Losing your virginity is a strange thing. The first time I lost mine was the summer after my junior year of high school, to my boyfriend at the time. I didn't have sex with him because I loved him; I had sex with him to get it out of the way and to finally be able to say that I was no longer a virgin, at least not physically. He was convinced we were going to get married, but I had my doubts that some silly high school romance could last. Turns out, I was right. I broke up with him at the end of the next summer. It wasn't a good break up. We ran through the tumultuous, "I still love you", "Let's date again", "I hate you", cycle on high speed repeat throughout my freshman year of college. But I knew he was simply a crutch I used to avoid the unknown. Sure, I had my crazy freshman year jam packed with parties, drunken hookups, and the occasional friends with benefits, but I never seemed to be able to land myself another boyfriend. I couldn't find the ability to trust anyone enough to take a relationship to the next level.
In November of my freshman year, my virginity was taken from me a second time. I was still the shiny new freshman that all the older guys wanted to take a crack at and all the older girls rolled their eyes at as I walked into a frat party in the cutest outfit I could find. My friend and I decided to hang out at the bar on campus that night rather than hit the usual party scene. We felt mature as we flashed our fakes to the bouncer and strolled into the great unknown. A guy from her English class came up to say hi, and before I knew it I was sitting on the sideline watching them hook up. His friend came over, handed me a drink, and laughed saying, "Can you believe them?" I blushed, he was cute. Well, the guys invited us back to their house to meet their dog. Because, you know, there's no better way to lure two drunken girls to your house than with the prospect of meeting your dog… Anyway, my friend and I got separated soon after we got there as we searched the house for that stupid dog. I followed the cute older guy into what turned out to be his bedroom. Drunk out of my mind, we started making out. When he started undoing his belt, I knew I was in trouble. I whispered no, but I was too scared to scream and too intoxicated to fight back. He ignored me. He took my innocence in a way I thought I had already lost. I felt empty as I stumbled home that night.
Even though I've lost my virginity twice, I still feel like a virgin. I've been too scared to have sex since that night, too scared to get a boyfriend who might ask one too many questions, and too scared to fall in love. For me, sex hasn't been that amazing life changing event I expected it to be. It has been a nightmare. So, I have concluded that I must still be an emotional virgin, though I am no longer physically nor am I as naïve. And now, starting my sophomore year of college, I've decided it's time for that to change.