I thought of you yesterday.
Needless to say it brought tears to my eyes.
To me, It feels like it was only yestersday you and mom were arguing about something, that I now bet you both feel, was completely irrelevant.
On that yesterday, you were taking me to put air in my bike at something that looked like 5'oclock in the morning. Perhaps because you knew that you wouldn't be back the next day. Only I am fully aqauinted with that memory. Or should I say dream, because no one else remembers. I may not vividly remember the way the sky looked like, or what the weather was like, or the kind of bike I was riding, but the feeling I get in my chest when I reminisce... tight. The way I felt just walking with you... light. At the time I didn't know to ask "Are you sleeping at home tonight?"
Mom said the drugs did that to you.
It seemed as if we all played a demented game of war with a chemical for your attention. I only remember you being there. I only remember you making me laugh, telling me silly little secrets I promised to keep, tickling me until tears stained my cheeks, making breakfast, playing video games in the living room sprawled lackadastically across the couch, telling jokes and laughing with the neighbor as you both shared a cigarette. I don't remember the drugs, the crime, and your extended "vacations."
Remember the time when you were arrested at home? I have never been so terrified, I had never wanted my daddy so much, until now. I yearned to throw my arms around your neck and breathe in your scent as if I'd never smell you again, and pour my heart out to you as if you were going to be gone forever.
I didn't know when you were coming back.
Just seeing you when you were on your knee in those silver home-wrecking circles, I am now old enough to identify as handcuffs, that kept you away from me for so long was like seeing you be taken away from me forever. It's crazy how I didn't feel those things at that moment because it happened so fast that I guess I didn't have time to feel. Now that you're gone, I catch myself drifting into memories and feeling the way I felt, or should have felt, or replaying the moment and re-doing things I would've done if I had the knowledge that I have now.
If only I knew what I knew now.
I know you cared daddy, I know you cared. And let me tell you this.
You will always be the man who made me laugh until I cried. You will always be the man to make me cry even if I'm laughing. You will always be the man who had a smile just like mine, a humor like mine, a heart like mine.... You will always be the man who taught me how to tie my shoes when I was only in daycare. You will always be the man repsonsible for me only tying my shoe, the only way I know how. You will always be the man who mom cries over on nights we thought she was fine, you will always be the man whose wallet she holds so close to her heart occasionally just to get a feel of you... As if her heart beats can resurrect you, she just holds it there.
As if my heart could resurrect you, I keep you there.