
Random First Lines: Sorry I broke up with you,I still love you,I am crying as I type this,You Broke my heart,So I left you,When I... : Poetry » Read
You can treat life in many ways but what can you do when your senses are dulled and your brain is numb. Then you forget relations. You remember performance alone. View table of contents...
Submitted: May 15, 2008 Reads: 233 Comments: 60 Likes: 25
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It's kind of confusing. It would be better if you put the names in front of who was speaking. Like a real script. For example:
Bubbly: I love to write
ixluvx2xwritex2x: Me too!
It would just be more helpful. It was good, though...
Posted: May 15, 2008
I thought it was pretty well written bubbly! nice work!
Posted: May 15, 2008
i appreciate ur prose writing Bubbly thats so well written. bless you
Posted: May 15, 2008
it is a lttle confusing but keep up the good work:]
Posted: May 15, 2008
Wow tht's is really good!
Posted: May 15, 2008
Oh that woman is so selfish, all she cares about is herself.
It's really well written though.
Great job.
~Kaori
Posted: May 15, 2008
I LOVED it! i love reading scripts, its like a story come to life, and you my friend created just that, Brilliantly! Bravo ma belle, very well done!
Steph:)
Posted: May 15, 2008
I can't believe such a selfish woman...
I always loved reading scripts. Thanks a lot, bubbly. The characters are so alive especially Elaine, hate her...
Posted: May 15, 2008
I think it's well written. I was able to follow each character's line. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful script.
Posted: May 15, 2008
This is really good bubbly! I liked it very much!^^
Keep writing.^^
Posted: May 15, 2008
This is a great effort, Bubbly. I don't know much about script writing, but I appreciate the way your words seem to dance on the screen.
Posted: May 15, 2008
why is this on the front page?
Posted: May 15, 2008
Hi Bubbly!
The Prose you wrote has got nice harmony.... throughout story it keeps bind the reader....
About the cheractor: Elaine has said good thing once; she says:
Elaine: Of course, dear. But how long can you molly coddle them. You have to let them grow independently after a certain age. Or their growth will lack that something normal.
But she must have done some mistake in bringing forth to her child otherwise he would't have become HABITUAL of drugs.
She is acting with the son as if he is not his son...because when he got died ..she said now her all arrangements has gone waisted..she descibes them...and she says she would use black clothes...she explains all the sadness as if all sad is just a superficial event...otherwise what generally happens when some closest dies the close lefts talking about all secondary things...just a different state one goes in...
Richard is bit sincere person.He does things intelligentally.
One suggestion is that you may continue this and finishing with a novel.
Thanks!
Posted: May 15, 2008
Hi Bubbly,
the script in my opinion still needs a little work. Some of the dialogue especially between Elaine and Melanie is uneccesarilly long. You also need to include one liners, the beauty of a script is wicked one liners. High society women my Dear, are way more selfish than you have portreyed them, believe me. You should have included alot more talk of clothes and Diamond necklaces etc. As for tucking the kids in at night and then having the time to talk, well for a woman who thinks a dogs birthday party is a social event children dont hold much importance. One last thing Bubbly, plz dont think me rude but there are several grammatical errors throughout this script, you have to iron them out. I wish i could have done it for you but comments are all we are allowed to give lol.
Posted: May 16, 2008
Holy cow, I just realized that this was set in Edmonton!! YAY my home town!!!!. . . . Anywho, still a great script.
~Kaori
Posted: May 16, 2008
Hi Bubbly. Thank goodness it was fiction. Elaine was a very unlikeable character, very selfish and cold. I think you made a great villian for your script. Nice job!
Posted: May 16, 2008
Hi Bubbly,
I think this is very well written, overall. It's a bit of a caricature, I think...by that I mean I think there are probably a lot of "socialites" that fit this mold pretty well, but I think it is the exception rather than the norm, at least in my experiences with some of these people. But you've really matched the stereotype of wives of extremely wealthy men; self-centered party-goers with a closet full of clothes they've probably never worn more than once.
In the story, we never hear the husbands mentioned at all, so I think their exact occupation is irrelevant. These could have been aristocrats, hollywood movie stars, etc.
Nicely done, and it could be expanded quite a bit I think. Maybe develop the backgrounds a bit more for Richard and Mary. Maybe bring the husbands into the picture and see how their personalities contrast with their spouse's. Maybe even introduce Kane, reveal some of the conflict he experiences; i.e. the innocent child thrust into the world of extreme wealth...does he behave differently around Richard and Mary than he does his mother? What kind of life does his girlfriend lead? Is she just another socialite spawn or is she just a common girl with a wild side?
