-Before Life Tears Us Apart-
‘Faster, run faster you worthless idiot’ I screamed at myself charging forwards, trying to reach my salvation.
Bursting into the bathroom, gasping for air through my shallow breaths, I fell to the cold hard floor bellow me. Searching the room through my tears for a razor, some nail scissors, anything that could stop me feeling like this, all I could think of was how badly I needed to see the blood. The gleaming blade or a razor caught the corner of my eye. I grabbed at it, my fingers slipping on the smooth white surface surrounding the sink. I looked for skin not already scared or scabbing, and failed to find any. So once more like I had done countless times before, began to push the fine metal blade over old cuts. Tearing away at the healing skin, I began slicing into my veins. I felt the pulse in my arm penetrate my hollow existence, the blood showing me I was some how still here, even if I couldn’t feel it.
As I sat there watching the blood rise to the surface of my cut and slowly creep out, I thought of how I loved to watch it bleed and wash away all my pain, blocking it out with every drop. I had reached my oasis. I belonged to pain, I was apart of it. Misery seems to love me, to long for me. Without it I wouldn’t be myself.
“Hey Anna, Ben’s on the phone” yelled my brother from out side the bathroom door.
“Uh, I… I’m coming. Hold on” replied my voice full of hesitation.
My cut still continued to spill crimson red blood. Pulling down my sleeve, I opened the bathroom door slowly using the arm I hadn’t cut, keeping the other firmly by my side in hope the blood wouldn’t trickle down on to my hand.
“Hello” I said now safely back in the bathroom watching my wrist.
“Hey Annie, What ya doing?”
Oh you know just hacking at my wrist with a razor, the usual. How I would love to tell somebody about how I ended up here on this clod tile floor each night, drawing my blood in this state of confusion. I still don’t understand why I couldn’t tell Ben. He was one of my best friends. But the reason I had ended up here again tonight was because of him. I’ve had a crush on him for years now, only my best friend Lisa knows, and guess who he just asked out. I still can’t believe she said yes. She knows how I feel about him.
“Annie? You there?” he asked a bit confused, but still knowing very well I had just drifted off in my own thoughts as I often do.
“What? Oh yea I’m just… doing my... homework, yea I’m doing my math’s homework. So what’s up? How’s Lisa?”
And just then everything hit me. ‘Why did I even ask? Was it to cover up my feelings for him? was it to make me seem like a good person? I don’t even know. All I know is that I’m tired of hurting. Of looking at people with their sleeves rolled up at school, their untouched wrists so perfectly smooth, without a single scar or scratch. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to be normal, but then I wouldn’t be any better then the rest of those mindless idiots…’
“Annie, what’s wrong?” asked Ben, who had realized I hadn’t been listening to a word he just said.
“What, nothing. Why?” I laughed briskly as I blurted out my obviously forced answer.
“Annie, I can tell when something’s wrong. Please just tell me”
“Nothings wrong, now what were you saying?” I said trying to change the subject, and hating myself even more fordoing so. But I couldn’t exactly tell him what was wrong, I mean how could I?
“Annie I’m here to listen, now what’s wrong? I can always tell when you’re upset. What happened?” he asked desperate for my answer.
I groaned, my frustration growing. I wanted to tell him, I really did. But I can’t.
“Ben I, I really…” my words trailed off in despair.
“What is it?”
“I have to go” I spoke fast, not giving him a chance to say another word. Then hung up.
Tears flooded from my stinging eyes, I slumped over my bonnie knees and sat crouched in a pool of my own glistening red blood. Why did I feel like this? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I tell him how much he means to me?
As I grasped the razor close with my brittle fingers, the phone begun to ring.
“Annie I’m going out, cya later” screamed my brother Matt as he ran out the door, slamming it shut as he left.
The phone continued to ring, now I had to answer it. But still didn’t move. Just sat there still, crying my heart out. The answering machine beeped, the caller was leaving a message.
“Hey Annie, I know your there. Pick up, please. Come on Annie pick up.” It was Ben. His voice was desperate, and concerned.
He could always tell when I was really upset. He was good friend, no a great friend. He means so much to me, but yet I still can’t tell him how I feel about him. Even if I did tell him, he would just reject me like everyone always does. So maybe things are better this way. But if things are meant to be like this between us, then why does it hurt so much?
My thoughts were interrupted by my Mobil ringing in my pocket. I knew it was Ben. But I couldn’t answer, I wouldn’t let myself. All I could do was continue to guide the razor up my arm until I had no more skin left to mark. Over and over my phone rang both my Mobil and house phone. Why couldn’t he just give up?
