I'm just a young girl.
Sophomore in high school.
I guess you could say it's normal for a teenage girl to feel longely, sad, depressed, and insecure.
You see, I've been through some things, and I caused damage to my body and my mind.
I'm way different then my friends.
It's funny.. really funny. My friends talk to me during school and we have fun, but when it's summer only a few are real friends. The rest will plan things and get together and forget about me. I wish I could be fixed.
The cuts on my arm....they're healing...finally starting to fade. I'm insecure because....this girl...my friend...she's so damn pretty. She's fifteen...she looks eighteen and acts twenty-one. I'm almost fifteen...I look fifteen and act not normal. My insecurites are controlling my life. I won't go out...at all. I've only been out maybe 3 times with friends over the 6 weeks over summer. I'm ashamed.
I fall asleep by crying my eyes out. I wake up exhausted and sad. I do daily chores. I eat. Shower. Watch TV. Text. Go back to sleep. Same routine every day.
There's this one girl I envy. She's really short and so damn pretty, a prettier version of snookie. Let's call her Cassi (Not her real name), she's a gymnast, very fit, my age, and has been dating a senior since school started last fall, obviously he now graudated. She has a great relationship with him, and it's not fake unlike all of the other bullshit, drama filled relationships I see. Everyone loves her....I feel like everyone hates me.
I want to be pretty.
I want to have clear, scar free skin.
I want to be happy.
The only part that's good in my life...is my boyfriend. Let's call him Trevor, he's 20 years old and lives in GA. Now, don't judge too quick. He's nothing like the assholes I've dated before. We talk every single day...and he's just perfect. I've been talking to him for over a year and we just started dating five months ago. He's a very honest christian, but just older. He's everything I've ever wanted...but just unacceptable at the moment. It's hard trying to keep the one I love a secret. He puts up with my bullshit, and it's not easy. Bottom line is...we're in love. Ellen is a lesbian and has been married for four greatful years, in that time she hasn't effected anyone else's marriage, so my decision of dating an older guy shouldn't effect anyone else either. I'm the one that's going to have to live with my decisions. I'm not going to regret anything that put a real smile on my face. Point blank.
I don't know why...but I'm always so exhausted and I feel like I'm carrying the weight of everyone. It's so weird. When I Trayvon Martin was shot and killed...I felt my heart stop...and...I swear I saw him. I didn't even personally know him. Whenever someone dies and I hear about on the news or something...I can see them in my dreams, and I see what actually happens because they talk to me. It's so very weird. I'm not scared of it, but I take the weight on to myself from their families, and it hurts.
I'm lost in a world full of pain. I hurt every day.
Sick of fake friends.
I have nothing more to say.