Every day, I have tried to tell you every day but something stops me every time. I am unable to tell you that I am over you and that I am all cool again. Somehow tucking myself away is not having the right effect. Instead I am like I used to be, lonely and missing you. I don't think that I will ever be able to say I am over you but I am getting closer to the point where I can say that I can say I have compressed my feelings.
It seems weird writing these even though I will never show them to you, the plan I have for these letters is different than the letters I am writing to my other friends.
Why do I feel like a bitch? Just because I like a guy who is taken, just because I am in love with my best friend, just because I can't have you? Is that the only reason I have feelings for you, because I can't have you? It could be true you know. Even if it is true I am putting myself through training. That's why I can't talk to you. Because if I talk to you before my training is over I will fall all over again. I only want to have to go through this once. I need to learn how to handle myself without your protection. You have someone else to protect now, I can't come first. I won't be used to that, I mean even as kids you made sure I was safe. I remember every time you kept me safe. I remember you walking me up to my cabin after a movie at the main cabin, and I remember the time your brother went a little over bored and chased me with a bat; you took the hit for me and then hugged me and you didn't let go until I stopped crying. It is reasons like that that I must distance myself, I can't expect that kind of treatment anymore.
Thank you Andrew Jepersin for keeping my safe, and being the best coat of armor this little girl needed.
May 6th 2013