Just food for thought...but I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
-John
Posted: May 16, 2008
good enough for me
Posted: May 16, 2008
I haven't come across such cold-blooded bitch for she appreciated her variety (dogs) alone. How could she like humans (her own son Kane). Go ahead with Dinesh's idea of developing it into a novel.
Posted: May 16, 2008
Much better! YAY!
Posted: May 16, 2008
Hellow Bubbles. I read it yesterday. But couldn't come to comment on it. This brought back painful past, I wish to forget. My father deserted our family of eight children. My single mom brought us up single-handedly. Then I started sharing her burden. I craved for a happy family, a dad. I felt neglected. I died many times but still am alive. Kane is me. I don't want to say any more.
Posted: May 16, 2008
very very awesome! I really like it a lot!!!
Posted: May 16, 2008
I love it. It's so cool how Elaine looks so perfect, but everything can't get any worse. Very entertaining, though. I couldn't stop reading.
Posted: May 16, 2008
I like it. its just a constant reminder that money,and power truly cannot buy happiness.
Posted: May 16, 2008
can't imagine a mother to be like this....
liked this one...this is very well drafted
Posted: May 16, 2008
Woah. I love this!
I hate that woman, all she cares about is her party than her own son...
U r totally good in writing scripts...
I love it(I want to say it a thousand times)....n_n
Posted: May 17, 2008
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Elaine: (to herself) Get hold of yourself El. This is your moment. Now everyone will be watching me closely. I must look like a grieving mother. How can I achieve that look. I don’t even like that. Glycerine…cheeks puffed, lips swollen…I had seen it in that movie. How it all made me laugh. Now, I have to enact it. Hey, Liz Taylor, you have competition. I can’t let my spirits go down or else this will weigh me. Let me practice it once…Anyways, I can carry Wafer with me. At least people can have a glimpse of him.
..Elaine's character stands out because she was so evil. I think it only shows real life tragedy's of high class lives where you were just showing people what they only wanted to see. And I like the sequence of script because readers can trace up what kind of woman she wanted to be and how it turns out to be the opposite. The pressures around her and I think because she never let anyone to love and understand her even if she badly needed it!!Welll whahahaha that jsut my opion!:> Well done bubbly!
Posted: May 17, 2008
I have read many comments on the woman. I believe I do not have the right to question your ideas. They are your own. What could be negotiated is your way of presenting these ideas. My first reading is very promising. Looks like a nice play is in the making. I just do not feel comfortable with the very educated idioms that are not likely to appear in a daily exchange, e.g., "stone unturned", "who's who". I also feel some of the turns are uninvited, e.g. the woman talking about her dress for tomorrow, unexpected and unasked. I suggest you review your piece with a single purpose: making sure all turns are warranted, invited, asked, expected, so that they sound relevant.
I will get back to this piece with more comments. But very well-done Bubbly. Way to go!
Posted: May 17, 2008
Great work man, you captured a lot in this short scripted piece. What a selfish bitch, you really pulled it off well. 21 thumbs up.
Posted: May 17, 2008
Hey Bubbly
As a single mum, it is hard to imagine someone as callous and cold as Elaine. To see an opportunity out of her son's death is horrible. The first phone conversation, I found my mind wandering, but the dialogue soon dragged me back. It is sad that someone who seems to have it all, really does not have any ides what is important.
Bravo - Well Done!!
Posted: May 17, 2008
Nice work Bubbly. I really enjoyed the dialog and I actually felt the characters come to life a bit. I have a a questions though. What medium are you intending with this script; a play, TV, movie, short film, etcetera, or just anything? I would also add more instruction to the script. That's how I write scripts at least. I usually have a vision of what I want created and thus direct the tone of voice of the character and their general actions and movements (as well as what the camera is focusing on if it's that sort of work). All in all though, I enjoyed it and I think you did a very good job.
Posted: May 17, 2008
I'm recalling John Webster's play "The White Devil". Elaine is a modern day (d)evil, a villi, who'll remain unmatchable in years to come. You have created a
self-willed woman, who is not a robot but is not with human feelings too. Elaine's is a growing breed and let's see what the future holds. You call her a wretched, she calls herself a wronged woman. She doesn't care for Kane but calls a dog her son. And she has to create tears to grieve her own son's death! Unmatchable. This is what'll set this script apart. Let's hope it doesn't become a reference point for villis in years to come. But I admire her spirit. She stands apart in a man's world. She's a woman after all, a strong-willed woman. Hat's off to Elaine.
