Banking

BANKING

 

                                                                                 16/2/05

 

By

Aaron Smith

Copyright Aaron Smith 2003

 

 

 

INT. DAY                                                                                                                   .

 

Lights fade up from black. The BANK MANAGER, a middle age professional sits at a desk in an office, having a heated discussion on the phone whilst checking through a ledger book.

 

BANK MANAGER

...no. No Mrs Heatherton

What? No, yesterday. What?

No, yesterday? Yes.

What? Yes, yesterday.

That's right Mrs Heatherton.

No, yesterday was the last day; today we foreclose that register. Past the expiry date, sorry bank policy, goodbye Mrs Heatherton.

 

BANK MANAGER hangs up the phone.

 

BANK MANAGER

Neurotic.

 

BANK MANAGER  presses an intercom on desk.

 

Next please

 

Enters a young man. He is wearing a cap and dark sunglasses, he looks suspicious.

 

BANK MANAGER

 

Checking over ledger book.

 

And you are?

 

JOHN

Err, John, yeah I'm John.

 

 

BANK MANAGER

Of course you are. Surname?

 

JOHN

Err Jones.

 

BANK MANAGER

Naturally.

 

JOHN

I want to open up an account.

 

BANK MANAGER

An account?

 

JOHN

Yeah.

 

BANK MANAGER

Do you want to make a deposit?

 

JOHN

Yeah, look I'm not sure what to...

 

BANK MANAGER

This form.

 

BANK MANAGER  hands him a form. Whilst writing, not looking up at JOHN.

 

JOHN

Oh, OK, do I have to?

 

BANK MANAGER

Pardon?

 

JOHN

I mean is that completely necessary?

 

BANK MANAGER

Of course, you don't make a deposit without giving your particulars; can you image the chaos?

 

JOHN

I suppose, just asking, I've um, never invested before, in a, well a, bank.

 

BANK MANAGER looks at him blankly. JOHN starts to read over the form

 

JOHN

Date of birth.  2nd of the...

 

JOHN

Address. Address, is that mandatory?

 

BANK MANAGER glares at him.

 

JOHN

Yes, of course it is, sorry, I, no, yes...

 

Looks at form again and is about to start writing.

 

I don't mind so much, it's just that I hate getting junk mail. I live in a share house... conservationists... waste of paper. I would never hear the end of it.

 

BANK MANAGER

This bank does not send junk mail, please just complete the form.

 

JOHN Good, excellent, just checking. Right.

 

BANK MANAGER glares at him, JOHN continues to fill out the form.

 

JOHN

Sex. Yes please, just kidding, I didn't mean with you. No, not that you're not attractive, you're just not my type.

 

BANK MANAGER continues to glare at him

 

I'm not gay; no I'm definitely not gay.

 

BANK MANAGER

This conversation is not appropriate.

 

JOHN

But if I was, gay that is, which I'm not, would it matter, I mean would it affect my application. Hypothetically speaking of course. But I'm not, just for the record, so to speak.

 

BANK MANAGER

No, we don't discriminate, all applicants are treated the same. However, we do have stringent tests and rules that must be adhered to. We like to ensure all our clients are of the highest calibre. We have quite a reputation.

 

JOHN

Really, I see. But I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, why, some of my best friends are...

 

BANK MANAGER

Please, just complete the form.

 

JOHN

Sorry, just a bit nervous.

 

BANK MANAGER

Understand.

 

JOHN

First time and all.

 

BANK MANAGER

You'll be fine.

 

JOHN

Bet you get some real freaks.

 

BANK MANAGER

The form.

 

JOHN

Sorry.

 

JOHN reads on.

 

JOHN

Education... Wow this is quite a detailed form.

 

BANK MANAGER, forces a smile.

 

JOHN

You'll be asking my mother's maiden name next. Oh, there it is, mother's maiden name.

 

BANK MANAGER nods to the form.

 

JOHN

Sorry.

 

JOHN continues to write.

 

JOHN

There, all finished I think.

 

JOHN hands BANK MANAGER the form. BANK MANAGER takes the form.

 

BANK MANAGER

Now, I just need some identification.

 

JOHN

What?

 

BANK MANAGER

Some proof of identification please?

 

JOHN

Oh.

 

BANK MANAGER looks over her glasses at JOHN.

 

JOHN

Well here's a thing, when you said name, I thought you meant like the name everyone calls me, which is different to what my actual name is see. When I say actual name I mean the name that my parents gave me, which is different but kinda the same, well similar to the name everyone calls me, you know Jack.

 

BANK MANAGER

You said John.

 

JOHN

Aye?

 

BANK MANAGER

You said your name was John Jones.

 

JOHN

Yeah, right, some people call me Jack some call me John, they both sound the same as my actual name

 

BANK MANAGER

What is your actual name?

 

JOHN hands BANK MANAGER some identification.

