Badly fried today, my head has been opened and my brain scrambled about, too many things inside today, too many voices too many sounds too many questions. Still trying to work out what is today what was yesterday what is tomorrow except an extension of today……
The house of cards is rickety, someone should condemn my brain as unfit for human habitation. Knock it down and start again build something useful like a school or a church something someone can get some use out of. Maybe someone has shuffled the deck and dropped the cards all over the floor. Some are lost forever under the furniture some are chewed up by the dog. There are not enough jokers to replace the cards that are missing.
Maybe a magician has done a magic trick with them, the cards that make up my mind. He has done a vanishing trick and can’t remember which pocket he hid them in………. I wish to God he would find them again.
Is this today ? is this now ? is this last week ? is this a new year or merely an invention to created to sell diaries and calendars. Time is an illusion, if we spend time living does that also mean that our lives are an illusion. If so who is having this dream ?
Why would anyone dream me ? why would anyone imagine my pain right now ? is this a cruel game played by a sadistic child who pulls the wings off a fly ?
WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEONE IMAGINE THIS ?
Maybe I should just be a good dog and take my drugs……………. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up moaning and take the medication. Take the pills and sit slumped in my chair staring blindly at the TV while it tries to sell me things I don’t need I cant afford but come with free postage and a lifetime warranty. ……… While I sit stoned watching a reality show about a woman who has 15 children from 15 men takes crack but wants to be forgiven by God and her white trash mother who also doesn’t know who the fathers are…….. I mean if people want to humiliate themselves why do it in public ?
It all renders down in the end……………. In the end it comes down to basics, almost said “down to the nitty gritty” but the origin of that is too horrific to contemplate…. Ok it all comes down to brass tacks…….. pain, drugs and the fucked up contents of my head……. Not sure if they are related, if they are related which one is the daddy? I no longer know which one came first, the pain, the medication or the fucked up mind…..
I’m sick of it all !!!!!!!!!!!! sick of the pain the drugs the bullshit and the well meaning fucking interfering therapists.
I’m sick of it all and want out!!!!! Right fucking now !!!
Tell me about your pain they ask me……… What do you wanna know ? It hurts it really really hurts……….. Not enough she says………. Not enough explanation……. Tell me about your inner pain tell me about the pain tell me about the pain you have inside your head, we need to know we have a right to open your head and see what is inside………. I have letters after my name that give me the right to sit here in my expensive office on my expensive chair drinking expensive coffee running up an expensive bill to pay for my expensive education that cost more than you will earn in a year. “That” she says “gives me the right so spill the beans……….. spill the fucking beans or we will find another way to get into your head and I assure you, you won’t like it one little bit………”
“ Remember the longer it takes to cure you the more money I can screw out of people so I can wait all day if necessary I get paid by the hour. You think I come cheap ? While we on the subject how often do you cum ? How often do you fuck ? How do you like to fuck ? With women or with men ? Or do you prefer sadism a bit of pain to help you get there ? Its ok there’s only me and my secretary reading your notes………. Also use you as a case study into so may different types of psychosis and neurosis…… I can make a fortune out of you so save the pethanol and tell me the truth right fucking now……..
SHUT THE FUCK UP !!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA HAVE PEACE AND QUIET DON’T WANNA LISTEN TO YOUR SMUG VOICE TELLING ME WHATS IN MY HEAD………………………
Its my head, its my brain its my body I do what I want with it and its none of your business !!!!!!!!!!!
Too much to do to many things need sorting too many people after my time and energy too many places to be at the same time too much work to do too many people asking me questions……………
Too tired too tired too tired too tired too tired cant sleep cant dream anything but nightmares when I do sleep…………
As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take……
I pray the lord my pain to take away, I don’t wanna die I don’t want my last memory of life to be pain or a hospital bed, a cold comfort priest standing over me murmuring the last rites and commending me to the arms of God providing of course I have confessed my myriad sins and repented to God………. If I don’t repent ? do I spend eternity with this pain ?
TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s all I ask take this pain away from me .. Please someone take this pain away from me……
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