A mother gone
Not all mothers are perfect and sometimes bad situations make the
perfect mothers go wrong. I was young when it started. Just ten
years old as I slipped my hand into my mothers and fastened the
dog's lead so that we could head out on a mission that was to
change my life forever.
"If he's at it we'll catch him," she said as we
walked. Aiming ourselves in the general direction of the small
shop where my father worked. The shop was a tatty old newsagent's
which took up all of my dad's time. Mum had never minded till
now. In fact she had repeatedly said on many occasions. "He has
to support us somehow and at least when he's working we know
where he is." But that opinion seemed to have changed since dad
stopped coming home at nights. He told mum that this was because
they were planning to remodel the shop and give it a new lease of
life but as of yet no changes could be seen within the shop
We skirted the town surprisingly avoiding the small
shop and after almost an hour of just aimlessly wandering mum
told me to sit down on a bench and wait. What I was waiting for I
could not be sure as I watch mum dash across the road, between
two cars, and disappear down a small alley way. Almost an hour
pasted and still I sat their waiting my nerves on edge as the sky
began to darken with only my collie cross Colin for company.
Then there was the wail of sirens as two police cars
sped around the bend heading in the direction of the newsagents.
I knew instinctively that something bad had happened and unable
to stop myself I was up and running in a blind panic, Colin,
matching me step for step like the good dog he was.
As I reached the shop my worst fears were realised as
the two police cars were both outside and just seconds later an
ambulance pulled up behind them. A group of onlookers stood
watching the shop with interest but no one seemed to notice me as
I stood there frozen to the spot, my dog by my side, trying to
get a glimpse of my parents.
An hour past and lots more official looking people
and police men arrived. Only the ambulance left with no one
inside and the shop was cordoned off. Soon a couple of officers
were trying to clear away the growing crowd. Suddenly Dad's boss
Martin pulled up and spotting me he hurriedly got out of his car
and rushed to my side.
"Stacey." He said placing a hand on my shoulder.
"What are you doing here?" he added hurriedly before pushing me
towards his car and instructing me to get in the back.
"Now you wait here and don't move." Was all he said
before he hurried across to speak with one of the police officers
while I just sat there staring at the shop my arm draped around
It was not long before Martin returned followed by a
female police officer who gazed through the window at me and my
dog as if we were merely objects on display in some shop window.
Then she talked low to Martin who nodded and climbed into the
"There's been an accident Stacey. Your to come home
with me for a while and then someone's going to come along and
explain ok." He said looking nervous as he started the car. I
simply sat there not knowing what to say or do.
I clutched to Colin all of that night but no one
came. I clutched to him all the next day too. I did not cry but
just sat there waiting silently Colin beside me. We did not eat
or drink and I refused to speak.
Martin and his wife tried everything to get me to
talk but I could not. I knew the minute I started to I would not
be able to stop. I would want answers, need answers and if they
could not be given them I would cry.
I still heard though. I heard Martins hurried
whispers to his wife, his fears that I had seen it all and that
this was why I would not speak. I heard him call someone and tell
them the same and shortly after that the police arrived.
I knew it was bad and clung to Colin for dear life as
they sat across from me the two police women. One rested her hat
lightly on her knees and gave me a gentle smile while the other
seemed uncomfortable and fingered the hem of her skirt.
"Stacey," The smiling one said as she gazed into my
face. "A terrible thing has happened to your father and we need
to know if you saw anything?"
"Do you know where your mum is?" she asked gazing at
me then gently shuffling across the floor till she was in front
of me and at my own eyelevel.
"You're not in trouble Stacey. We just need to know
where your mum is so that we can tell her what's happened and
where you are, that's all." She said but it was all in vain as I
would not, could not, speak. When they left at last I heard her
whispering to Martin about shock and psychiatrists.
"Take the dog out." Martin said after they were gone
and shooed me into his back garden. I perched on the small wall
that was next to a mess fence while Colin searched for a place to
do his business.
"Stacey." I heard someone whisper from behind me.
Turning quickly I saw my mum lying on her tummy looking at me
from the long grass. She pushed a finger to her lips but I
couldn't have said anything even if I wanted too.
