behind me was cold and uncomfortable against my cotton shirt.
Cold, hard brick digging through the material and into my soft
skin. It had been raining just over an hour ago; the water had
all but dripped onto the ground, leaving the wall an
The cold was welcome to me though; my arms pressed against the
grey-bricked wall in an attempt to lower my body temperature. My
jumper was tied loosely around my waist, the arms falling over
tight jeans. The ground beneath my converse was soaked and
gleaming; the tarmac a grey-black colour.
Joston-High was an up-tight school; all the best teachers for all
the best students. The school was built of grey-brick and grey
tiles, with black gates and black tarmac playground. A football
pitch was made of synthetic grass that allowed more grip. All
bushes were heavily trimmed away from the fences, not a single
bit of nature was within in the school boundaries. The school was
quite large; 3,000 students attended it, and around 75 teachers.
There were plenty of teachers-in-training always ready to assist;
no one ever fell behind, no one ever got less than a C. If they
did a cloud of shame would seem to fall on them; a note home to
parents, a talk with the head to see if it was worth them
staying. It was either get up or get out.
Especially now; it was exams. Everyone had their heads down in
books; no-one wanted to fail, no-one wanted to leave. This was
the last day of exams; emotions were running high, fights
constantly broke out, girls fell out, rumours were spread. It was
2:25. Exams had ended five minutes ago. My last exam; English. I
had been in that warm stuffy classroom for an eternity. The cold
reality was a welcome release.
I was waiting here for my girlfriend; Amy Green, we had been
dating for almost a year. She had come to me at the start of the
day saying we needed to talk; she had looked anxious and guilty.
That didn't bode well for me.
As if on cue a gang giggling long-legged girls turned the corner.
Amy's strawberry-blonde hair was instantly recognisable among the
gold's and browns. I was instantly put-off. Amy's friends were
the girls that for the past few years had been watching me from
across the playground and giggling; when Amy got with me they
A brunette took Amy's hand and squeezed it; smiling. Amy smiled
back and drifted shyly away from them. The group turned back
around the corner. I had no doubt they were waiting for Amy
though; and pressing their ears to the gloomy grey-brick wall to
Amy drew level with me, biting her lip anxiously. Her eyes were
large and doe like - her stance uninviting. She was so unlike the
Amy that told me to get the fuck off her lawn.
I didn't move just watched her as she stood there; she must be
feeling awkward. She opened her mouth and took in a breath - went
to say something - then stopped. I narrowed my eyes slightly and
changed my position so that I was facing her openly.
"What?" I asked; the word came out a lot more harshly than I
intended too; in fact it sounded a lot better in my head.
"I don't think we should go out anymore" she blurted out, then
blushed a furious crimson, raising her delicate hand to her
mouth. I froze up. She saw my expression.
"I...I...I just don't feel your there for me. You get angry to
easily...you...you...you just don't act like a boyfriend; you
don't care, and...and I think you should. I wish there was some
other way but...Yeah" She finished lamely, then giving me a
somewhat mortified expression she scrambled away and around the
corner to the girls.
Suddenly I was very, very cold.
Slowly pushing myself off from the wall I undid my jumper and
shrugged into it, I pulled my hood up and pushed the arms down. I
grasped the sleeves in my fists and with my head down started
towards the school exit.
There were still a few students in the school; the ones who
didn't have their exams, the ones who were waiting for their
friends and the ones who were celebrating in the school
They didn't pay me any attention as I quickly passed through the
front gate and away into the streets.
My house wasn't too far away; I could make it there in ten
minutes if I walked quickly; five if I ran. The sky above me was
grey and cloudy; a boring slate stuck over-head. It looked like
it was going to rain again. Running wouldn't be so weird.
Taking in a deep breath then quickly cutting it off as my mouth
trembled. Holding my side-bag I began to run down the looping
streets, navigating my way through the identical houses,
gratified walls and broken cars.
Sometime between me leaving the school and me entering my house;
it had rained. My hoody was wet and so was everything else I was
wearing. I shut the door and fell straight to the floor. Head in
I was an idiot; an imbecile to truly believe that a girl like
that would want to stay with me. To think I had thought I had
found a girl that understood my condition; my unstable emotions.
She was too good for me; she was the beauty and I was the beast.
Such a cliché comparison; such a true one. She was everything
sweet and I was everything sour. I banged my head against the
brown-crème plaster walls, the bang seeming to radiate in waves
through my head.
"You home boy?"
I scrambled to my feet at the gravelly voice. He couldn't be
home. It wasn't 7; it wasn't anywhere near 7.
He couldn't be here.
"I said are you fucking here boy?" came the gravelly voice again,
I wanted to shrink against the wall; it was him, not
"Yes" I answered him then mustering my last reserved of energy I
sprinted up the narrow bloody staircase and into my room. I
slammed the door and leaned against; drawing in some
I waited a few moments; my heart was beating like a drum. No
footsteps, no thumping. He wasn't following me; yet.
I relaxed slightly against the doors wooden surface; then looked
around my room. A dull coloured bed, a small table piled with
books and pots, an ancient guitar propped against the bed and a
wooden dresser. Posters littered the walls; over-lapping each
other, different faces, different names, different places.
Paying no attention the magazines scattering the floor I fell to
my knees and brought a box out from under my bed. It was a small
cardboard box; something I had found in my garden. I opened the
top and sighed with relief. It was all there.
The blades glimmered in the dull grey light of my room. I
carefully took my favourite out and closed the box; gently
pushing it back under my bed. The blade fit perfectly in my hand
and I sat, back pressed against the bed, while observing
Amy came flooding back.
Of course I wasn't good enough for her; of course she deserved
someone better. It was so obvious it was like a smack to the
face; I had been the luckiest guy in the world to be dating her
and I taken it for granted. I had yelled at her. Then I would
always come crawling back shame-faced and embarrassed. She would
always forgive me; I was frightened one day she wouldn't.
Well; that was one thing I didn't have to worry about anymore, I
I glanced at the lonely pot of pills on the table, just balancing
on the side, pushed to the edge by the books. Maybe I should stop
this all now; I didn't need to cut. I didn't need to hurt myself;
I could take a pill and calm myself down. It would
Rebellion instantly surged up inside me. Why should I? Why should
it be easy? Nothing else was; why didn't I fight it through like
always? I was a fighter; and taking pills was the easy way out.
Cutting was the hard way in.
I tugged my sleeve up and looked at my arm; blue stitches
criss-crossed my wrist, tugging the skin together like cotton.
Silver lines clustered together- fighting for space against my
paper-white skin. They were disgusting to look at; it's not like
they could get much worse.
I threw the blade in the air and caught it; it cut against my
skin with the rough contact. It was sharp; it always was.
Choosing a place carefully; far up my arm, somewhere uncut and
vulnerable, I rested the blade against my skin. It was warm, I
could feel my pulse beneath it, waiting to push blood out from my
arms and down my wrists, staining the white school t-shirt. I
could already smell the salty substance, feel the warm liquid,
taste the coppery delight. I slid the blade across my skin until
it fell upon the inside of my upper arm. Perfect.
I held my breath in anticipation.
3, 2, 1...
I don't write stories usually; but I had a go. Thanks to:
HelloKittyFucksTheMainstream, Despite hating me without her this
story would be worse than it is; So thanks.
Don't be too mean?