April, 28, 2011
To my dearest love,
I feel the need to write you again. I've had a bad
Where are you, my love? Are you near me? Perhaps you are far
away. How old are you now? What is your name? How will I meet
you? Or, have I met you already? Have we crossed paths? If we
have, I don't even realize it's you, do forgive me. I keep
searching for you because I know you exist. I don't doubt it.
You must exist. You were made for me, born to me by partner;
designed to be my equal, handmade by the Almighty, just for
My love, when I find you, I will never let you go.
Who are you, love? I know you must be growing up as well as I. I
wonder how your life is now, in this letter's present. Are you
happy? Are you well? My love, I feel happy just thinking about
you. Just thinking of all the good times we will have. Of all the
experiences we will live together. I can't wait to find you and
let the world know who you are.
I love you, even now. I feel I truly do.
I've been through a lot. I've done horrible-unthinkable
Perhaps, there are others who see my life as an easy one-there
might be worst cases; no, I know there are worst. But the life
I've lived until now, I wished I could've lived it with you by my
side. It would've saved me a lot of troubles and heart brakes.
It would've saved me a lot of mistakes… I suppose I needed them
to learn and grow up. Tough love… I was just too stubborn to know
I was already yours. All that's left to do is find you and let
you claim me as I'll claim you. When we meet, love, when we
I will cherish you.
I dream of being in your arms, of becoming a family.
I dream of the day when we will have our first child. We will be
parents! Have you ever thought about that?-How you're kids will
be like? You'll be a daddy! I'm so excited. I dream of us growing
old together, seeing our grandchildren. I dream of us fighting
and then making up. I dream of you, love, you torment me in the
sweetest ways. I wish to have you now, but I can't help but to
fear that a long time awaits me before I meet you. I'm saddened
by it, but I realize I have some growing up to do. Perhaps so do
you. Perhaps you haven't even thought about me at all yet. But
that's okay, I still love you, I've only just realized about you
I need you.
I feel so lonely… so lonely without you. I know-I feel a part of
me empty-a part that only you can fill. I have crashed so many
times against life… but so many times I've dusted my knees and
stood back up. Now I just need your hand to help me up, kiss my
cheek and tell me it's all right.
I love you so much.
I can't even stop saying it, thinking it.
I'll tell you something, love. I feel depressed right now. You
might laugh when you read this years from now. I might too. I
will tell you because I believe you are my best friend I've yet
to meet. I believe you will understand everything. I believe you
might be going through the same things I am now, or have gone
thought the same. When you read this you'll be all grown up.
Perhaps you have learned the trick to it, perhaps you have gained
more knowledge in this beautiful, twisted, sadist thing we call
I have had my heart broken once again. I keep telling myself not
to be saddened by it. I know in ten years from now I won't even
care-IF I remember it at all. Hell, perhaps in a year from now I
won't even remember it. Forgive my stupidity, love. But I have
not met you yet, and I get fooled again and again.
It seems I have the worst luck with guys ( don't include
yourself, lol.-oh! I wonder if by the time you read this "lol"
will still be used as an expression of laughter… ANYWAYS-) I too
am the worst when it comes to guys. I'm trying my best to change;
I don't want to be like this anymore. It's a pattern, see. I get
hurt, I look for someone else to heal me, I use him. Then throw
him away and on to the next one. Until one actually catches my
heart again. It all goes well, until I get scared and ruin
everything. I hurt him, he hurts me and the pattern starts all
over again. I have trust issues now. Not just in romantic
relationships… I trust no one except God. It's a lonely feeling.
I am also afraid to love; I wonder who isn't? But I do know most
people don't live by their fear-it's what we are suppose to
do-conquer our fears, live and love. But I am one of those people
that shut down everything after getting so beat up… The human
body rejects any harm that come to it… especially when it has
suffered from it before, it becomes defensive. I have become
defensive. I am weak but appear strong. Can you relate to any of
Love, I've been played with so many times. But I have played with
people a shameful number of times as well. What goes around comes
around… It doesn't need to have sex necessarily involved-even
playing with someone's heart is equally as bad.
