I wonder if true love is really "true", I wonder what they mean by finding Mr. Right and soulmate. I sit back and analyze the failing marriage I am in. Is this a dream or actually better described as a nightmare? I almost feel disconnected like this is not really happening. Where did it all go wrong? We were once so attentive and loving to eachother. We would stay up late just so we didn't waste time together sleeping. We would rush home, yes speed home, after work just to see eachother. We would miss eachother while at our 8 hour a day job like we have been away from eachother for months. We kissed eachother like it was the first time, that exciting butterfly fluttering feeling in my heart and stomach with each kiss. The way he would look at me was as if his eyes were telling me how thankful he was for meeting me. That appreciation of everything we did for eachother, every little thing.
There once was a time where I was highly against marriage. I figured it is only paper, what is the point? Then when I met him that all changed.
I miss those days, I am frustrated because those days will never be again. The damage of words towards eachother has left scars that cannot be easily fixed with a sorry. Cannot be fixed with a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates. It will always be there either fresh in my mind or in the back of my mind. Every fight and arguement gets out of control with such unkind words that can never be taken back. Honestly, I would rather be punched than hear those words. Saying I love you too has become to difficult for me to get past my lips. I cannot bring myself to enjoy those kisses that even though they do exist they have become few and far between. We are roommates who hate eachother, that is the best way I can describe my situation. Picking at one another like young siblings. We get agitated if we look at eachother wrong. Our attempts to fix issues has failed just like our failure to succeed in our marriage.
I have become so unhappy, I wipe away tears as I write this. My
thoughts of once was and the future cause me huge amounts of
grief. Failure of my marriage is like grieving for someone who
died. Grief that is too hard to handle. Mix in some anger into
that and voila you have got the ingredients for unhappiness.
Around my children I smile and laugh. I try to hide what I am
really feeling. I just want to crawl in a hole some days.
I consider myself to be a strong person who can handle anything that life throws at me. However, over time I cannot handle the feeling of failure in my marriage. I have been through a lot but this really tops the cake.......
To be continued......