Posted: May 17, 2008
I think it's a great script. Good job!
Posted: May 17, 2008
Perfect title. Good start. Streamline the dialogue and keep in mind that most people use contractions—can’t, don’t, won’t. Be sure to put in the missing question marks.
Posted: May 18, 2008
great job!!! loved it!
Posted: May 18, 2008
I did read it, but I cannot seem to get into reading scripts. For me personally, it doesn't has as much depth. I do much better with poetry or short stories. You did ask me to comment on it. One thing I can say is while the characters are speaking, what else are they doing? Is Elaine playing with her hair? Or is she pacing around? Sitting crossing and uncrossing her legs? For me, it's about being visual.
MA
Posted: May 18, 2008
Very Interesting script. I was really able to follow it. The mother was so self centered, you could almost hate her. You really did a good job on this. Bravo. Great Job
Posted: May 18, 2008
That woman was so cold! One criticism....i think having the husbands jobs mentioned was kinda out of place since they ddin't have a part in the script...kinda out of the loop....but otherweise very well written!
Posted: May 18, 2008
This was well written and i really enjoyed reading it. She even had ill feelings towards her son after his death. She is truly a cold hearted individual, and I thought the mother in the movie "Flowers in the Attic" was heartless.
Posted: May 19, 2008
Hey bubbly. I would have to say that this script has the feeling of a play to it, but it could probably be adapted to a short film or something along that line. The title I think speaks very well to the whole situation these characters are in, but especially for Elaine. The ending is also superb and really sums up Elaine's whole sad existence.
Posted: May 19, 2008
I like the story a lot. That Elaine is such a b--ch. Will it be continued?
Posted: May 21, 2008
Intriguing. I really enjoy the character Elaine, but I've always had a fascination with the social elite and their high octane, selfish operas. The transitions were smooth, and I thought the plot was lovely. Overall, a fun read.
Posted: May 21, 2008
I liked Elaine's character. Definitely a strong enough presence to carry a story all on her own, and she's a real wench to boot, which makes her interesting to read about (one of those love-hate things...you gotta love her cos she's so....GAAAAAH, but for all the same reasons, you despise her....good work! :)
-Chris
Posted: May 22, 2008
what inspired you to write this? i loved the ending, it was funny as hell! and that self-centered little bitch! (oops excuse my language)...
i loved it. i had no problem reading it. i was a had a little problem though imagining Kane as a bad boy; he seems so good to me.:)
anywho. great job and i have to pass this story to my friends... hope they laugh too at the end.
all the best alex...
Posted: May 22, 2008
Nice job, there! That woman is so annoying. :/ You did a god job making her character so hatanle! Haha :P
Posted: May 23, 2008
Opps, I meant horrible. I don't know how hte hack it turned into hatanle! x_x My bad
Posted: May 23, 2008
I didn't feel so wretched as after reading this. This woman is insane.
Posted: May 25, 2008
Horrible. I can't believe this.
Posted: May 25, 2008
I empathise with Kane and I feel pity for Elaine.
Posted: May 25, 2008
This woman is truly wretched.
Posted: May 28, 2008
Bad woman. Good son.
Posted: May 28, 2008
no problemo x i love all of ur stuff x
Posted: Jun 9, 2008
If Elaine can't cry for her real son Kevin, I can. You write powerfully. This evokes my emotions.
Posted: Jun 15, 2008
I can sympathise with Elaine as she hasn't lived in a real world among real people. Her real sense of loss is more tahn we can ever realise. Good job of a tasteful story.
Posted: Jun 18, 2008
I thoroughly enjoyed this. Good jub.
Posted: Jun 19, 2008
My heart goes out both for Elaine and Kane. Both lived torturous lives. He at least dies, she'll live but what life. Very sad and strange too. This story is out of the ordinary. Good work.
Posted: Jun 25, 2008
This gives me a lot to think about. The rich live in their castles in a world of their own with no connection with the real world. This is a peek into that unreal world. Eeks!
Posted: Jun 25, 2008
Poor Elaine.
Posted: Jul 16, 2008
Shame on Elaine. I really enjoyed this. You're a great writer. Hope you check out my writing and maybe spare some tips?
Happy Writing. =3
Posted: Jul 17, 2008
That was good, kinda sad but still...One thing (I'm not sure if this is normal in scripts i don't read them much)
there is no emotion just Hi.How are you.Where is should be Hi! How are you? Once again I'm not sure weather it's normal or not.
Posted: Jul 28, 2008
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