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Tags: Shh., Self-harm, Fashionzombie, Hurt, Dumped, Dating, Broke-up, Amy, Love, Knives, Blade, Blood, Bliss, Wall, Walls, Music, Life The, Behind, Me, Was, Cold, And, Uncomfortable, Against, My, Cotton, Shirt., Hard, Brick, Digging, Through, The, Emo, Scene, Wanna-be, Punk, Depression, Misunderstanding, Argh, Material, Into, Soft, Skin., It, Had, Been, Raining, Just, Over, An, Hour, Ago;, Water, All, But, Dripped, Onto, Ground, Leaving, Dampness. The, Welcome, To, Though;, Arms, Pressed, Grey-bricked, In, Attempt, Lower, Body, Temperature., Jumper, Tied, Loosely, Around, Waist, Falling, Tight, Jeans., Beneath, Converse, Soaked, Gleaming;, Tarmac, A, Grey-black, Colour., Black, Violet, Favourite, Mention, Lol, Romance, Broken Joston-high, Up-tight, School;, Best, Teachers, For, Students., School, Built, Of, Grey-brick, Grey, Tiles, With, Gates, Playground., Football, Pitch, Made, Synthetic, Grass, That, Allowed, More, Grip., Bushes, Were, Heavily, Trimmed, Away, From, Fences, Not, Single, Bit, Nature, Within, Boundaries., Quite, Large;, 3, 000, Students, Attended, 75, Teachers., There, Plenty, Teachers-in-training, Always, Ready, Assist;, No, One, Ever, Fell, Got, Less, Than, C., If, They, Did, Cloud, Shame, Would, Seem, Fall, On, Them;, Note, Home, Parents, Talk, Head, See, Worth, Them, Staying., Either, Get, Up, Or, Out. Especially, Now;, Exams., Everyone, Their, Heads, Down, Books;, No-one, Wanted, Fail, Leave., This, Last, Day, Exams;, Emotions, Running, High, Fights, Constantly, Broke, Out, Girls, Rumours, Spread., 2:25., Exams, Ended, Five, Minutes, Ago., Exam;, English., I, Warm, Stuffy, Classroom, Eternity., Reality, Release. I, Waiting, Here, Girlfriend;, Green, We, Almost, Year., She, Come, At, Start, Saying, Needed, Talk;, Looked, Anxious, Guilty., Didn’t, Bode, Well, Me. As, Cue, Gang, Giggling, Long-legged, Turned, Corner., Amy’s, Strawberry-blonde, Hair, Instantly, Recognisable, Among, Gold’s, Browns., Put-off., Friends, Past, Few, Years, Watching, Across, Playground, Giggling;, When, Out., A, Brunette, Took, Hand, Squeezed, It;, Smiling., Smiled, Back, Drifted, Shyly, Them., Group, Doubt, Pressing, Ears, Gloomy, Listen. Amy, Drew, Level, Biting, Her, Lip, Anxiously., Eyes, Large, Doe, Like, –, Stance, Uninviting., So, Unlike, Told, Off, Lawn. I, Move, Watched, As, Stood, There;, Must, Be, Feeling, Awkward., Opened, Mouth, Breath, Went, Say, Something, Then, Stopped., Narrowed, Slightly, Changed, Position, Facing, Openly. “what?”, Asked;, Word, Came, Lot, Harshly, Intended, Too;, Fact, Sounded, Better, Head. “i, Don’t, Think, Should, Go, Anymore”, Blurted, Blushed, Furious, Crimson, Raising, Delicate, Mouth., Froze, Up., Saw, Expression. “i...i...i, Feel, Your, Me., You, Angry, Easily...you...you...you, Act, Boyfriend;, Care, And...and, Should., Wish, Some, Other, Way, But...yeah”, Finished, Lamely, Giving, Somewhat, Mortified, Expression, Scrambled, Corner, Girls. Suddenly, Very, Cold. Slowly, Pushing, Myself, Undid, Shrugged, Pulled, Hood, Pushed, Down., Grasped, Sleeves, Fists, Started, Towards, Exit., There, Still, Ones, Who, Have, Celebrating, Grounds. They, Pay, Any, Attention, Quickly, Passed, Front, Gate, Streets. My, House, Wasn’t, Too, Far, Away;, Could, Make, Ten, Walked, Quickly;, Ran., Sky, Above, Cloudy;, Boring, Slate, Stuck, Over-head., Going, Rain, Again., Wouldn’t, Weird. Taking, Deep, Cutting, Trembled., Holding, Side-bag, Began, Run, Looping, Streets, Navigating, Identical, Houses, Gratified, Broken, Cars., Sometime, Between, Entering, House;, Rained., Hoody, Wet, Everything, Else, Wearing., Shut, Door, Straight, Floor., Hands. I, Idiot;, Imbecile, Truly, Believe, Girl, Want, Stay, Thought, Found, Understood, Condition;, Unstable, Emotions., Good, Me;, Beauty, Beast., Such, Cliché, Comparison;, True, One., Sweet, Sour., Banged, Brown-crème, Plaster, Bang, Seeming, Radiate, Waves, Head., “you, Boy?” , Feet, Gravelly, Voice., He, Couldn’t, Home., 7;, Anywhere, Near, 