jumped out of my chair and ran to my locker. Snatching my book bag i saw a note from Malika. It said, " come ovr 2nite, we're having ur fav food 4 supper." I snorted as I saw her girly spirally handwriting. Her i's dotted with hearts. How sad can this get? What is love anyway? I thought, pondering a slight memory of being told, stupid heart I's! I don't need to think about this! Love, love... my mind wouldn't stop, I had to ask someone, no, i can't! I thought, realizing how socially unacceptable that was, especially for someone who'd had six boyfriends. As you may have guessed, I didn't love them, I used them. And unlike you, I don't feel bad. People are tools, not emotional triggers. I used the first one to seem more grown up to my parents, I needed more privileges. The second one was to get into the popular crowd. The third one was i admit, for fun. He was emotionally unstable and it was hilarious to watch him fall completely under my power, this was my first real taste of complete authority. I could make him do anything I wanted. Anything. My fourth one was for money. His family was rich. I thought I would marry him, I'd be set for life, in this society money is power. He broke up with me, the fool! He had no idea what he started. I swore revenge on him and his family and I will get it. Anger burned in the center of my soul, it cleared my mind, and oddly, I felt powerful. It was amazing, and the only reason he isn't dead yet is because of that feeling. Anger is the only emotion I let control my actions. No other sissy emotion is getting this body. My fifth was because his dad was a military general. I just needed to know more about the us army, so I could figure out how to control soldiers should I ever become a general. And my sixth and well, current boyfriend, is because he's very smart and I can use his knowledge to come up with more plans, more ways to pull the stings on my puppets. I wish I had a younger sibling, I'd be able to have a constant inferior to tower over. Maybe someday I'll have children so I can have that authoritative power. Hopefully by then I'll have others that I won't need to care for and nurture. Stupid parenting comes with a price. I need people who already can care for themselves. Anyways, back to the note. I decided to go, knowing my mom was making meatloaf and brussels sprouts for supper. Mom is such a strange title. Am I supposed to feel compassion for this figure that holds me captive. Am I supposed to have that word mean something to me? I have no dad, he died of cancer when I was three. I think that if I went to a psychiatrist, they'd say my heartlessness was caused by the massive amount of death I've seen in my seventeen years. My dad died when I was three, my great grandparents died when I was four. My grandparents died when I was five, right before my "friend" died. They'd say that I had learned that people were not permanent. That they come and go more often then stay. They'd say I had decided to never get close to anyone, in an attempt to protect myself.
Since I was little, I always liked power. As I grew up, I found that I could get power by controlling people. I could be stronger then them if I was free of emotions. I made up my mind, guilt and fear, emotions, would not plague me. I threw my conscience out the window. They would try to help me, reach out their warmth. I am ice, they would try to melt me. They are fools. I made up my mind long ago. There is no turning back. I wouldn't want to anyways. I like being free of feelings, I can do anything, and they will fear me because I am not chained by humanity. They will fear me because I can kill them and feel no regret. I can do things in the heat of the moment that they wouldn't dream of. Of course, nobody knows this me. Who I am. In the end, I think my deception, and how easy it is for me will scare them the most. So, what would they think? A socially deemed Psychopath living among them. Pretending to feel what they do, manipulating them and they don't even know it? Everyone is stupid, how could they not see? Not that I'm complaining. I can use this to my advantage. They are trusting, why? Why would they trust