My memories are vague, I can’t remember how you look like

I can’t continue feeling this uncomfortable

They used to be friends, once upon a time. But that was so long ago they had forgotten. After all, they had been a couple just as long as they had been friends. Childish infatuation had driven them to believe that they had ‘loved’ each other and at the start it actually might have been love. Such a silly thing love is, it can make you do crazy things to be with the person you hold to your heart or it can make you go green with jealousy.

After a while it never seemed to work out. She was too busy with her high paying job and he seemed to drink too much for her liking. It had been only a few years and for him, what was once love was now something else… something darker.

In his apartment, her face was plastered all over his walls. Ones of her as a child in old Polaroid’s lined the wall like a strange runner, the more recent ones covered the walls like paint. He’d spend hours neatly and patiently cutting out her pictures before gently pasting them onto the wall. At times, when he missed her the most, he’d lightly kiss a picture of her, caressing her glossy face with his callused fingers.

In his mind, he wasn’t sick. Only love sick for the woman who hadn’t thought of him in over five years. Of course she had to have moved on by then, found herself someone better at everything he wasn’t. Then he would grow angry and tear up the pictures he was cutting out. Drinking was his only way out. He had nothing else.

So the day he found a news clipping saying that she’d be in town for a small, flashy diner party. And he knew it was his only chance to see her again for real. To hear her voice. To feel her.

He was still good looking for being only twenty-seven. The drinking had only ruined his personality and liver, not his muscular body or face. Women would still steal glances of him on the street and girls would blush when they saw him walk near their bus stop.

His eyes were too narrowed, too dark. And his hair seemed almost yellow in the light, always worn short and spiked. He wasn’t as young as he wanted to be, but he still made his hair look like it did when he was a senior in high school. He’d kept it that way ever since she complemented him on it all those years ago. He walked with his hands in his pockets; wearing the angry look that never left his face. She had known he wasn’t a person to fear and she loved the side of him that only she could see. If she could see him now…

I yearn for alcohol, something I usually have hard drinking.

 Drunk on anxiety, as the dawn drizzle pours down I stagger through the street

 I start to quarrel and my mouth that once used to whisper so many kind words has been tainted by a profanity.

It took hours. He had haunted her down and found the hotel she was staying at and got a room on the same floor. It wasn’t too far away, only an hour. No one there would know him and no one would say a thing about him near her. She didn’t need to know about his drinking problem. She didn’t need to know about the pictures that stained his room or how at times he would never leave his apartment. All he wanted was for her to blindly love him again. Even if it meant forcing her to love him.

Smoothing out the creases in his tux, he left his room just in time to watch her walk by. She wasn’t alone; she never really was even when they were in school. She had so many friends because of her kindness, it was just another thing her loved about her. The smile on her red lips was overpowering and he could do nothing but stare at her as she sauntered pass.

The emerald dress matched her eyes, the one’s that reminded him of a cat. It fit her body perfectly, hugging every curve just right. The side was split up to her thigh, flashing her creamy white skin. Three strips of gold cloth held it together so it didn’t show too much. It was strapless and showed more skin then he had even seen on her. Of course, when they were teenagers they had slept together but it was always dark. Out in public she was modest but this was the most skin she had worn out in public.

As she walked pass with another young woman, their heels clicking on the black and white tiled floor, he was sure she wouldn’t give him a second glance. She was something now, most likely dating a rich son to a company manager. And who was he? Just some guy she’d never remember. He knew she wouldn’t recognize him and at first he wasn’t entirely sure it was her who was walking down the hall. She had grown and changed so much; even more beautiful than he had last seen her. The pictures faded in the light of the real thing.

To his surprise she glanced over her shoulder, her eyes flashing in the light. Biting her lip, she winked at him before disappearing around the corner.

The breath caught in his lungs by the look in her eye. It looked like she actually recognized him. Did she? He stood there for a moment, trying to remember the simple steps to breathing before slowly following her down the stairs.

I’m waiting for you

 I know my love

 Don’t call it obsession, you don’t know love

 Don’t say I’ve gone crazy

He caught her in the parlor of the hotel. Her friend was at the front desk asking about a taxi and there she was, under the glistening light of the chandelier. He traced her silhouette with lust filled eyes. Since her raven colored hair was up in an elegant bun, he could see her slim neck clearly and even the tattoo she had gotten there. It was small, looking like small scribbles in the distance, but he knew it was the Japanese characters for love and hope. He had a picture of it above his bed and read the article all about it.

