Note To Readers: Since this is my dairy, feel free to go to my Table of Contents and pick out which subjects you would like to read about OR read every chapter for the full effect and the full story of my life. Thank You (:
My name is Sky. I am 18 years of age, just recently turned actually. Now normally I say I am going to write down how I feel everyday and so when I'm older I can open this up and see how I felt. But, usually I never really go through with it. So if this ends up to be the only note I'll ever write, sorry future Sky. You're just to lazy to finish anything. I really wish right now that I had an old type writer (random thought)
Now the reason why I am writing today is because I feel like I've come to the cross-roads in my life where I need to chose what path I am going to take. I have spent so much of my time fearing that I was going to be a complete failure. A typical high school drop out who won't amount to anything in life. And for a long time I believed life was going to be utter shit. And don't get me wrong -- it is utter SHIT. But I'm alive, so I guess I'm doing something right. I haven't been able to shed a tear in the longest time even though I just recently lost someone who was very important to me.
Hey future Sky, you remember Mein? Yeah, I wonder if you still think about him everyday. Well, if you don't remember he recently just left you and gave up on dragon fighting. And honestly you don't really know how to feel about it. Life has been so crazy you honestly haven't had the time to sit down and think about what had actually happened. He was your best friend for years and now it's like he never existed. It truly was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't think I was in love, in fact I don't know if I will ever actually know what love is. I know what it's like to truly care for someone. But I don't think I know what it's like yet to LOVE. Hell, I don't even know if that exists. I feel like getting intimate with someone ruins your life, it starts off great and wonderful then next think you know you just killed a 7 year long relationship with someone who you felt strongly about as a friend. Honestly, seeing how he is acting now isn't even recognizable. He isn't the same person you used to fight dragons with. Hes changed, and what's sad is you've changed a bit too.
But life as of right now (aside from the deep hole in your heart you refuse to show) You're doing good. You have a job, people you love, a social life. You're alive. "Alive" You know that feeling of going down the highway sticking your head out the window and screaming? Or when you hear a song and burst out into dance? That's living. That is the feeling of being alive and that is how you should feel everyday. Even when you're at your lowest you need to try to feel something. I know that's hard for you, you hide your emotions and how you feel everyday. You don't let it show but inside you're very broken and are still fighting your demons. But that's okay, because so is everyone else in this world. We are all slightly damaged in some way or another. We all have our issues, and that's OKAY. Just know Sky that it is okay to show how you feel every now and then, even though you feel like one huge emotionless sack of shit. Like right now at 9:27PM, you're trying so hard just to feel something you just want to cry so badly. But you can't. It's honestly irritating. So let me just go over something about life for a second (enough sad depressing ranting)
You're currently 18 years old. Your goals right now are to travel (I'm honestly thinking about going to Brighton, England.) So let's make a quick list.
- Move to Brighton, England or at least visit.
- Work out more and get your body back.
- Save up your money.
- Get a second job.
- Get your G.E.D over the summer.
- Look into community college.
- Fight dragons.
- Feel ALIVE everyday.
- Find someone to travel with and feel alive with.
Now don't feel bad if you don't actually accomplish many of these. We know life can turn very quickly, so if you don't end up getting your G.E.D or traveling anywhere don't feel bad. But just try your best to make everything you want in life happen because we are all on a timer for how long we got left. Now for a second lets just talk about where you see yourself in the years coming. Now one thing has not changed, you still currently do not want children, nor to get married. Now you've thought pretty long and hard about this honestly. But it just doesn't seem to be in your life's plan. We all know you have this weird commitment issue, so you don't even plan on being with someone for the rest of your life. You'd rather just be happy being alone doing your own thing knowing you'll never get hurt and you can just live a drama-free life. Sounds almost too perfect am I right? That is why this is what you want right now. You still feel like you're going to die young. And I know you're secretly hoping they find something dramatically wrong with you when you get your CT scan done, just because you feel like utter crap every single day and you throw up like clockwork. I wonder if you're still having that problem? Or maybe they have found out what is wrong with you and why your chests decides to have random spazzums. Well good luck. Oh, and when it comes to spirits right now you haven't been connecting very well and its honestly scaring you. And you don't really want to talk about it because it hurts too much. But you're still wishing.
On Dating A Boy With Mental Illnesses.
"After the fourth straight week of you telling me you had a doctor's appointments on the same day, at the same time, I realized that either you were a hypochondriac or that you and I were in fact no different. So when you finally told me that you were pretty screwed up, I told you I already knew because "it takes one to know one" After that, you told me you finally understood why the stars were aligned the way they were, why we both had the same scars on our arms and why when you saw me for the first time you felt like everything in the world fell together. Most days we just found comfort in the fact that we both understood each other and how the world could become dark even at 10am, or that we could spill our hearts to each other skin pressed against skin in my bed. But I didn't know how to tell you that if there was anything I learned from years of tearing my skin apart, is that the stars weren't aligned because we were both screwed up. But simply because they were just that. Sometimes two people like ourselves just happen to meet. We weren't destined to be together."
(ps. it took me forever to find that quote but it was worth it) this quote means alot to you right now if you don't remember.
Well, I'm off to bed now. Goodnight Sky, talk to you soon.
You are infinite. You are ALIVE.