7. He, Here. “i, Said, Are, Boy?”, Voice, Again, Shrink, Wall;, Him, Here... “yes”, Answered, Mustering, Reserved, Energy, Sprinted, Narrow, Bloody, Staircase, Room., Slammed, Leaned, Against;, Drawing, Breaths., I, Waited, Moments;, Heart, Beating, Drum., Footsteps, Thumping., Following, Yet. I, Relaxed, Doors, Wooden, Surface;, Dull, Coloured, Bed, Small, Table, Piled, Books, Pots, Ancient, Guitar, Propped, Dresser., Posters, Littered, Walls;, Over-lapping, Each, Different, Faces, Names, Places., Paying, Magazines, Scattering, Floor, Knees, Brought, Box, Under, Bed., Cardboard, Box;, Garden., Top, Sighed, Relief., There., The, Blades, Glimmered, Light, Carefully, Closed, Gently, Fit, Perfectly, Sat, While, Observing, It. Amy, Flooding, Back. Of, Course, Enough, Her;, Deserved, Someone, Better., Obvious, Smack, Face;, Luckiest, Guy, World, Taken, Granted., Yelled, Her., Crawling, Shame-faced, Embarrassed., Forgive, Frightened, Wouldn’t. Well;, Thing, Worry, About, Anymore, Bitterly. I, Glanced, Lonely, Pot, Pills, Balancing, Side, Edge, By, Books., Maybe, Stop, Need, Cut., Myself;, Take, Pill, Calm, Be...easy. Rebellion, Surged, Inside, Why, I?, Easy?, Nothing, Was;, Fight, Always?, Fighter;, Taking, Easy, In. I, Tugged, Sleeve, Arm;, Blue, Stitches, Criss-crossed, Wrist, Tugging, Skin, Together, Cotton., Silver, Lines, Clustered, Together-, Fighting, Space, Paper-white, Disgusting, Look, At;, It’s, Much, Worse. I, Threw, Air, Caught, Cut, Rough, Contact., Sharp;, Was., Choosing, Place, Carefully;, Arm, Somewhere, Uncut, Vulnerable, Rested, Pulse, Push, Wrists, Staining, White, T-shirt., Already, Smell, Salty, Substance, Liquid, Taste, Coppery, Delight., Slid, Until, Upon, Upper, Arm., Perfect. I, Held, Anticipation. 3, 2, 1... Bliss


I couldn't even put this into poetry. Dedicated to Amy; who broke up with me 5/6/10


Submitted:Jun 11, 2010    Reads: 230    Comments: 25    Likes: 9   


Shh.
THEwall behind me was cold and uncomfortable against my cotton shirt. Cold, hard brick digging through the material and into my soft skin. It had been raining just over an hour ago; the water had all but dripped onto the ground, leaving the wall an uncomfortable dampness.
The cold was welcome to me though; my arms pressed against the grey-bricked wall in an attempt to lower my body temperature. My jumper was tied loosely around my waist, the arms falling over tight jeans. The ground beneath my converse was soaked and gleaming; the tarmac a grey-black colour.
Joston-High was an up-tight school; all the best teachers for all the best students. The school was built of grey-brick and grey tiles, with black gates and black tarmac playground. A football pitch was made of synthetic grass that allowed more grip. All bushes were heavily trimmed away from the fences, not a single bit of nature was within in the school boundaries. The school was quite large; 3,000 students attended it, and around 75 teachers. There were plenty of teachers-in-training always ready to assist; no one ever fell behind, no one ever got less than a C. If they did a cloud of shame would seem to fall on them; a note home to parents, a talk with the head to see if it was worth them staying. It was either get up or get out.
Especially now; it was exams. Everyone had their heads down in books; no-one wanted to fail, no-one wanted to leave. This was the last day of exams; emotions were running high, fights constantly broke out, girls fell out, rumours were spread. It was 2:25. Exams had ended five minutes ago. My last exam; English. I had been in that warm stuffy classroom for an eternity. The cold reality was a welcome release.
I was waiting here for my girlfriend; Amy Green, we had been dating for almost a year. She had come to me at the start of the day saying we needed to talk; she had looked anxious and guilty. That didn't bode well for me.
As if on cue a gang giggling long-legged girls turned the corner. Amy's strawberry-blonde hair was instantly recognisable among the gold's and browns. I was instantly put-off. Amy's friends were the girls that for the past few years had been watching me from across the playground and giggling; when Amy got with me they fell out.
A brunette took Amy's hand and squeezed it; smiling. Amy smiled back and drifted shyly away from them. The group turned back around the corner. I had no doubt they were waiting for Amy though; and pressing their ears to the gloomy grey-brick wall to listen.
Amy drew level with me, biting her lip anxiously. Her eyes were large and doe like - her stance uninviting. She was so unlike the Amy that told me to get the fuck off her lawn.