She was busy fiddling with her hand clutch, looking around in it for something which seemed impossible because of the small space. Pulling out what seemed like a small photo album, she flipped it open and stared wide eyed at a picture before hurriedly putting it away when her friend came back. Then to his amazement, she gave her friend a nervous smile then glanced back at him, nodding slightly.

They walked briskly out of the hotel, like she was trying to run away from him. Her companion hardly seemed to notice but he did and it made his stomach churn. He grew angry and he hated it. If she recognized him, why didn’t she stop and say hello? He loved her; she had to have known that! Why was she glancing back and ushering her friend into the taxi faster? His hands clenched into fists so tight his knuckles were white.

“Nana!” he called, the door to the hotel swinging shut behind him.

She looked up at him but it wasn’t fear in her eyes, only surprise. Pulling her leg back out of the taxi, she told her friend to go ahead without her before slamming the door shut. Gripping her clutch, she watched the car drive off and spin around the bend before turning to him again.

“Leave me alone.” She snapped, pulling out her phone to call another taxi.

Pushing himself away from the door, he pounded down the steps and grabbed her wrist. With a clatter the phone fell from her hands and smashed on the floor. He tried to kiss her but she struggled, slapping him.

“Don’t!” he screamed, grabbing both her wrists tightly and holding them still. “Don’t.”

Nana’s breathing grew heavy, a panicked look etched onto her face. Leaning down he kissed her forcefully. It was rough and sloppy. Hot tears pricked the backs of her eyes as she pinched her lips tight and refused to open them just for him. After a moment or two, he grew even more frustrated. Shaking her slightly, he smirked when she squealed and tried to shield her face from his.

“I’ve thought about you every day since you left.” He said in a rough, husky tone. “I’ve waited for you and I know you still love me like I love you.”

“You’re crazy, Jin!” she hissed, trying to pry herself away from him. “You need help!”

“No!” he shouted, wrestling with her. “No, I don’t! I know you still love me!”

“Jin, let go! You’re hurting me!” she cried, her legs going weak.

Howling, he threw her to the floor. Sniffling, she scrabbled to reach her clutch but gave up after a moment. Looking up at him through her dark lashes, it was her turn to smirk. Standing above her, he saw it clearly and it made his heart speed up. Then in a flash she was gone; running down the street without a single glance over her shoulder.

He had failed to notice that when she was trying to reach for her clutch, she was really taking off her shoes. She was clever, he loved it. What he loved more was the chase, it was better than foreplay.

She flew down the street. Her hair, which had come undone from its bun, twisted behind her like a cloud of black smoke. People gave them funny looks as she sped pass with him trailing behind. To them, it appeared like a couple that had gotten into a fight and the boy was desperately trying to get her back.

It had a grain of truth to it. But it wasn’t the truth.

When the street became clear and empty he caught up to her, dragging her into a dark alley. She let out a scream his hand muffling it halfway through. Kicking out, he pulled her back with his voice softly echoing in the darkness. She began to cry out of fear.

Smashing her small body against the wall he kissed her roughly again. Numb and frightened she let him do whatever he wanted. Nana watched in horror as he pulled a gun from his waistline. Sobbing harder, he only shushed her and pressed the barrel to her chest.

“I’ve missed you, Nana.” He cooed; pecking her lips over and over, tears sliding down his own cheeks. “I think I am crazy and you made me this way. Why did you leave me? What did I do wrong?”

“P-please,” she begged, her chest heaving with every sob. “Jin, please, don’t do this, I-”

“Answer me!” he wept, cocking the gun.

A yelp of fear left her lips before they were covered by his again. This time she allowed herself to kiss him back, numbly following his movements.

“You were suffocating me.” She mumbled as his lips trailed down her jaw to her throat. “I had to get out, I just had to. I needed a better life.”

“Wasn’t I enough?” he growled, lightly biting her neck.

She whimpered. “You were! I just… Jin, please, I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t for our-”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, pulling away from her.

Her green eyes widened. “Jin, please, we have a-”

Bang!

With tears streaming down his cheeks, he watched the bullet pierced her heart causing her eyes to widen in a mixture of shock and pain. Then they fluttered before closing forever. Her limp body fell into his arms and tenderly he rested her on the cold concrete, her own dark blood pooling on the floor around her. Kneeling beside her he pressed the barrel of the gun to the base of his throat, closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.

Bang!

And he never knew that he had a daughter.

I really, really hate myself for being like this

I know that I will lose you if I am being like this

I'm being crazy because of you I am getting crazy again

This night won't pass at all