Rubbish

Rubbish

Alright, this is a new story about

Love and hate and the perfection of

The Soul.

But, hay, I somehow cannot

Remember what it was like to love

A man

A woman

In the moments when there was nothing

Within my soul.

Although, I have to begin

With why I refused to feel

And end with what made me feel love

And hate myself for feeling it.

It was 3 am

And the radio was turned on and

My mother was screaming at the empty

Walls, bare and broken, like

The walls of my soul

While my

Best friend lived in my haunted castle.

I would turn myself from feeling anything

And I would break down all my memories

So I don’t have to feel again…Because feeling

Anything

Is like opening the door for the monsters of

Rejection

To come right in.

I never really lost a world, although

It felt like the world has lost me

Because things just stopped making sense

And I stopped writing and

Seeing

And knowing what love was.

Before the haunted castle was torn down

I swore never to feel again and

Because of that I never knew what love was.

Even to-day I wonder if what I feel is

Really love?

If what I feel for someone,

is really love? Or ifIt isn’t just a fixation or a cold obsession

Followed closely by the fear of being alone?

And the worse things is that I know nothing

Because I keep telling myself

That

There really isn’t

Anything to know,

Because love is hate and

That is the end of it all.

But it’s not.

There is no end that simple, just like

There is no road paved with chocolate and

Candy sweets…life isn’t always sweet

And all of us suffer through the bitter times…But it doesn’t kill us

So then

It must make us stronger.

But I am off the track and I have lost

Myself and I suppose

You as well,

In what I meant to say.

I was locked in my own soul,

My own dark interpretation of

What life was and of what

Love was.

I was locked there without a way out

Without food

Without anything

And when you’re alone, you want to

FEEL

But I could not. For there was no

Memory of how to or how it felt.

I was dead inside, locked and burning

Like the dead in the grave…eternally.

Then my mother, dressed in the robes of

An angel, jumped through the brick wall

And freed my soul. I was angry, because

I was so far gone that I wanted to die,

To burn eternally like the dead of whom

Nobody knows anything. I struck the angel

And I was not sorry, for I could not feel.

And it is then that death descended upon me

And then that I felt I have lost the world,

Rather than being lost in my own nothingness.

And when the time to heal again, came,

I was sick and torn and tormented by daemons

Of which were faceless friends and bad worlds.

I had to break down the dark caves and

Kill the vampires that wanted to suck out my soul…

And I had to do it all by

MYSELF.

That is the story of how I became

ME

Again,

But still I could not feel.

The task might have

Proved harder

Had I had the power in me

To FEEL again.

But still, to-day, I am not even sure

If I have found it yet.

Even after all these months…

Have I come back to the world and

Come back into the life

And started feeling

The LIFE-FORCE

Pulsing in me

Again?

No.This is the point where I

LOST

Myself again.

Where all that was left and new

Even that which had been rebuilt

After the war with the white robed

ANGEL

Was

LOST

To us again.

And I did not care.

I felt nothing.

I did not love

And I did not

HATE

I was only locked in my own

DESPAIR

Of which I am sure now

That I could not have felt then.

I was

SICK.

After the sickness

Comes the antidote

And I found mine sooner than

Anyone would have

EXPECTED.

He was something to me

And I did not know what,

And so my quest began, saddled

On the BLACK HORSE

Of fear, I rode into his world

To find the truth that he

Had

HIDDEN.

In the beginning there was nothing but

The pretty face

For I could not even come close enough

To see those, now known,

SAPPHIRE EYES.

The hair was blond, and the skin pure

For I was not allowed close to

See the small

BLEMISH

On his skin;

On his

SOUL.

And after making myself love him

I realized that he might not love

Me

And it was too late.

ALREADY

I had fallen into my own trap

I MUST NOT LOVE!

Because

LOVE

Brings

PAIN

Brings

ANGER

Brings

HATE

Brings

REVENGE

Brings

DEATH of the soul.

I would never learn

And nothing would ever make sense.

Now the nameless one who stole

MY

HEART

Has disappeared

And all my friends, or the

ONE

That does not fear my being,

Says that she doesn’t want me

To get

HURT.

But it is far to late!

I

Have broken my soul and

I

Have broken my promise so

I

Must suffer for it.

There, it is written, in my

SCROLLS

Of

TIME,

That I have been deceived by one

Whom I love

And would love still

And would not forget

As easily as anyone

Before him.

I broke

My

PROMISE

And now I knowI

must

SUFFER.

Giving you this and that

Giving and getting nothing

BACK.

Can somebody help me?

All I need

Is to be

LOVED.

And screaming these words,

I wonder

About the stranger that I love,

The stranger that has stolen my heart

And with every bit of rejection

Is killing my soul.

I wonder why

I must give

UP

My soul in return to feel

LOVED.

This is the world.

This is the

Life that we

Must live.

This is the Rubbish of Love

This is…