anybody? They believe me. They think I would stand by them no matter what. I would leave them tomorrow and not care, if they no longer gave me what I wanted. I looked up, my thoughts shattered as I realized I was at Malika's house. The large mansion towered above me. Did I mention she was rich? Yep. The main reason I kept her around. My favorite food was caviare and they were apparently having some tonight. I never got any at home. Well, that's a lie. Not that I care. I do get some at home. I take money or a credit card from my moms purse, say I'm going somewhere with my friends, and I go out and buy caviare. Nobody finds out, and I don't care, so why should it matter? It shouldn't! Right? It makes sense, it's perfect logic! Anyways, I went into the house, Malika answered the door as I knocked. Her forgiving, trusting, smiling face greeted me. Her grin was weakness. Happiness is weakness. People let their guard down, they forgive too easily. They are so easy to manipulate. So, stupid! Just plain idiotic, why listen to a conscience when you could have so much power instead. I'd never turn back or revive my moral compass. I wonder if I ever had one in the first place. I hope I didn't. I hope I was always this free, always this powerful. I walked into the grand doorway, feeling a pang of jealousy, but pushing it away quickly. Being jealous was bad, people could manipulate ME easily if I showed emotion. I had to stay strong, had to keep myself away from anything that would give others the upper hand. If I gave out even for a second, they'd take advantage. I had to stay calm, maintain my sweet loving personality full of fake emotions, fake pity, fake laughter, fake empathy, fake fear, sadness, grief, regret, pain, remorse, guilt. Although it's hard to pretend you feel something you never have, (especially love) I'm a master at masking the true me, at deception, I bet I'm the only person who could pass a lie detector. Even a sophisticated one, because lying is my life.I can make stuff up, and it won't detect guilt, because there is none. I cannot feel guilt, so it can't really pick up on something that isn't there. I have perfected the art of lying. Why would people tell the truth? It's just dumb. Well, I guess in some instances it's okay, but why would they tell the truth if they're going to get in trouble for it? Yeah yeah, it's the right thing to do. But by who's standards? Who sets the universal moral compass? Who's to say that my perspective isn't just as relevant as everyone else's? Exactly, I scare you huh? Am I making you think in a new way? You want to stop,this goes against what you know, but at the same time you can't stop. I intrigue you, I scare you, you don't understand me. You are curious, it's human nature. I walked into the kitchen, food on the table. I looked at the clock, and realized I had been there for a while.
"Are you okay, you seem really distant..." Malika noted.
"Huh? Oh, sorry, I had a fight with Kevin." Kevin is my boyfriend if your inferior little mind can't catch on.
"Oh! I'm so sorry! That's why you've been so zony." Okay, the real reason for my zoning out was that I was trying to figure out something. What is love. Yes, still on that. I couldn't get it out of my head. No, I can't keep this thought. I need to leave it alone, can't let it get in my head. Was it possible I was in love, and just didn't know it? No, that can't be... What does love feel like? Is it like a warmth that fills your soul and completes you? I have never known love, what am I missing? Jealousy filled my soul. For once I was jealous of those with emotions. No! I wouldn't allow it! I shoved a spoonful of caviare into my mouth. I finished quickly. Then I listened. I listened to the weak emotion filled people at the table. They spoke of the day, how they felt. I zoned out again. They were boring, they didn't have any answers. I sighed, deep in thought. My boyfriend! We hadn't had a fight! What if she calls him and asks him to apologize.
"Don't call Kevin. Please, I want to work this out with him alone." Malika looked confused,
"I wasn't going too, I didn't say anything about it, what are you hiding Alana? Huh?"
