This is a dediction to two very close friends of mine. It is also my first attempt at flash fiction.
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Submitted: Sep 20, 2008
Reads: 102
Comments: 8
Likes: 5
An argument, a moment of rage she opened the door and threw herself out. As she hit the ground it was all over. She felt pain, anger and suffering. Now she didn’t have to hear his angry words anymore. She didn’t have to deal with any of it anymore
But she forgot about everyone else. She forgot about her girls and her two sisters. She forgot about parents. All the people she’s left behind because she couldn’t deal with the arguing or pain. People left to sit and grieve for her. Pain that can’t be erased because they don’t know: why?
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Comments:
Hokay...this is pure beauty.
However you should not have to tell the reader, in your introduction, what the theme is. The reader needs to feel the theme when they read the last sentence. So, step back and read it like you have no clue of the background info until you've read the last line that reveals what the flash is about.
I hate to take away from the the sheer emotion and heart wrenching story and the wonderful way you've written. THis is actually quite poetic rather than 101'd. BUt, it still is a flash.
I hope you are alright and hold your pen close over the next while as everyone begins healing. What a horror Nita. Absolute sadness. My sincere sympathy to the whole realm of people involved.
Look forward to your writing as always.
Posted: Sep 20, 2008
Reading again, I actually thought this was about a teenager, just due to your intro. But it is actually an adult with children.
Soft sigh.
Posted: Sep 20, 2008
Goodness, Nita! That was intense. Very well written. However, I agree with Peach that it will work better if you remove the theme from the intro - the piece itself says it all, and says it so eloquently.
Posted: Sep 20, 2008
A moving and intense piece about what's left behind. Lots of emotion coming from those two paragraphs. Take care and, as Peach says, do hold your pen close as you begin to heal ~ Richard
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
Excellent
Pain that can’t be erased because they don’t know: why?
Fantastic line
Posted: Sep 27, 2008
Blimey Nita, that was very well done! Flash fiction is usually easy for me but I would find it hard establish and ending like that! It's sad but just perfect! ~ Nixie
Posted: Oct 16, 2008
This one knocked me off....this is so sad ...
hurtful life makes us blind and we don't see reasons...i feel pity for the woman too...she must have reached the heights of frustration...
but then , as mom says, "A woman should have loads of patience for her kids who need her the most"....
very difficult to judge since i was not in her shoes...
i am still shocked and at loss of words....
Posted: Dec 5, 2008
This story touches us with questions and the sense of waste and loss and how others left behind bear the pain. We can never know the hurt and depression that makes someone end their life - you have expressed this well and all the emotion and hurt in one short piece.
Posted: Jan 9, 2009