* * *
Making one final cut I dropped the razor quickly letting it slip form the grip of my sweaty palms, the doorbell rang. One ring, two, three… it kept going.
“Annie, Annie…hello? … Annie, come on!” I could hear him shouting to me from outside.
I had to go and let him in at least, but if I did he would see the blood. It was all up my arm now and had coloured my hands a vibrant red.
I ran my hands under the tap, the cool water seemed icy to the touch of my sultry red hands, I tried desperately to wash off the blood. But the longer the water ran, the more the blood seemed to stream down from my wrists, returning the crimson red colour.
Ben was still calling out, and I couldn’t keep him waiting any longer.
“Coming!” I shouted, trying harder to clean my hands.
But as I turned around to reach a towel, there he was. Ben had let himself in with one of the many spare keys I had lost at his house. He often carried them around for me; when ever I forgot my house key Ben had a backup for me.
“Annie…” he said shocked and horrified.
“I was, ah… I, umm….”
“Why would you ever do that to yourself? Why… I, why?” Ben hesitated as he spoke.
I had never seen him like this before. He was always the one that was always talking, who knew what to say. And now I saw him standing there so shocked, upset and utterly speechless.
“Annie, why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, staring deep into my eyes as he spoke.
“How could I?”
I could hear his watch ticking, as every second passed a painful silence grew. I tried to think of words to say, but when ever I opened my mouth in an attempt to speak, something inside me locked up. there was a lump in my throat, the dry stinging in my eyes was now gone and moistened by fresh salty tears trying to escape and flood down my checks. Trying to breath deeply in hope to create a state of calm, I noticed my wrist was still pouring hot red blood. the deeper I tried to breath and the more I strugeled to calm myself, the shallower my breaths got. My knees were week, my feeling numb, my heart beating faster then the blink of an eye.
“Ben” I gasped, falling to the smooth sky blue tiles bellow me, drops of my vibrant red blood infecting their perfect colour.
“Annie! Annie? Annie are you okay!?” Ben spoke fast and his words jumbled into one.
I couldn’t see him well, all I saw was darkness. But I heard him fall to the floor next to me, and his smooth hands grasp my wrist gently.
“Annie, can you hear me? Annie, It’s all right, I’m here its okay”
* * *
My sight flickered as I tried to open my eyes. All I saw was red, my shirt was red, my hands were red, his hands were red. Ben was sitting beside me, he was still staring into my eyes. He looked so depressed, so broken.
“Why?” he whispered, head hung as he dapped at my cuts that had now finally stoped bleeding at last.
“I didn’t… I… I couldn’t…” I was still without any words. All I could think of to say was the truth, how I felt about him. But I couldn’t sway that, I wouldn’t.
“Annie please, you can tell me anything, you know that. Now no lies, what made you do this to yourself?”
“You” I forced the word form my throat, the lone syllable seemed to burst form my impatient mouth. Suddenly I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t want to live this lie another moment. Let him think he was just a friend to me, let him believe that he’s nothing more then another guy.
“Ben, you have always been there for me. I mean look at us right now, you found me. You found my biggest secret. And I know that explaining to you why will just waist my words, because deep down you already know why.” I found myself speaking slowly and calmly.
“Lisa. Lisa told me. She told me that you like me. She shouldn’t of, she really, really shouldn’t of. It wasn’t her place. It isn’t her place”
I lay perfectly still. My heart had stopped, my mind had stopped. I had stopped.
“The reason I called before, was because I wanted to tell you I had just broken things off with her. Lisa and I were talking on our way back from the bus stop, and she started laughing, of course I asked why. And just like that she told me that you liked me. And that it was funny that she had got me first.”
I didn’t even try to speak. All I could so was lye there.
“I came to tell you that the only reason I got with her in the first place, was because I didn’t want to say no when she asked me and upset her. When she told me that you liked me, I realized that I was upsetting you way more. And I wanted to make things right between us.”
I love you. I love you. I love you. I could think of nothing else in the world but how much Ben meant to me at this very moment. I screamed it in my head over and over. I love you. Why couldn’t I just say it?
“Annie?” he asked noticing I had again drifted off.
“Ben, I… I love you.”
As the words left my mouth I he began to lean over me, his messy brown hair covering his widened eyes. I felt his hot breath on my lips. I had dreamed of this moment for years.
