I felt ugly and fat,
Unworthy of life.
I was never good enough,
Never free from my thoughts.
I was able to resist the knife.
At least in the beginning.
I was a happy child,
I had friends, and a supportive family.
Then came middle school,
And everything changed.
I was picked on and harrassed,
My friends left me to fend for myself.
I had never felt so alone,
What had I done wrong?
Why were they calling me all these names?
Slut, Retard, Ugly, Fat.
Is this how the world saw me?
I looked in the mirror, studying my reflection closely.
I was hideous.
I hurt so much I was numb.
The pain made me feel alive,
Made me feel whole again.
Each cut I made drowned out the voices calling names,
I could finally breathe.
But the feeling didn't last,
The voices always returned with a vengeance.
So I would cut deeper, and deeper until I began to feel dizzy.
I cried myself to sleep, silently begging the taunting to stop.
It never did.
I needed help, but was too ashamed to ask.
What would my parents think?
My schoolmates already thought I was pathetic,
Why give them the knowledge to hurt me?
I stared long and hard at the irritated scars.
Was I worth it?
I thought about my life,
About my future and school.
I hated the other students,
I wanted them to suffer as much as I did.
Were they worth it?
I thought about the sadness my family would feel,
And found I couldn't do it.
I refused to hurt my family like that.
There was still a chance for revenge.
After all, the best revenge I could give my tormentors was to live a long and happy life.
I'd be damned if I let those bullies win.
I'll face them for as long as I need to overcome my insecurities.
Because while they have the support of superficial friends;
I have the support of an amazing family.