I wish I was beautiful for you. I want to amaze you. I want to make you never want any other girl. I’d cry if you told me who I am is enough for you. It would make me the happiest girl alive. I wish I had a perfect body and you’d look at me and say
“ wow. I am so lucky.” But I know I am not that girl. I wish I didn’t embarrass you. I wish you still worried about me. I wish you never just left me. I wish I was unique so you’d see you could never get what I have from anyone else. I wish I could always say the right thing. I wish you trusted me. Some days… I wonder what I did wrong and why we are falling apart. This love keeps me alive. But I always wonder what you think when we can’t talk to each other. What happened to our perfect? What did I do? Was it something I said? I miss our cooing over each other, our sweet messages, those long calls where we’d talk about nothing and everything for no reason. You are everything I could ever want. And if you see the tears I cry while writing this I wonder what you would think of me. You may think I cry a lot… but you can’t feel the emotions behind every time I do. I have a lot of guy friends because they give me advice on how to be better for you and they can tell what you mean when you say something and they protect me when you can’t. I wish you could just understand. I can’t put enough words on this page to ever let you understand how much I love you. It’s impossible. And people ask me things like,
“ isn’t long distance like super difficult?” or
“ what if he cheats on you? You’d never know!”
But I just have to try and not think that way and stay trusting in you. But staying out of that mindset is so. Goddamn. Difficult. I hate to admit it, but I always think the worst. It just always seems to happen to me. Damn, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It doesn’t help anything. It just hurts so bad sometimes. And I wonder if you have ever felt like this too. But of course I would never know. Because some things people just need to keep a secret. No, I would never keep a secret from you. But letting you see me like this would take you away from me for good. I can’t ever let that happen. I could never live with myself after that. Leaving you the first time was probably the biggest mistake of my life. It was a seriously bone-head move. I was so lucky to get you back. I will never forget that. Moments like that remind me that there is a God. Even if It isn’t always looking out for me, It’s still there.
Danielle read over the journal page again and again. After about the 15th time tears burned in the back of her gray eyes and she tore the page from its bindings in fury. Mason had been gone for 3 weeks now but Dani hadn’t had the time to burn this little gem yet. It wasn’t that she missed him for she had long fallen for another even while they were still together but she was instead angry at herself for caring so much about what he thought. She’d written this the night he told her she needed to lose some weight.
What a dick she thought to herself feverishly. Mario had brought her so much more happiness than Mason ever had and she knew she deserved it. Her petite and weak figure and inability to say no made her a prime target for jerks who loved to take advantage of a girl. But she was stronger now and, fighting back tears of anger, she brought the match to the paper and watched with a devilish grin as the flames lapped up the paper hungrily. Dani finally let out a sigh of relief, the last weight of her final abusive relationship lifted from her shoulders. Only 2 men she’d ever been with had hit her but that was enough for Danielle. Mario would never lay a finger on her unless it were out of love and protection. Dani loved that about him. He’d been by her side from the first signs that there was something wrong with her relationship and was most often the one urging her to leave him. But ,as the worst boys do, Mason had a quick, overly-romantic line ready to back him up each and every time Danielle had raised question to their stability. And she listened every time. But now in this moment she felt release. And it felt so right.
Not soon after her sacrificing of her last relationship, Dani’s new man called.
I love that. He actually wants to go on dates with me! Mario asked simply if Dani would be available tonight and if so what time. Danielle smiled to herself then responded that she would be available at 4:30.
“ Great! I’ll be there then! Oh and before I forget! Wear a dress. Not ball gown but something more like junior-high-school-dance worthy. Love you!” Mario responded a hint of excitement lingering in his voice.
“ erm- okay then babe? Love you too! Bye!” *click* Danielle was thoroughly confused but she knew he’d have something good planned.