“Annie you are my best friend, and I love you too- …but not in that way.”
The seams of my heart tore open. I didn’t want to live anymore. It wasn’t worth it.
“I never thought that you could think of me the way I think of you, or that you ever could. But the hope… the hope was enough. But not anymore.”
I forced myself up vigorously, and began running form the room. Ben shouted out to me to stop. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t fight it. I didn’t want to fight it.
“Annie, Annie where you going? I’m sorry, Annie come back”
Ben started running after me, screaming apologized as he tried to catch my step. I turned around and screamed as loud as I could at him.
“Leave me alone! You’re not sorry! You shouldn’t have to be sorry, you did nothing wrong.” I spluttered as I spoke, tears streaming down my face.
Running to god knows where, I slipped on the smooth linoleum in the kitchen.
“Don’t you dare feel bad! I’m the one to blame here! ME okay! Not you.”
“I don’t mean to hurt you, I just-”
“why did you even come over today?!” I cut him off as I questioned angrily.
“I came over to ask you if you really did like me.”
“and what the hell was your plane if I said yes? ….or didn’t you believe Lisa when she said that” I was more confused then Ben looked and determined to get an answer out of him, but at the same time dreading what he was to say.
“I… I don’t know. I guess I didn’t believe her. Thought she was messing with me or something” Ben seemed disappointed in his words. Ashamed in what he had said.
“Right, because were friend.” My tone was sarcastic and full of furry.
“yea and I guess that’s all we’ll ever be right? Just friends.”
I processed his words, analyzing each syllable before I chose to respond. Coming up with nothing better then,
“Ben friends aren’t in love.”
“Well then what are we? If were not friends?” he asked softly.
“things are the same now. I have been in love with you for what seems like a life time now. The only difference is now, you know how I feel. I guess now I just don’t have that hope you may feel the same way about me.”
“Annie I love you. I really do. I would stay with you forever if I could. Just lye here next to you and make you feel as though you belonged. But right now I feel like even though I do love you, I still… don’t in some ways. And when you said that to me back there, I just didn’t know what to say, I really didn’t. look I’ve never been in love, but what we have feels so right. And if that’s love to you, then it is to me too.”
“so you do love me?”
“Yes, I do” a tear crept form his saddened eyes as he whispered to me.
* * *
Looking back on it all now, I should have been the one to die. Not Ben. He was and always will be an amazing person and the one I truly do and forever will love. I remember his very last words as we drew the blade across one and others necks. Not a single tear, no feeling of pain. Nothing, just the wish to be eternally together, even if it meant not in this life. I don’t think he wanted to end it all. And I know he never really did love me. Well at least not the same way as I did love him, do love him. Maybe he just felt bad for lying to me about how he felt, maybe he needed to end it because he just couldn’t live a lie like that., and he knew he couldn’t tell me the truth. I duno, all I know is that he should be the one that was rescued. Not me. I did a terrible thing, I shouldn’t have believed he wanted to die. I will never forgive myself for that. For being so blind as to take his life. And for what? Love? Or did I just want to end it all so badly, to escape. So many questions I cant answer.
And now here I am, sitting alone. the eshoes of coughing traviling through the hall way. People here for help. Help that they want. All I want was to be with ben. I didn’t want to be here anymore. Not without him. I wish he had been the one that made it. I don’t deserve to be alive. To trap my blood inside these dirty veins of mine. I’m a disgusting person. How could I of let him die? Just slip right through my fingers. To watch him die. I don’t deserve to live, to breath, to have a heart beat. I don’t want another breath of air, I didn’t deserve it. But how could I help it? This stupid machine is forcing me to breath.
Suddenly a thought rushed into my head. Filled with determination, and thoughts of an escape, I pulled vigorously at the tube under my nose that was constructing my air way. Flashes of Ben in those last moments hit me in the face. I could it all. I saw us standing there, knife to one and others throat. His last breaths whispering those little words,
“escpae form this escape”
I wanted nothing but to die. That’s all I deserved for letting Ben die. Peering over to see the door of my room was safely closed shut, blocking out any unknowing eyes that could stop me, I saw my room was secure. No one would find me this time. Form my sorrow excuse of a person. Helping me to feel no pain anymore.
Minutes passed, I felt my lungs struggle for air and my body shake All I could was smile, and enjoy the feeling of slipping away. Hopefully into a world where Ben would be waiting for me. This time life wouldn’t tear us apart.
“I will love you forever, Ben.”Music inspired by: ‘join me in death- HIM’