"Stop being so nosy, it's none of your business." I sneered. I pulled my chair out, knocked it to the floor, and stormed out of her house. I slammed the door behind me. I knew I may have just broken an alliance, but right then I didn't care. I stomped down the hill, following the sidewalk to my house. I stared at the door, then walked away. I stumbled along until I found a bush in somebody's yard. I collapsed there, staring up at the dark rain clouds.I drifted off as rain poured down, lightning lit the sky and thunder rumbled across the land. I lay there, hair soaking wet, clothes soaked. My eyelashes dripped with rain and my face was covered in streaming water. I knew why I had passed out, this happens to me sometimes when I think about emotions to much, my body can't take it, I can't try to imagine something I've never known, and it's just not possible. While asleep, I dreamed of what love might be like. For some reason It always ended in me crying. Why? Why the crying? I'm never sad, never, I don't really know what it's like. I just can't help it though. I must know something about love, I mean, could I possibly have once felt emotions? It's something I've always thought about... always been scared of.If I did feel love, sadness at one point in my life, for who? I mean,my parents? I doubt it. Why do I remember something about sadness? I just know it feels bad. The only thing I can compare it to is when I don't get my way. That's not very often, so I don't have much to go off of. Right now I don't know what I'm feeling. Confusion? I guess. I need to stop thinking about this, it's making me as weak as them... Maybe having no emotions makes me weak... Is it possible? I can't understand how anything feels. I guess if I did I would end up feeling empathy. I can't do that. I just need to ignore it... Argh stupid curiosity! I need to know! I can't ask... Can I just try to evoke the emotions myself? I'm going to try. Let's see... starting with sadness, no! Love. My boyfriend! I suppose he is good for something other than his intelligence. He will be my first experiment. Love. Will it feel like happiness? Do I even know what happiness feels like? I panicked. It would feel like pride? Only one way to find out. I dragged my sad little body out of the mud puddle formed around me while I had slept. I didn't quite know what I was feeling, what was this? Shame? What! No, I'm never ashamed of myself. I stood up straight and began to walk like a celebrity. Why not? I mean I'm better then they are, for most people it's the other way around. Ha! Sad lower life forms. I'm the only one worthy of praise and love. Wait! That's perfect. Forget my boyfriend. I think I know what love is like. I've known all along I suppose. I love myself. Well that's good. Nobody else deserves my love anyways. Now there was the question of what to do next. Wait a minute... it's dark. What time was it? I snuck home and climbed in through the window, my room being on the first floor. I plopped into bed and stared at the clock hanging on the wall. It was an antique that had belonged to my grandpa.I watched the pendulum sway and heard the quiet ticking of the mechanisms inside.I noticed finally that it was 4:03. I had to wake up in two hours. I wasn't tired since I had already had plenty of sleep. I decided to see if Malika was awake. Perhaps I could get her to forgive me. Well, of course I could! I can make people do anything I want. I pulled my phone out of my pillow case and saw 17 missed calls and 29 missed texts. I smiled realizing all were from Malika. She kept asking if I was alright, and going on about how bad the fight must have been. I quickly replied with one simple text that said,"Sorry, I was really upset. Forgive me? I know you understand boy troubles. Life can be so unfair sometimes. See you tomorrow." I felt content knowing she'd forgive me. It was just her personality. Her motto is"Forgive and forget." Mine is "You can never have enough sleep." Especially when your covers are soft and warm and you have nothing to worry about. I woke up at 6:45, the bus would come in 10 minutes.I quickly got dressed, brushed my hair, washed my face, basic routine. I picked up my eyeshadow and was about to put some on, but decided against it. I was running late, and besides I'm already perfect.I walked down the driveway out to my bus. My mom appeared seemingly out of no where.
"Where were you last night Alana, you know I don't like when you go to parties." I needed to think up a good excuse in five, four, three... I heard screeching brakes.
"Sorry mom! Bus is here, have to go!"
I plopped my stuff down next
to Gwel. Her elaborate jewelry hung all over her body and her
perfect soft brunette/ginger hair was brushed and styled until
picture perfect. Her curvy body and modest attitude (usually)
about her beauty scored her many friends and boys. I almost
giggled thinking about it, she still wasn't as good as me. My
black hair was glossy and hung down to the middle of my back. My
bangs almost covered my perfect hazel eyes. My lips were the
perfect shape, the perfect color. My body was even better than
the most loved model's. My long legs and perfect baby soft skin
didn't hurt either.I was also proud of my ghostly pale skin. Gwel
unlike Malika was very intelligent.
Malika had soft thin blonde hair that practically glowed in sunlight. She had light skin and pale blue eyes. Her huge eyelashes almost overpower her face and her pink glossy lips stand out as they are a bit to large to look normal on her face. Her body is about the same as Gwel's, except she is slightly thinner. I have three main "friends". Gwel, Malika, and Khim. Khim is a geek. She even looks like it. Her oversized glasses, which hide her lovely emerald green eyes, untamed frizzy brown hair, and horrible fashion sense complete the stereotype. Kevin, is very tall, almost as tall as me.Did I mention that I'm extremely tall? 6 foot 4. Yep. Kevin is probably 6' 2", Gwel is 5' 11", Malika is 5' 9", So, Kevin has dark brown coco hair, dusk blue eyes, medium colored skin, and is extremely thin. I have other "friends" but they aren't worth mentioning. Gwel was the one to start a conversation.