I didn't move just watched her as she stood there; she must be feeling awkward. She opened her mouth and took in a breath - went to say something - then stopped. I narrowed my eyes slightly and changed my position so that I was facing her openly.
"What?" I asked; the word came out a lot more harshly than I intended too; in fact it sounded a lot better in my head.
"I don't think we should go out anymore" she blurted out, then blushed a furious crimson, raising her delicate hand to her mouth. I froze up. She saw my expression.
"I...I...I just don't feel your there for me. You get angry to easily...you...you...you just don't act like a boyfriend; you don't care, and...and I think you should. I wish there was some other way but...Yeah" She finished lamely, then giving me a somewhat mortified expression she scrambled away and around the corner to the girls.
Suddenly I was very, very cold.
Slowly pushing myself off from the wall I undid my jumper and shrugged into it, I pulled my hood up and pushed the arms down. I grasped the sleeves in my fists and with my head down started towards the school exit.
There were still a few students in the school; the ones who didn't have their exams, the ones who were waiting for their friends and the ones who were celebrating in the school grounds.
They didn't pay me any attention as I quickly passed through the front gate and away into the streets.
My house wasn't too far away; I could make it there in ten minutes if I walked quickly; five if I ran. The sky above me was grey and cloudy; a boring slate stuck over-head. It looked like it was going to rain again. Running wouldn't be so weird.
Taking in a deep breath then quickly cutting it off as my mouth trembled. Holding my side-bag I began to run down the looping streets, navigating my way through the identical houses, gratified walls and broken cars.
Sometime between me leaving the school and me entering my house; it had rained. My hoody was wet and so was everything else I was wearing. I shut the door and fell straight to the floor. Head in hands.
I was an idiot; an imbecile to truly believe that a girl like that would want to stay with me. To think I had thought I had found a girl that understood my condition; my unstable emotions. She was too good for me; she was the beauty and I was the beast. Such a cliché comparison; such a true one. She was everything sweet and I was everything sour. I banged my head against the brown-crème plaster walls, the bang seeming to radiate in waves through my head.
"You home boy?"
I scrambled to my feet at the gravelly voice. He couldn't be home. It wasn't 7; it wasn't anywhere near 7.
He couldn't be here.
"I said are you fucking here boy?" came the gravelly voice again, I wanted to shrink against the wall; it was him, not here...
"Yes" I answered him then mustering my last reserved of energy I sprinted up the narrow bloody staircase and into my room. I slammed the door and leaned against; drawing in some breaths.
I waited a few moments; my heart was beating like a drum. No footsteps, no thumping. He wasn't following me; yet.
I relaxed slightly against the doors wooden surface; then looked around my room. A dull coloured bed, a small table piled with books and pots, an ancient guitar propped against the bed and a wooden dresser. Posters littered the walls; over-lapping each other, different faces, different names, different places.
Paying no attention the magazines scattering the floor I fell to my knees and brought a box out from under my bed. It was a small cardboard box; something I had found in my garden. I opened the top and sighed with relief. It was all there.
The blades glimmered in the dull grey light of my room. I carefully took my favourite out and closed the box; gently pushing it back under my bed. The blade fit perfectly in my hand and I sat, back pressed against the bed, while observing it.
Amy came flooding back.
Of course I wasn't good enough for her; of course she deserved someone better. It was so obvious it was like a smack to the face; I had been the luckiest guy in the world to be dating her and I taken it for granted. I had yelled at her. Then I would always come crawling back shame-faced and embarrassed. She would always forgive me; I was frightened one day she wouldn't.
Well; that was one thing I didn't have to worry about anymore, I thought bitterly.
I glanced at the lonely pot of pills on the table, just balancing on the side, pushed to the edge by the books. Maybe I should stop this all now; I didn't need to cut. I didn't need to hurt myself; I could take a pill and calm myself down. It would be...easy.
Rebellion instantly surged up inside me. Why should I? Why should it be easy? Nothing else was; why didn't I fight it through like always? I was a fighter; and taking pills was the easy way out. Cutting was the hard way in.
I tugged my sleeve up and looked at my arm; blue stitches criss-crossed my wrist, tugging the skin together like cotton. Silver lines clustered together- fighting for space against my paper-white skin. They were disgusting to look at; it's not like they could get much worse.
I threw the blade in the air and caught it; it cut against my skin with the rough contact. It was sharp; it always was. Choosing a place carefully; far up my arm, somewhere uncut and vulnerable, I rested the blade against my skin. It was warm, I could feel my pulse beneath it, waiting to push blood out from my arms and down my wrists, staining the white school t-shirt. I could already smell the salty substance, feel the warm liquid, taste the coppery delight. I slid the blade across my skin until it fell upon the inside of my upper arm. Perfect.
I held my breath in anticipation.
3, 2, 1...
Bliss
.
.
.
.
******
I don't write stories usually; but I had a go. Thanks to: HelloKittyFucksTheMainstream, Despite hating me without her this story would be worse than it is; So thanks.
Don't be too mean?




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