This time, the tables turned on me. It's true that when you lose
something, that's when you notice how much you like it-need
I know this is temporary, my love-only mere immature troubles of
the heart. I think that's what it will look like in ten-twenty
years from now. Because I have not met you, and, when I do, I
will know and I won't have these kinds of problems. You are the
one for me. But until I do, I'm afraid I might get tricked again
by my weak heart. No matter how much I try to conceal my
feelings, to act as if I don't care, to look for things to fill
my void, to hurt myself, to forget, no matter what it, seems I
Are you going through this too? Have you gone through this? I
know you will understand.
This time I did not get what I wanted. I always did get the guy I
wanted. It sounds as if I'm bragging but I'm not. I'm not
entirely proud of it because when I did get the guy I usually
used him, not cherishing the good fortune I had-the heart I held
in my hands. Besides, I don't even know why I even got the guys…
I don't find me especially pretty. Sigh, I should probably stop
talking about my appearance, and what I think of it… trust me you
don't want to hear what I have to say about that. Not now
anyways, you'll hear plenty of that later.
Back to my present: He loves (or likes… I don't think love is the
appropriate word. We teens tend to confuse like with love.-two
very different things), another girl-his girlfriend. We had a
past, I hurt him and we went our separate ways because I choose
it. We were best friends you see. Not like you and I, of course.
Our bond is much stronger. But at the moment he was my greatest
friend. And now, he hurt me, filled me with illusion, he claimed
he still wanted me, he wanted to give us another chance-oh my
love, the things I did and thought believing it was you… How
foolish I was. The shell I created around me, the perfect way of
denying myself of loving him was broken. He made me open myself
completely and then let me to burn. He lied. He took it back just
the day after he confessed. It seems he only felt it on that
particular day when he said it… a weak day for him. He staggered,
and shook and gave into temptation; longing, and toyed with my
broken heart. Yes, it is broken, my love. Forgive me. You might
have to go through the trouble of mending it.
I don't really wish to expand this story of my friend and I. You
can ask me later, and I'll answer anything you wish to know (if I
remember, ha-ha. You might know by now, I have bad
Sigh, oh love I wish to have you. I wish to know you and forget
these crazy fears I've created over the years.
I wish to love you and to be loved. Where are you?
This summer will be the first one on my own. No boyfriend, no
pretender, no fooling around online, no dangerous situations to
fill voids, no talking with strangers… just me and my memories
and my thoughts of you that keep me going. I wish to get a job
this summer, do lots of exercise. Get busy. Grow up and forget my
child like fears. And I wish to know you. Once I do, I won't ever
let you go. I know you will not let go if me either. You were
made for me. You'll feel it too.
I feel relieved writing you. I feel a bit at ease, love. I wish
to know your name, though. I wish to know your face, to dream of
you-not a mystery man. But, good things come to those who wait,
yes? I will wait. You will find me, I trust you. Please, find
I've run out of lines to write. Forgive me? I wish to talk to you
every day, every minute of my life. I cannot yet. Our time will
come, my love. It seems only my longing is left; only the love I
wish to express.
How I wish you were here to kiss my lips, to see the love burning
in your eyes when you look at me, to feel you love me… I wish you
could keep me warm in cold nights like these. I wish to hear you
laugh, to see you smile, to study every inch of you and know you
by memory so I could draw a picture of you.
What are your hobbies? What is your family like?
God, I wish to know who you are!
I'm tired of falling down and scrapping my knees. They hurt. I
wish you were here to heal me. I wish to heal your wounds as
I will part here, reminding you of how much I love you. I love
you even now when I don't even know you-I have not met you, but I
know you exist.
Take care of yourself, now where ever your life is
Soon, my love, soon, I look forward to meeting you.
I look forward to spending my life with you.
After I've written you, I feel extremely silly. But it