A burden of guilt

I feel this heavy burden of guilt on not reaching my expectations on the basis of nothing else other than on my children's behalf. I feel as though iv let them down times and times again & if I could make those fun day outings possible again, I sure would!!! But first I need to get out of this dark hole I feel entrapped in , I feel like a fly stuck to a spiders web, lying in wait for the worse of what will happen & the will to escape from that entrapment can only be done by creating my own will power, no more than normal no less than reality to my self ridden guilt over god knows what that have been the cause of many wasted days, months, & years of what seems like several hundred years......