'Should I jump?' I think looking over the jagged rocks indecisive, the ocean thrashing about below. I can feel it's strength and fiery rumble through me and for a moment I admire this force of nature. It seemed to have more spirit than I. My eyes ached to cry but no tears came
'Why can't I cry?' she wondered
The water sounded like thunder as it's white caps continued to pound into the rocks.
'When will I figure this shit out? Do I care to? I'm so exhausted, surely this could be a quick way to go, no one knows I'm here. Maybe I could slip away unnoticed'
I take a small step closer to the edge.
'How can I cut through the pain?'
My hand instinctively holds my wrist rubbing them gently I admire the 3 inch scar that goes down my arm which was still visible through the current slits and scars. My skin was a battle field and my mind reflected the same.
'Something not so literal, perhaps busting my melon open will save the world a lot of problems, at least it would in my corner'
I manage to light a cigarette through all the wind and take a drag as I gaze at the day, breath in the day. The strong smell of salt the pungent scent of seaweed that thudding from the waves.
'It truly is the
perfect day to hide in, its a perfect day to die in, no more pain
from losing the one person I think I ever genuinely loved, no
more disappointing my family for not going to college, not
getting married, for leading a life they don't approve of. I
don't want children, I don't want expectations... I've lost my
faith, I lost my compassion, I've lost my sanity. The one thing I
find happiness in these days are a fresh pack of cigarettes and a
blade in my hand. I'm sick of it now, I'm done feeling so lost
and empty. I'm ill in every aspect of my life. Death, it would be
so quiet and peaceful..' I take one final drag from my cigarette
and flick it over the edge of the cliff and two steps forward but
before I'm able to take my flying leap I hear a whistle in
"Mighty fine distance from here to there." She glances up slightly to look at me giving a friendly smile then back down.
"Yea I suppose" I hope my quiet answer and unfriendly posture would scare her away.
"Can you imagine jumping?" She asks, I smirk at her question.
"..No." is all I manage.
She spreads her arms
out like a bird her long hair whipping behind her as does her
black trench coat, she seemed at peace.
"God, standing here like this I feel as though I could fly." I can see the wide smile on her face she looks at me eyes gray from the day.
"Try it." She encourages I stand there unsure and my only true desire is for her to leave.
"C'mon" she giggles closing her eyes leaning her head back embracing the wind. Who is this girl without a care in the world? Her whole being wreaked of serenity, I want that. I did as she asked positioning my feet on the dark uneven edge closed my eyes and spread my arms out. The wind burned my dry skin.
"Now open them." and I do, for a brief few seconds I'm flying a huge smile spreads across my chap lips. I look at her as she smiles back at me my humored moment passes and my lips fall to a straight line again. I look forward as the waves seem to call my name, yet again.
"Seriously though imagine jumping, I bet that would that be messy" She laughs
"I don't think so." I disagree
"Mm, I don't know it takes at least 10 minutes for the body to drown, unless you're lucky enough to bust your melon the right way.. but hell, this high up it wouldn't matter"
I smile at her use of 'melon' I bet her and I could have been friends.
"-I'm sure that the cold water will shorten it considerably."
"I don't believe it would be so bad."
"It's kind of funny to think, that's what life is like, you jump in not knowing what to expect only to be knocked around, drowned and suffocated. I guess that's why we have God to save us from ourselves and those big bad rocks that would really do us in."
"What are the big bad rocks then?"
"Those final decisions that we make on our own."
I light another cigarette my last one and cross my arms standing in silence with this unknown women. Taking a few drags I contemplate just jumping right in front of her.
"Hm.." That's great if I believed such things.
"Is that what you're here for?" She's so bold with her words.
I look over to her take another drag and then look out ahead of me again.
"Can I have some?" She asks casual, does she even care what my answer is? I hand her my cigarette and watch as she puffs on it a couple times. She scoffs and says
"Let me tell you girl, no man is worth cracking you cap for-"
I manage a polite smile
"Besides, wasn't it you who stopped loving him?" Her words cause a burning sensation in my chest, unsettling butterflies fluttered from the pit of my stomach back through my chest again.
"C'mon you know what I'm talking about, Jyran those adorb blondies you seem to always be so fond of?." She smirks taking a long drag. "No worries, I'm quite the blondie guy myself, with a set of crystal clear blue eyes to match..MmMm."
Her smirk continues with a giggle as she seems to be remember some details.
"-New Orleans accent, golden brown skin, body of a fuckin-"
"How do you know me?"
She simply laughs at my question, she seems to know something I don't.
"You've always known me, I'm just here to remind you not to give a fuck about what other people expect of you, not fulfilling their desires doesn't make you any less of a person or any less important."
I nod in agreement, she has a good point.
"And those parents of yours-" I roll my eyes at whatever it is she's about to say. "I know, I know, they're a real piece of work but they love you."
My face must have looked confused and caught off guard.. Who the hell is this woman? She doesn't stop she keeps going.
"You're not a disappointment, perhaps some bad calls were made in your life time." I find myself chuckling at that statement
"Yea, no shit." I mumble. She stares at me sternly.
"You are better than this, you are stronger than this." She seems to be begging now but I don't have much empathy, instead memories from my past come to mind, I've done so many bad things.. I want to cry but my eyes are dry from the wind.
"You think killing yourself is going to make things better?"
"I don't know stranger, you seem to know everything you tell me." My smirk continues I can tell I may be pissing her off, good.
She shakes her head in exasperation "Can't you see, I still want to live?"
I take a drag, shit, it's almost gone and I want another one.
"It'll only cause more problems for other people." Was this her last ditch effort?
"I guess I'm fucked either way then, huh?" I'm not listening to the voice of reason anymore, it's not reason it's nonsense. I shake my head and flick my cigarette over the edge again, wrap my trench coat tighter, so many wrong things but one.
"You're wrong, I never stopped loving Jyran. It's my fault of course, I fucked that up he stopped loving me."
I close my eyes feeling the wind toss my long hair to and fro spread my arms.
'At least now my spirit will be free as a bird.'
I take one final step.