"I caught him Stacey. I caught him fucking her right
there in the back room," She hissed. Then holding up a blood
stained piece of shrivelled flesh she added "Let's see him cheat
"You didn't do as I told you though did you baby. You were meant
to stay on the bench remember. But you didn't did you." She added
gazing at me with wide, frightening eyes.
"There after me now though," She said getting to her
knees and reaching a blood stained hand through the fence. "I'll
not go down for his crime." She added, standing up and reaching
over the fence towards me.
I took her hands and she pulled me over. "Now call
Colin," She said and I gave a whistle. He bounded to the fence
and she quickly lifted him over too. Then taking my hand she
dragged me across the field as fast as she could.
We walked for hours keeping to the fields as far from
the road and other people as mum could possibly get. There was
blood all over her clothes, her hands and even her face and the
whole time she clutched that shrivelled piece of flesh as if it
were a lucky talisman.
Several days passed like this with us just walking
while mum talked on and on about dad and how he'd got what he
deserved. We did not eat only drank from streams along the way.
Colin however managed to catch a rabbit on the firth day and mum
snatching it up sat there eating it raw while I watched on with
Day six we came to a large lake.
"This is where it all began." She said gazing at me.
"This is where it will end too." She said and laughed. For an
hour she ran around bashing the shrivelled piece of flesh against
rocks and screaming up at the sky. "You bastard, you fucking
bastard." Over and over again while I sat there Colin by my side
as we both shook with fright.
Then she flung the flesh into the water as hard as
she could and slamming her hands to her face she let out a high
pitched, wild scream that seemed to go on forever. I could not
see what she was doing but then she suddenly stopped and turned
to me blood gushing from several deep cuts in her face.
"They'll lock me up if I don't." She said suddenly a
wild frantic look on her face. "They'll lock me up and throw away
the key." She added as she grabbed my hand and started dragging
me into the water. I instantly started to panic and fought to get
away but she kept a tight grip on me. I was afraid of the water
and always had been. My dad had always promised to teach me to
swim but there had never been enough time.
"Don't worry," she said seeming to read my mind. "I
never learned either. They say it's the most amazing way to die."
She added pulling me deeper whilst Colin barked franticly from
Soon I could not touch the bottom but she continued
to pull me deeper and deeper until she too was struggling to
touch solid ground. "You have to trust me baby, it's for the
best," she said, as she shoved me forward and my head dropped
beneath the water. Seeing her beside me I fought in a panic to
cling to her but she shoved me away. As I struggled to stay above
the water I gulped down huge amounts of the vile liquid but as
hard as I tried I could not keep my head above the surface.
Then I saw mum gazing at me through the murk her eyes open as
she calmly sunk to the bottom of the lake, "I love you." She
mouthed before she faded into the darkness. I cried out to her
sucking in yet more water. Then fought to get to the surface
where I would be able to breathe again but as hard as I tried the
light seemed to get further away.
Then I felt something brush my side and I was being
pulled upwards. I realised that something had hold of the hood of
my coat and was pulling me towards the surface. Gasping for air I
cried out reaching in the direction of my mum then looking round
I saw that it was Colin who had my hood and that he was slowly
towing me towards the shore.
He deposited me on the banks and dived back into the
water in search of mum. I watched helplessly as he paddled out as
fast as he could and began to circle around before diving beneath
the water. Appearing a few minutes later he circled and dive
again repeating the process until exhausted and alone he returned
to the shore panting violently.
I knew in an instant that it was now too late. My
mother was dead.
My mother was once the perfect mum kind, affectionate
and happy. She was devoted to her family, loyal and generous to a
fault but when my father cheated on her something inside her
snapped and she became a stranger.
My father died for his infidelity and so did his
lover while I live on a silent victim of my parents mistakes.
Colin is beside me as I write this. He is old now and the
therapist has told me that if I write down all that happened back
then Colin can stay with me when I go to my new home.
They tried to take him off me once before but I
fought them so hard that they found me a foster home where Colin
could come too. This is their final attempt to get answers before
I am shoved out of the system and no doubt they will read it
But before you go please remember that my mother was
not a bad person, just a broken one.