A suicide journal.

24th of May 2012.

Dear Mum,

I wake up every morning, to being grumpy and miserable.

I always don't know how to cheer myself up.

I usually just want to wake up and see the sun rise outside of my window,

then I want to cry myself back to sleep forgeting about reality and the future that lies ahead.

I wonder sometimes about fairytales and if there are really happy endings in life or even happy begginings,

because right now I need happybegginings more than happy endings.

I really don't know what to do with my life and how to start it,

because right now it's just going crazy in my head,

with me lost on the forest floor,

more than me following the track.

You are long gone, leaving me wondering in the darkness, trying to find the light.

I've changed sinceyou were murdered.

My moods have been gloomier than ever before.

You know when you see murders on tv and you don't feel any saddness inside your heart,

But when someone diesfrom murder inyour family,

your heart dies out and you just want to stop the world to have your last moment with your loved one,

and when the world starts spinning again the world feels like it'sspinning the wrong way round,

and you feel likeyour in a whole other world.

In someone else's body.

That you don't feel like you belong anywhere.

Well thats what it felt like to me when you were gone,

from my life and very soul.

I couldn't bear to go to your funeral after your death,

I knew that if I did I'd probably want to kill myself.

I waited for you to return back from your holiday,

forever I couldn't bear letting you go but somewhere deep inside,

I knew you were gone forever.

Mum why did you have to leave us,

Imiss you so badly.

Mum please come back.

Bye Mum, talk toyou soon.

Love Viola.