"So, I hear you and Malika had a fight." I froze, did she say about Kevin? "She told me you were upset about something, but wouldn't say what. Would you mind telling me?" Why are people so annoying? I thought to myself.Now it was time to weigh options, go with the same story, make something new up and get in a deeper mess if anyone finds out I was lying, or, and here's what I did.
"Yeah, I would mind telling you. It's personal." Perfect. I thought to myself. I really am a genius. I was grinning on the inside but keeping a straight face turned to the world. Happiness can be good, I guess. Just so long as you keep it to yourself and don't let it weaken you or cloud your judgement. Except, I'm the only one good at it. I decided that if I stayed distant and angry for too long, people would start to get suspicious, and might find out the truth, I turned back towards Gwel, realizing I had been staring out the window for a while.
"Sorry I've been so snappy lately, I'm just in a bad mood. So, anything interesting going on?" I said perfectly achieving the sound of fake happiness layered over sadness in my voice.
"Well, John gave me a five month anniversary present the other day. It was so sweet!" John is her extremely annoying boyfriend who constantly gets on my nerves because he always acts like he's the boss of everything. He's not! I am! He's just another obstacle in the way of me getting what I want. John has brown hair, brown eyes and is average height, average weight, well if you don't count his unnaturally large muscles that is. Malika has a boyfriend as well, his name is Austin. He has hair that look kind of gray and piercing blue eyes. He's not skinny, but not fat, somewhere in between.He has sort of tan skin but not like you see in magazines. It's obvious she loves him for who he is, but he just loves her for her body. John and Gwel are a pretty average couple, the both love each other way to much. Khim has a crush on Nathan. He's African American and very tall, 6' 3". He has a nice haircut and large puppy dog brown eyes. I can see why she likes him, but he's not rich, of about average intelligence, and has no special qualities that would help me in any way. I won't date Austin because he's a total jerk and dumber than Malika herself. I won't date John because I hate his guts. I'm fine with the boyfriend I have. I still need to find a way though to get good plans without him becoming suspicious. I'll figure something out, I always do. Everyone at our school seems to fall into some category. It's impossible to know how people perceive me because everyone sees a slightly different version of who I am. At least I know how I see myself. That's all that's important anyways, I don't care what others think about me, unless it benefits me in some way for them to picture me in a certain light. I replied to Gwel, noticing her eyes locked onto mine. How long had it been since she had spoken, did she ask a question? Why is she waiting for me to reply? When I talk I don't expect the other person to comment on anything. They just have to listen.Besides, sometimes I just talk to hear myself... Obviously that's not what she was doing today.
"Sorry, what was that? I have a song stuck in my head, it's hard to concentrate." Perfect excuse! I smiled to myself, sometimes I'm so perfect I scare myself. Gwel laughed and asked the question again,
"So how long have you and Kevin been dating now?" Okay, this is bad because I really don't know, I don't care, so these things constantly slip my mind.
"Hey,let's see if he remembers or if he's a bad boyfriend and doesn't have a clue." Perfect save Alana!
"Good idea!" Gwel smiled. I reached into my pocket for my phone and realized I'd left it in my pillowcase. This is my stupid mom's fault for not waking me up earlier. I'd have remembered if there'd been more time to get ready.
"Hey, I just remembered my mom took my phone away, see, theres another reason I'm in a bad mood. Can I borrow yours?" Whoa! Just solved to problems with one sentence! I am good!
