She had been looking forward to this moment for a year now because all of her friends had lost their virginity and were pressuring Alice into doing it as well. Alice had been with her boyfriend Sean since they were in year 8 and she thought he was the one she was going to spend the rest of her life with. They were in college now and she thought it was about time her and Sean go all the way, they had done just about everything else except for sex and she was ready. Alice was heading to her fourth period English class when she ran into Sean, he was holding hands with another girl, he quickly let go of Hannah's hand and told her he would meet up with her in class. After Hannah was gone and the corridor was empty Sean tried to explain that nothing was going on with him and Hannah but Alice could see in his eyes that things had changed between them, she asked how long it had been going on for but Sean kept denying that anything was going on, Alice broke down into tears and asked him again how long had it been going on for and Sean told her the truth this time, he had starting seeing Hannah while Alice was on a holiday in France with her family six months ago. Alice didn't know what to say, she had been with Sean for almost three years now and he broke her heart in less than a minute. Alice looked at Sean with disgust, told him that she never wanted to see or speak to him ever again, slapped him in the face so hard she left a bright red hand print on his left cheek and walked away leaving Sean in the middle of an empty corridor knowing that he just lost the one person that cared the most for him. Alice went to the bathroom to calm herself down, once she had stopped crying she fixed her makeup and went to class. Alice was glad she had English because her best friend Mona was in that class and Mona always knew how to make her smile even if she did just get her heart ripped out of her chest and stomped on.
After class Mona and Alice decided to skip their last two classes and go shopping instead because there is no therapy like retail therapy. After hearing about Alice and Sean's break up Mona thought it would be a great idea if Alice came to a party that Mona's cousin was having at their house, Alice wasn't so sure she wanted to go but Mona put up a good fight and in the end Alice was going and that was final. The party was tomorrow night so Alice had to get something new to wear because Mona wanted her to look her best for everyone at the party to show that breaking up with Sean has not made a difference to her life. They went into every single shop at the mall and tried on every dress and miniskirt available until they found the perfect outfit, which was a black studded miniskirt, a white lace bodysuit and the cutest pair of black ankle boots Alice had ever seen. She was excited for tomorrow night although she was worried that she would look too slutty for the party Mona kept reassuring her that she would look super hot and everyone who was anyone would want her.
Alice spent the whole day getting ready for the party, she wanted to look her best and put Sean as far away out of her mind as she possibly could. She got up a 9 o'clock sharp to start getting ready, first she went and had a quick shower to freshen up and on her way out the door she had a banana for breakfast. She was on her way to get a massage because that's exactly what she needed to relax and forget about Sean, after an hour long massage Alice went to meet up with Mona so they could get a mani-pedi together; Alice got the classic French tips on her toes and fingers while Mona got black. They had a light lunch at a little hole in the wall cafe in the city before heading to Mona's house to finish getting ready for the party. The girls were almost done getting ready, they had finished doing their hair and makeup and just had to put clothes on so they decided it was time to start pre-drinks. After five shots and two tequila flavoured beers each Monas brother called to tell them that if they were leaving and if they wanted a lift they should hurry because they were about to leave. On the way to the party Alice had to sit in the back with Monas brothers friend Tyler, he was pretty cute and he was giving Alice a weird vibe.
She didn't know what she was doing, this was her first time and he said he would stop if she wasn't feeling comfortable. He lied. Tyler was a random guy she had met only two hours earlier when Alice was sad about her break up with Sean, but with Tyler comforting her with tequila shots she was starting feel a lot better. Tyler told her they should go upstairs so that they could be somewhere more private, Alice wanting Sean to hurt as much has she had been agreed and went upstairs. Alice stood at the end of the bed undressing while Tyler locked the door. As she stood there half naked Tyler started kissing her, Alice was enjoying the attention although she was afraid he might make fun of her for being a virgin. She wanted him to go slow and he said he would. Tyler took off his shirt as they made their way onto the bed, Alice tried to relax as he took off her bra and panties but she couldn't, she wanted him to stop but he wouldn't. Alice tried screaming for someone to help her but no one could hear her over the music. The pain was excruciating but there wasn't anything she could do, he was bigger and stronger then she was and he had the power to do whatever he wanted to her. She tried fighting him off but he just kept grunting and thrusting inside of her, she felt numb. She tried to picture Sean to make what was happening better but it just wasn't working, he was dripping with sweat and he smelt of stale cigarettes. Just as Alice thought it couldn't get better, Tyler let out one last moan and thrust one last time, it was over. He climbed off of her, slapped her on the thigh and said "Thanks for that" as he started getting dressed, Alice didn't know what to do or who to call she just gathered her things, went into the en suite bathroom and locked the door behind her. She sat on the floor leaning against the door and began to cry; she looked down and saw that her thighs were covered in blood, she had a painful throbbing in between her legs and she was scared. After Alice had cried all she could she got up, her legs shaking beneath her and washed the blood off as best she could. Alice got dressed and stood at the door listening to see if Tyler was still in the room, after standing quietly listening for five minutes she decided that he had left and unlocked the door, she was right Tyler was nowhere to be seen and the room was empty. Alice ran down the stairs and out the front door into the fresh night time air, she didn't want to call her mum to pick her up and her house wasn't that far so she decided to walk.
