Lo Creo Cuando Lo Veo

2. Lo Creo, Cuando Lo Veo

Bertila middle aged woman paces the stage. Setting up a small table with chips and drinks.After a moment sits down and begins to talk with the audience in her home.Her sense of humor is refreshing and real. She won’t hold back her feelings for a second.

You know I have always been suspicious about things, my tia made me that way. “don’t ever trust people with shakey eyes” what does a shakey eye look like right? I don’t know, but as a child she would constantly be second guessing people and questioning everything never believing anything until she saw it for herself. Since she raised me, I took to this trait. And sometimes a little too much. . Maria is going to be so happy to see you all. It’s been three years, but she is coming home. I can’t believe it… Ill believe it when I see it. (takes a seat, and begins reminiscing)Even though she is my baby, now she is my best friend. Do you know Maria and I weren’t always like this. Our past was mostly my fault, I realize now. She was a young girl who didn’t do anything bad. But I didn’t treat her as such. The problem was me, and I knew it.

My family lived in poverty, harsh living conditions with a harsher mother, Ay Dios. It wasn’t until I left Honduras that I found true happiness. My husband. Yes a gringo from the states. So white and pasty but so good to me. I met Eduardo at school, I was studying nursing and he would give lectures to my night class. Eduardo was a physician a very good one actually. He was the one who made me realize what it was like to be alive. The first two years were amazing he helped me get settled find a steady job. We were both so busy, but so happy.(back to reality) It wasn’t until I caught him with the puta Conchita, I was brought back to reality. Me, the queen of being suspicious didn’t even see that one coming. I should have know better right, letting some white man sweep me off my feet and basically leave me for dead. With a child too. I guess it’s my fault, I never told him I was pregnant. I actually didn’t know until about 2 months later. And I saw him a few times after that. He would always say “Waaaoo Bertila, you are getting curvier.” What you think because I’m Latina I want to have a fat ass? I would tell him the weight gain was from overeating and it really was. I was ashamed I guess you could say. I was a single woman with a baby and to hide the bulge I would eat, he believed it was just food and at that time I used to wish that was the case.

I remember countless night is would sit up crying, cursing that mans name because I had nothing. Had to save my money from working, just barely getting by. And all that happiness Eduardo showed me was gone. It was like I was back in Honduras, but this time I was alone no family, no true friends… just me and my baby.

So Maria was born June 4th and I had never been so scared, ohh my god. I had no clue what I was doing. I just wanted to do it right. That first year was tough. Everything changed more food, water, poop everywhere. A whole nother person I was to care for, and I couldn’t even take care of me . During the days I didn’t know what to do with her. Luckily, one of the women from work had a daughter who loved babies. Well, if it weren’t for her our chances of survival would have been slim, she would watch Maria while I would work. It really made me nervous to leave her with someone I didn’t know. At work I would have these horrible day dreams that this girl would run off with Maria and I would never find her just always hear her calling my name. You know I always do that. I stretch reality so far it starts to freak me out. But she took good care of her. It was always a constant rush to end my shifts, not like it ever mattered because The bus was always running late or going slow, and really all I wanted to do was to get my hands on my baby because she was the only thing that made me feel safe.

As Maria got older I really started to resent her father and my self for not realizing he was doing the no-nochacha on the side. And because of those feelings my aggression went out toward her. Life was frustrating and lonely. For months I tried dating I wanted to have a male figure in Maria life and someone to be my companion. Little did I know that by doing this Maria started to resent ME. Whenever I had male company she would do everything in her power to make it uncomfortable and akward. I would get so angry with her for misbehaving. In the long run it was probably a good thing, I don’t trust myself sometimes, I can’t imagine ever trust a man again. Usually it would be the first and last time these men would set foot in our apartment. After a while I just gave up and decided maybe I should just be single and work on this wonderful “bond” I had with my daughter.