"Sure, yeah, sucks to have no phone." Gwel replied. She held her phone out to me after digging around in her enormous purse for a minute. I quickly typed in Kevin's number and sent a short text. "Hi! It's Alana, my phone got taken away, using Gwel's, Question, how long have we been dating, just want to see if you can remember." I only had to wait for a moment before the phone buzzed in my hand. I quickly read what his answer was, "3 months" The question was, is he testing me to see if I was just asking because I forgot. Like always I came up with a solution. "Are you sure? If you're wrong, no dinner plans for the rest of the week!" The reply came quick, "Lol, luv ya babe. K fine, I was kiddin, 4 1/2 months" That sounded about right to me, so I sent back, "K, luv ya hun, see u tonight at 7."
"Well, I'm lucky to have such a good boyfriend! 4 1/2 months and a beautiful relationship." I smiled, handing the phone back to her. It buzzed once more and I checked it, thinking Kevin was saying bye. I was surprised to see a text from Jake that said, "Awesome date last night baby girl, hope to c u again soon!"
"You're cheating on John?" I asked with fake disgust in my voice.
"Shh! It was a one time thing! I was going to break up with John, things weren't going well, so I decided to try Jake. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending how you look at it, John apologized and promised to be nicer to me. I believe him, and he has been so far. Please don't tell anyone! I didn't think I'd still be with John! I feel so bad about it, he trusted me."
"Okay, but I don't like keeping secrets. I guess I will, just for you" I said trying to sound serious. I never could understand why people felt bad about cheating. You date someone because they make you feel good, if more than one person makes you feel that way, why wouldn't you date both? People are so stupid and confusing. We finally arrived at school and as usual I was surrounded by a crowd of horrible little pests, oh well. I like being the center of attention, I just wish the people around me were more deserving. It seems I'm constantly followed by idiots,why not someone at least close to being almost as intelligent and beautiful as me? Someday the whole world is going to know who I am and believe every word I say. I'll be the most famous and loved person to ever exist. For now I'm stuck in high school. Ah well, I have myself so that's good. School was relatively uneventful. Nothing important happened. There was only one announcement that some girl is supposedly kidnapped. It doesn't affect me, so why should I care? When I came home I realized I still had no excuse for why I was out so late the other night. I peeked in my bedroom window and sure enough, my mom was standing there, facing the door, tapping her foot. I grabbed the ladder I had hidden under a pile of leaves and propped it up against the wall so I could climb up to the attic, my favorite place to be. I sat on an old wooden chair and found myself sorting through an old garbage bag of my stuff from when I was little. I always have to be doing something with my hands... I think it annoys people sometimes. Whatever, they annoy me all the time. I found a ratty old teddy bear in the bottom of the bag. It was missing one shiny black eye, and half of it's left arm had been torn off. It's right ear was ripped a little and the whole thing was faded and dirty. Most little girls had dolls. I had a teddy bear. I had this weird memory of myself, around 3, holding this bear when it was in good condition. I had light brown hair in pigtails, my eyes were more green then brown and were much too big for my face. I was smiling and I looked so happy. Why? I took the bear and snuck downstairs to my room. My mom was still there. I walked in, the bear behind my back and dropped it on the floor behind me.
"Okay mom, I was at Malika's house, she invited me over and we lost track of time talking, sorry."
"Why don't I call and get her side of the story, and in case you feel like texting her to help you out, give me your backpack. I know you keep your phone in there." I smiled to myself. I knew there was a reason I'd left my phone at home that day. I handed my backpack over without putting up a fight. When she left to make the call, I reached into my pillowcase and grabbed my phone. I quickly sent this message to Malika, "My mom's gonna call, go along with it, I promise to explain later!" I then went back to thinking about that weird teddy bear. I had a feeling that I had named it a while ago. I picked it up and turned it over, there was a pocket on it's back. I unzipped it and found a picture. The exact one I'd seen in my memory. On the back it said, Alana and Heather. So I'd named the bear Heather. That's a pretty name. At that moment I made it my goal to be as happy as I looked in the picture. I know I try not to let emotion into my life. This is an exception. Happiness can help you if you don't let it weaken you. It takes skill, which I obviously have. I mean, look how many people I've got fooled! Besides, it feels good to be happy. It feels like having authority over your own brain. It's nice. I set Heather on the side of my bed and laid down to stare at the ceiling. I soon fell asleep.