A man revisits his past and finds a tragedy.
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Submitted: Jul 1, 2008
Reads: 83
Comments: 7
Likes: 3
Old Memories
It's nearing twelve o'clock, and almost time for the daily midnight stroll. Stopping to catch my breath, I gaze at the time; swiftly covering the living room. Gathering my belongings, I prepare myself for the chilling winter night. Waiting there patiently, leaving not a seconds early, nor a seconds late. Soon drifting off into space, staring at my feet. Plain old shoes, just comfortable for my taste; nothing fancy. Startled by the bell of the clock stroke, I haste out the door and onto the city streets. Click, clock, click, clock as the shoes tap the cobblestone. The quiet night, only broken by the sound of the brisk wind whipping by, making that unusual whistling noise. The rusty engines roaring down the roads as the common person returns from a day at work. The shops begin to close one by one, as I pass by, viewing the eccentric displays in the front windows. The city lights begin to fade, and it all becomes quiet. "Wall Street," mumbling under my breath as I make my way to the end of the block. "Wall Street" I begin to say, evolving into a repatative speech. Looking up, I turn left and in a distance, see my old highschool. I race across the empty intersection and begin to prance up to the courtyard. Stolen words escape my mouth, as I stand in awe looking upon the big, brass doors. "It's been thirty-five years since I walked through those doors. Thirty-five years of lonliness." Regaining my memory, my face became beat red. I remember her now: Tall, with blonde, curly hair. Big blue eyes, the "perfect" girl back in the day. She left me, before graduation..... A sudden pause came, as Alzheimers began to take its toll. Taking one final look, I walked along the narrow pathway and into the park. I never went to the park before, and I don't know why I went down there that day. Walking along the narrow pathways, the air began to thicken. The trees wielding overhead, with their long, black trunks. The moon started to disappear as the clouds started rolling in. Continuing my journey, I stop in my tracks. An impulse running through my head, as I quickly turn around. "Hmm.. I could've sworn that I... " - forgetting to finish the sentence. Sighing in releif, I continue my journey through the park. Reaching the edge of the pathway, I come up to the fountain. "My first kiss; Oh my, ... its been a long time...." The scupltings along the side were mermaids flocking in a sea of crystals. Sort of an odd thing, dont you think? Walking around the fountain, I see the edge of the forest, and the west side of the city; the slums and rundown territories. We often referred to them as the breeding grounds, since it was commonly known as the center for crime and criminals. Looking at the adjacent skyskrapper, the clock is about to strike one. "Its been a long walk, and its too cold and late at night for me to backtrack." Rumbling through my pocket to find spare change, just enough for one bus ride. The next stop will be here in twelve minutes, I sighed in annoyance. Sitting down on the bus bench, dowsing my eyes just for a momment. Bundling up and making myself comfortable, I remind myself to keep alert. Resting my eyes for another moment, the bus finally makes it way down the street. Gun shots rang out in the night, as cries for help came behind me. Turning around, a helpless, innocent girl running towards me, while being chased by a masked criminal. Grabbing her handbag, he flees off into the distance. I run across the street to check on the broken girl, but without notice. Taking one final glance, I look up into the big bright lights, and closed my eyes............
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Comments:
" Wall Street " hehe, nice. idk... what to say to u. * smacks forehead I like the ending, leaves me wondering. I liked it... lol pretty girl by the way. ^^
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
hi! ant. frightening and violent memories. it's good u closed ur eyes. at least, u won't get to see the gory sight. a good description of the most hap - gun culture of today. lol. ;-)
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
Jack the Knife
(not registered user)
Hey, Ant. Sorry, but I don't get the ending. Is this a memory as the man is waiting for the bus, or is it happening in the present? You don't give a clue. And what does it mean that he ran to check on the girl "without notice"? Also, a pursesnatcher shooting at his intended victim as she runs? And he's wearing a mask? Doesn't jibe with the typical street crime incident. And why is the girl "broken"? Was she shot? Was she knocked to the ground? We don't have to have all the details, just a reason for your description.
I see that you wanted the setting to be NYC, but your descriptions are not logical. There is no park near Wall Street that I am aware of, and where is this forest you are seeing? I am also unaware of the western part of Manhattan being the "center of crime and criminals" (redundant - you should leave out "criminals"), especially in an area where a skyskrapper(sic)is adjacent. And retail shops closing after midnight? Okay, this is NYC, but get real.
You go back and forth between the past and present tenses - you need to stick with one or the other.
The man is described as having Alzheimer's, but he's only 53. Possible, I guess, but unlikely, and why put this in?
Okay, why am I bothering to pick on you if I just didn't like it? Because you had a nice idea for a short story, and I hope you will clean it up and repost it. You don't have to make the setting NYC. It could be any nameless city, and then you wouldn't have wise guys like me pointing out errors. The running girl could be a memory, perhaps tied in to his lost love, or something, and the incident could be responsible for his current condition. Anyway, there are lots of interesting possibilities in this brief story, so I hope you will work on it.
Posted: Jul 4, 2008
Jack the Knife
(not registered user)
Ant - thanks for taking my critique in the spirit with which it was offered. And thanks for clearing up the confusing "without notice" phrase. Now the story makes sense to me. If you're itching for some payback, my stuff is out there. Sock it to me, dude, and keep writing!
Posted: Jul 4, 2008
Ant, this is another excellent work of yours. You have a way with words. You make them flow so beautifully, it's like I'm reading a poem when I am actually reading a story. This is amazing, I don't know why but it reminds me of "A Christmas Carol" in a way. We all remember 7B's rendition of that show! Anyway, please continue your comments on my work. I love to hear your input, it helps me out a lot. Thanks, pal.
Posted: Jul 6, 2008
It's a good plot for a short story, and by the way the alzheimers is perfectly relevant for his age. It can begin as early as 25. I liked it, but it needs just a little revision. Very good for your first try.
Posted: Aug 11, 2008
I understood you just fine, and don't worry about the little details, the little details are what builds up a story. Trust me I tend to forget them, and come back to find adding them makes for a much more interesting story.
~DarkFairy~
Posted: Aug 19, 2008
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