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you used to think i was a saint

Short story By: Josephine Ann

there is some comfort in the knowledge that beauty is subjective. there is some freedom in not giving a damn. there is some growth in suffering pain.

all of these things come at a price.

Submitted:Feb 6, 2008    Reads: 69    Comments: 0    Likes: 1   

there is some comfort in the knowledge that beauty is subjective. there is some freedom in not giving a damn. there is some growth in suffering pain.

all of these things come at a price.

do i irritate you? does my skin make you nervous when it's exposed, splayed in black and white across an internet page? do you think your judgement is really all that sound?

do you pretend to understand it at all?

there are certain things that come with being in a house when it's dark and rainy, and one of those things is introspection. i have tried harder than i ever thought was possible to push my limits- to deny myself the things i need, to indulge in the things that hurt, to break that human condition i'm boxed into. and oh, so many of you are little toys. so many of you have strings around your wrists- are you cutting them? you can only answer yes to one or the other; there is mutual exclusivity to hating yourself and being strong. we are all samson's; it goes deeper than the hair. we're all capable of being broken- the difference is that some of us break ourselves and some of us build. it's a decision only you can make. watch out for delilah, darling, because she's more than a woman in a white sheet with a need to sin. she's every bit your art, every bit the people you love the most. just remember that samson loved first. the one that loves first is always hurt first; it's a cycle, baby, and it's beautiful. you'll learn to love it. and one day you'll realize that the first have always been the last, the last to breathe and think and hope and cry.

three out of four ain't bad.

i know you're sitting, wondering where all the cynicism came from- maybe you're thinking i've been let down again, maybe you're making it your business when it's not- but this is just my way. this is the staple of my influence, honey. this is the price i pay for saying things that matter. would you pay the price? would you throw your reputation to the wind for someone that matters more than that? i didn't think i would, but it's just another time i've been wrong. you'd be amazed at the things you'd do for the right person. you'd be shocked at the things you'd let people say about you, the things you'd say to other people, the things neither party would say but both would be thinking. don't shy away from confrontation, baby. i'm not angry with you. i only want to know the truth, but i won't find it here. it's alright- i overestimate people all the time. you get used to it after a while. it's not quite as distressing after the first real letdown.

i think about the things that have happened in my life, and i have to laugh when i look back and see God's plan as it unfolds. who would have guessed? who could have possibly anticipated it all? here's the truth of the matter- if you regret loving, you will spend your whole life hating yourself. if you do not know what it means to give yourself over completely to another person, you will never fill the hole in your soul. if you don't put your feelings inside someone else's hands- if you are afraid to look in someone's eyes and not look away- you will never really live. you'll never really understand the rush, the moment of suspension before the collision, the slow motion smile of a lover in the dead of night. really, the impact of pain pales in comparison to all those things.


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