As the years went by I drove her out of my life.When she was 15 she decided that living with her best friend’s family was the better alternative than living with me. We would yell sun up sun down. When she broke this news to me, I talked so badly to her. I still haven’t forgiven myself for it. I called her dirty names trying to break her down. Who says those things to their daughter right? I guess it was my way of coping with the situation. But in actuality I was so hurt she didn’t want to live with me. I had failed at being a mother the one thing I could really do or I thought I could do. I began to question everything. What did I do wrong how could I change, but at this point it was too late. SO instead, I made her feel like it was fine do what she wanted, just for her to leave me alone and get out of my life.

After that whole situation I would see Maria a few times a week. She would rarely be home when I got back from work. Out galavanting the streets, boys who knows. She did everything in her power to avoid me. When she turned 18 she told me she wanted to leave the states and go to S.AM to do missionary work…And I just laughed. How could a girl who to me was the devil incarnate want to help people she didn’t know, when she wouldn’t help her own mother. I had such a bitter taste in my mouth about our past .Well even though she transformed into this god protected servant, it didn’t benefit our relationship in the least bit. It’s like when you see that one woman from church giving people the finger on the road, it’s like what? You cant do that! your holy! Ohh yes you can. And believe me, Maria used all her bad moments on me.

Sometimes I wanted to fix things, but she was a young woman and I couldn’t stop her from her dreams. She planned it all on her own and if it made her happy, it made me just as happy…but I would never let it show.(Very reminiscing,almost upset with herself)I never took the opportunity to realize how good of a person she was, who wanted to dedicate some of her life to teaching people how to find faith.

When she left that summer, that was it. I didn’t hear from her for two year, two years. Do you know what that is like for a mother? I mean she may be a ladiya but she learned from the best. And that’s my baby. I was lost. Even though when she lived here, we fought constantly, but I knew that she was safe. She was something to care for, to live for. My life from there on out was horrible. It was the same thing every day work, and sleep watch Tv. Like a hermit woman, I didn’t want to do anything. I let myself go and hated every minute of it.

Last year I was checking the mail which I almost never do because well, nobody rights me, ever. And I see this letter with several stamps, it’s from Maria. I will never forget. As silly as it sounds, it was the most exciting thing to happen to me. I don’t know why I was so happy, our relationship had left on bad terms. I guess I was just happy to just know she was alive and that she remembered me. I was so nervous I ripped it open and all it said was, “Mamita I’m sorry”….I’m sorry…

The next two days I spent writing, every detail of what had gone on while she has been gone, who got married, divorced, how all the children were doing in the neighborhood. And I sent it, not knowing if she would get it, if she would care. If she even wanted to hear back from me. And so I waited weeks with no reply. That’s my problem you know I get so excited, and sometimes I don’t think about how other people will react or what they want I always assume things, I assumed she wanted to hear from me. But I heard nothing back.

About a month later she proved me wrong. She wrote back.(her true happiness shows)

And that is how we are here now. Letters, from Miami to Ecuador once a week. For the past year it’s been nothing but letters. That is how we rebuilt our relationship. This is the best I have felt in the longest time. Even though I haven’t seen her in three years she is the only thing I have left and the only thing I have ever had. I have the relationship I have always wanted. It took long enough right, only 21 years in the making, 21 years I took her for granted. I wonder what she looks like all the time. I don’t even remember what her voice sounds like sometimes. I always sit out on my porch thinking she will just walk up out of no where, like she used to when she was little. You know I’m so paranoid. Ever since she told me she was coming I get afraid that she is going to write and say “sorry not coming”. Like this morning I got this call and you know me miss suspicious, I don’t believe anything anybody says .This morning I got the strangest call and I keep thinking about what they said. Its funny you know this man is all serious calling from the international airline… Some crazy man calling me to say my daughter isn’t coming home? ha you think I’m going to believe that. all serious This man calls to tell me Maria’s plane has crashed You think I’m going to believe that? Liars…(begins to believe it) liars! You can say whatever you want, but I know better. She is coming home, I know it, she told me she was coming to see me.(completely convinced) And I know it no matter what they say. And I will wait here, I will wait right here until she comes. I will never believe you. She is coming home five o’clock I’ll believe it when I see it. My baby is coming home.. right?