You said you wanted a letter

You said you wanted a letter, so here it goes:

You mentioned that you had an hour’s worth of things to say. I don’t know how much time it would take me to say everything, but I’m going to try to say some of it in this letter. Which will be hard, because I know you won’t want to read it if it’s too long.

The other letter I was going to write, the one I said was mean and you said you didn’t want me to send, was going to be given to you to let you know how I felt. Well, I don’t know how I feel anymore. But what I do know is that I can’t hate you. I’ve tried, hoping that then maybe I could forget about you easier, but it didn’t work. I don’t hate you and I haven’t forgotten about you.

Oh, and even though you said that Katie just wanted you to be happy and therefore wanted us to get back together, she never did. I sent her an e-mail before you were dating (even though I now know that you were “doing stuff” with her) to try to figure things out so maybe we could get back together, and she didn’t message me back until a week after you started dating her, more than two weeks after I sent the first message to her.

The Friday before you broke up with me, I had sat up late thinking about how I didn’t want to lose you. That made me decide to just go to Homecoming with you without complaint and try my hardest to make things work with us. Then Sunday came along and you know the rest. If you had just waited a couple days, we might still be together. (And this was one of the meanest parts in the last letter.)

Oh, and there was something about how I didn’t understand why you kept going back to her even though she treats you badly, but I got dumped because I got tired of you accusing me of cheating (which I never would have done).

And now, well, as I’m writing this, you aren’t with her yet again. I suppose time will tell as to whether or not you two get back together. Because even though you say you won’t, I’ve heard you say that before. Like Christmas Break.

You said that I didn’t deserve something. I think you were talking about the break-up. That wasn’t fun, but it was afterwards that I really didn’t like. But the worst part of all this for me was Christmas Break, especially with what I found out later. The biggest thing I found out later is that you were messing around with her in your basement on New Year’s Eve. And hiding it from me.

But us talking all through break and then you texting me while you were supposed to be in class and then you going back to her. And you weren’t even going to tell me. That really hurt me. Because I thought then that maybe we could have made it work. But then you just went and dated her again.

I’m not writing this to hurt you, I’m writing this to try to do what you needed to do, which is tell you everything. You said that you wanted to fix it, but after that day, I decided that I didn’t really care if it got fixed. Because I felt too broken. And I couldn’t figure out how I could fix us when I couldn’t even fix myself, especially since you seemed to not want to.

I’m lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. Every once in a while, I feel like I have it all figured out and then I go home and see you again and get confused all over again. And sometimes when I see you, I just want to hug you tight and close my eyes and wish that it was months ago, before all this crap started. Back before I ever doubted that you truly loved me.

So, what do you want? Because I can’t figure it out and I want to know.

What do you want?