 

JOHN

Andrew Osborne.

 

BANK MANAGER reads over the form.

 

JOHN

Honest mistake really.

 

BANK MANAGER

I would say a stupid mistake.

 

JOHN

Sorry.

 

BANK MANAGER

You would not be the first.

 

JOHN

Really.

 

BANK MANAGER ignores JOHN.

 

JOHN

I guess that's all the perverts, get many perverts.

 

BANK MANAGER

Pardon?

 

JOHN

Nothing, but I'm not a pervert, it was just an honest mistake, honestly.

 

BANK MANAGER

Lets just forgot about it shall we?

 

JOHN

Yes, lets.

 

BANK MANAGER continues to read the application form.

 

BANK MANAGER

I see you failed to fill out the special talents section.

 

JOHN

Didn't seem relevant really.

 

BANK MANAGER

Oh no, it's fundamental. If you want your application to pass, you must have something to put in this section. Otherwise I will not be able to accept you. We are a very exclusive bank, with very demanding and particular clients. You could say you have some stiff competition. We don't just accept anyone here. That is why we offer the best rates.

 

JOHN

Really. Gee I'm not sure I've got anything to offer, I feel really inadequate.

 

BANK MANAGER

That's a shame, a real shame, I will have to let you go.

 

JOHN

Shit.

BANK MANAGER looks over  glasses at JOHN.

 

JOHN

Sorry.

 

BANK MANAGER

I don't think our institution is appropriate to some one of your calibre.

JOHN

I can juggle.

 

BANK MANAGER

What?

 

JOHN

I can juggle, here let me show you.

 

JOHN starts to juggle objects off the desk.

 

BANK MANAGER

Very good, but a monkey can do that.

 

JOHN

Can they, wow I've never seen one of those monkeys.

 

BANK MANAGER

I didn't mean literally.

 

JOHN

What did you mean?

 

BANK MANAGER

It was a figure of speech.

 

JOHN

So you haven't seen a juggling monkey?

 

BANK MANAGER

I'm sorry but that really just doesn't make the grade, I cannot accept your deposit just because you can juggle. Honestly.

 

JOHN

But wait there's more.

 

BANK MANAGER

I knew I should have called in sick today.

 

JOHN

I can moon walk, you know like Michael Jackson, check this out.

 

BANK MANAGER

This isn't helping your cause.

 

JOHN

I can sing, pick a song, any song.

 

BANK MANAGER

I getting a headache

 

JOHN

Go on, any song at all. I'm like a walking jukebox.

 

BANK MANAGER

Ok, ok, how about Magic Carpet Ride.

 

JOHN

I never heard of it, who's it by?

 

BANK MANAGER

It was some sixties band... I don't believe I'm doing this. I don't have time for this really.

 

JOHN

Pick another one, go on.

 

BANK MANAGER

No.

 

JOHN

OK, I'll pick one.

 

JOHN starts singing

 

BANK MANAGER

For crying out loud.

 

JOHN

And I can do cart wheels.

 

JOHN starts doing cartwheels.

 

BANK MANAGER

Stop, please.

 

JOHN

I can also tap dance.

 

            JOHN climbs on BANK MANAGER'S desk and starts tap dancing.

 

BANK MANAGER

Sweet Mary, mother of Christ! Stop.

 

JOHN

Well?

 

BANK MANAGER

OK, I will put performance artist in the special talents section.

 

JOHN

So am I accepted, huh, huh, well am I?

 

BANK MANAGER

Actually, now that I think about it, you could fill a niche market.

 

JOHN

You little ripper.

 

BANK MANAGER

Now if you just go over there and follow the directions, they are quite self-explanatory.

 

BANK MANAGER points to off screen.

 

JOHN

Over there?

 

BANK MANAGER

Just over there, yes.

 

JOHN walks off screen. BANK  MANAGER is sitting at desk, shuffling    papers.

 

JOHN

Um, I'm having a little difficulty here, would it be possible to get some assistance.

 

BANK MANAGER

Really someone of your age should find this kind of thing second nature. It's really not that difficult.

 

JOHN

I know, but if you could just give me a hand.

 

BANK MANAGER

I don't believe this, second one today, what is wrong with this generation. Don't their parents teach them anything?

           

            BANK MANAGER exits off screen. Both actors are now off screen.

 

BANK MANAGER

Just do this.

 

JOHN

Right.

 

BANK MANAGER

And this.

 

JOHN

Oh.

 

BANK MANAGER

And there we go, all done. That didn't take long at all did it?

 

JOHN

Ah, that's a relief.

 

BANK MANAGER re-enters screen wiping hand with a towel and sits down at the desk and picks up the phone and dials.

 

BANK MANAGER

Hello, Mrs Heatherton this is the sperm bank again, yes the sperm bank. You called earlier. Look, I have a just received a fresh deposit you may be interested in.

 

THE END