How could he do this to me? He was my mentor. He was one of my best friends. He understood me better then any one else. Oh my god. Does that mean that I’m gay as well? I Guess I should start from the beginning.
Me and another 4 year old are playing in a sand box. We are the best of friends only a few months separate us in age. The two of us were always getting into some kind of trouble. As time goes on and we grow up, if you want to call it that. I say we are still crazy kids in old guys bodies. But somewhere along the way we each had kids of are own. Sometimes we had fights. Holy shit did we have fights. A few times when we were teenagers, I’m pretty sure that our parents were thinking that we were going to kill each other.
Even though we moved about 60 minutes away from each other when I was little we still kept in touch. Then when I was able to drive, I spent the majority of my free time down there in my old neighbourhood hanging out with him. Being cool, listening to music, going through girlfriends, drinking obsessively and abusively. One of my treks down to his house, found me opening his bedroom door to him having sex with his latest girl friend. They would have probably welcomed me in to contribute. But quite honestly, I couldn’t stand the bitch. So quietly I closed the door. Walking back down the hall his older brother sees me going past his door.
“Hey Derick” He says.
“What’s up Isic.”
“Come and listen to this tune real quick.”
“Ok Where’s Jackie?” I ask as I sit down on his bed and take in the surroundings of his room. Black wall paper, every punk band poster you could imagine on his walls, action figures everywhere. And red carpet that really accentuated the room, and for me to take notice of such a thing at that “party going stage” of my life, my early twenties. Was, well, not something normal.
“We broke up again… That whore.”
“Yeah, what a bitch… How long do you think it will be this time?”
Isic who was 4 years older then me and was one cool mother fucker.
“Dude she’ll be back when she’s back.”
Iron Maiden starts playing and he goes silent almost in a trance.
“Hey what band is this?” I ask.
“It’s Iron Maiden, Rhyme of the ancient mariner. Now shush.”
The song starts out kind of heavy. And the lyrics are going way to fast. He hands me the album cover with the lyrics to the song written down on it. Four minutes, about halve way through and my eyes can not come off of the words. The pauses between singing and what sounds like an entire symphony playing heavy metal is just captivating. Plus the words had such deep meaning in them that I can’t even begin to explain.
“You feel that dude?” He says with a smile and satisfaction that someone else really feels the music.
When the song is over I come down from these clouds. And I immediately want to go back up.
“Again.” Is all I can say.
“Man this next one will blow your mind if you let it. It’s called Heaven can wait.”. About halve way through that song I started to fell tingling in my hair. He could see in my eyes that I was enthralled by this music. Sending me home with the album that, that song was on. I couldn’t stop listening to all the songs on that cd.
The next few months of my life were devoted to listening to every Iron Maiden song that I could get my hands on. Reading the lyrics, they were actually talking to me. My visits down there were to see Isic. And listen to the music and discuss all sorts of things: To name a few, writing, to movies, to collecting action figures, and from god to religion. Coming to the conclusion that there was a strong difference between the last two, god and religion. With these new open eyes the world looked so much newer. I could actually take flight along with a bird or hear the voices of the river just as in the novel called Siddharthra. Which he also introduced me to. I could do all of this with out my normal crouches, be that alcohol or drugs. And after a while I didn’t even need music to help me. But I still loved listening, and getting lost in a song. My entire out look on life had changed. Those were some of the best years of my life.
Then the voices got to be too much so I told them to go away. Can you imagine having that much power and then suddenly nothing. The drinking started again, sex with anyone who had a vagina, motor cycles, drugs (lots and lots of drugs.) I wanted my voices back, but no matter how many extreme things that I did I couldn’t get them back again. I started contemplating suicide. But before I could do anything a tiny little voice said not yet. Somehow I knew that I didn’t need to do these crazy things anymore. To just start reading again and listen to music. And stop using drugs and alcohol to clear my mind, because they seemed to be in control. Instead of me using them they were using me.
(Oh shit, dude I’m fucking gay.) Is the thought that I had a while later, ((think about it man you like reading, you’re in touch with your feelings, you love listening to music, your more of a giver than a taker in the bedroom. Does anyone else do as much thinking as you do about things except a woman?)) says my inner voice. (I don’t want to be gay.) ((I’m just fucking with ya. Do you like pussy?)) (Yeah.) ((Do you want a dick in your butt?)) Almost laughing at my self (No.) ((Well last time I checked that was a pretty big requirement for being gay.)) (But is it normal to have these kind of in-depth conversations with ones self?) ((You are messed up but your not gay.)) Still a bit worried I dive deeper into that abyss which is my self. Looking for signs, for anything that could be a tip off that I may be playing for the other team. (Well I did kiss that guy once.) ((Yeah but you were drunk)) So wanting to figure out what category I fall into, because on the talk shows everybody has a title. Could it be bi-sexual? Straight with a hint of gay? I think my voices are right, I’m just fucked up.