It had been a month since the night of that party and Alice rarely went to school anymore, she had completely lost touch with all of her friends especially Mona, because if it weren't for Mona pressuring her into going to that party and making her buy that stupid outfit she wouldn't be in the position she was in. As Alice walked to the drug store to buy a pregnancy test that night just kept playing on repeat in her head and she couldn't make it stop, it's all she thought about for the last month and she just wants her life to go back to the way it was, to the days when she was a happy 17 year old, to the days when she enjoyed going out and hanging with her friends, but most of all Alice just wanted to be able to leave her room and to look her parents in the face and not feel ashamed for what happened at the party. Alice knows that what happened wasn't her fault; she just wants to press rewind on her life and not go to that party. She buys the test and walks home again. When she gets home she yells to see if anyone is home, no one responds so she runs to the bathroom and does what she has to do, those five minutes seem to go by in hours as she waits anxiously for the results of the three pregnancy tests, how she produced that much urine she doesn't know. Times up, she looks at one test it says negative and she exhales with relief but then she picks up the other two and they both say positive, what I she going to do, she can't tell anyone, she certainly can't tell her parents they would kill her. She's too young to have a baby, let alone his baby. There's only one thing she can think of that she can do that will end all of her pain from that night and the situation that she's in and that is to just end it all, then she will be her happy self again.
As she sits at her computer desk writing a letter to her parents, one to each of her friends and one to her sister she can't help but think that she's making a mistake, but then she can hear Tyler grunting as he thrusts deep inside of her and she is certain that this is her only option that this is the only way to escape that night and everything that would have followed.
The letter to her sister reads:
You're my best friend ever; we share a bond of blood, boys and so much more. You know me better than anyone and vice versa. You also know that I don't have the strength to live like this, you know I can't do it, you know you can live without me; you know it will be hard but I know you can do it. I know you can make it without me with the people that surround you, I have courage in you and I give you whatever strength I have left in me. I tell you everything and only lie to you to protect you. We've had our share of teenage fight, we've had our share of boring conversations and we've had our share of tears. We've been through so much together, I wish I could do this without having tears run down my face but I can't, I wish this was all so simple and not complicated but it's not as easy as just pack up and boom all the problems went away, it can't be solved like that, believe me I wish it could be but it isn't. So here we go, this new journey, it'll be a rollercoaster ride for both of us but I know you'll come out alive, you know I'd die for you any day and I know you'd do the same for me. I know we had a pact that if one of us goes, so does the other... I'm sorry I couldn't let you follow that rule if I'm the one to go, I can't let you give up on all of your dreams just because I'm not there to see them happen, you have so much going for you and I can't let you give any of it up. So here I go, off to bed, cross your heart, I hope to die, I love you more than the world and I hope that when I'm gone you can find someone to fill the shoes that I left open and hopefully you won't feel the pain I have felt for so long. So let's get this rollercoaster fired up and we'll go up the hill but know, when you come down I won't be sitting next to you anymore.
She folds the letters in half and puts them into envelopes; she writes each person's name on the front of the envelope and leaves them neatly on her desk. She cleans her room and makes the bed. As she makes her way down the hallway to the bathroom she stops for a brief moment, the razor heavy in her hand and exhales gently thinking soon it will all be over, I'll be in a better place and this pain will all just disappear. She opens the bathroom door and runs a warm bath, as she gets in still holding the razor, she has one last thought, if I do this it means he has won, it means that he has had the power since that night, do I really want to give in to that monster, fight or flight? She lays down in the bath and runs the blade down her wrists twice on either side, as the blood runs out of her body in to the bath she feels light, like all of the pain is just fading away, the bath water is now a dark crimson colour and with her last breath Alice whispers "Flight!"