The Behemoth’s Beginnings
Current mood: calm

I thought to myself, 'Past life quiz? This looks like it could entertain me for five minutes.' Of course, it wasn't a quiz at all. All you do is type your name in. Not quite the same, but nevertheless with an entertainment factor. And so I did it. I was something along the lines of "A seductive nanny." This amused me to no end: I was currently thinking of any way I could to ensnare someone, and I was also babysitting almost constantly. This seemed an accurate summary of any past I may have had; it certainly applied to my present. And so I wanted to show Sarah. When I typed my name in and resubmitted it, lo, I was now "A secretive nanny." Turns out it changes each time you type it…not your occupation, just your adjective. See? Just now I was "An annoying nanny". In half an hour I'll be something else again. ("A dirty nanny" now!)

And then it hit me – why don't I write the story about the nanny? A new kind of nanny…in an old kind of world. That way she'd be extra misplaced. It's one thing to be a little too independent and attractive for your own good nowadays when things like that are tolerated and common place…it's another back when things like that were frowned upon if you had a vagina. And so I wrote something. Small, of course. But something. Just once scene, whatever that may have been.

Somehow it has snowballed (even more than before). What used to be ten pages and three scenes which spelled out nothing linear has morphed into 580 pages and four parts and fifty chapters with dozens of scenes which still spell out nothing linear. It encompasses some of the women I admire most (Vivien Leigh, Irene Gut Opdyke, Hannah Senesh, and Deborah Sampson) with the writing and/or plotline heavily influenced by dozens of authors (Margaret Mitchell, Somerset Maugham, Ayn Rand, Sinclair Lewis, George Orwell, and Ray Bradbury just to name a few).

I tried to be honest in my writing. If at any point I come across as sounding ignorant or insincere, it's probably because I am. I still have trouble writing from a perspective I don't personally believe in. And romance scenes always sound insincere to me, and I can't help thinking that. (If reading them sounds insincere, you can imagine the agonies I go through while writing them.) Since it's a first draft and I don't write in sequence, things will be mentioned that came out of nowhere and then never get brought up again. And there are things which will remain part of the story but which are in the wrong spot. On the whole it's a work in progress (and crap on top of everything else) but it's here for you when you want it.

Right now I feel the need to request that you not get uptight about anything that I've written. Ideas or actions will be different from yours and I just want to make sure that no one takes anything I write as coming directly from me as my opinion or my choices. Some things are my opinions or choices but twisted some to fit my characters or situations. Some things very obviously aren't anything related to me whatsoever. But even then, does the writer ever really have opinions? Or choices? Don't the things they write belong to the characters alone? Because if you really want to get your opinion and choices across, write an autobiography and get it out of the way. Characters may feel or behave similar to you, but they never feel as you do you. They're not all you; just part of you.

So what is my story about? I have to say that I've been asked that more than anything in my entire life, probably more than my name. To be brutally honest…I don't know. I just say "everything" and let you take it from there. But of course, because I wrote it, there are certain things that are a given. My main character is some strong and intelligent brunette, there is sedition and oppression (yet the former cannot exist without the latter), there's a man with a very nice and well-formed brain, nosy people, mockery of superficial people, and other such silly junk.

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone." Well, something along those lines. My story follows the life of one Marguerite Kassirer from the ages of fifteen to twenty-four. It covers three countries, twelve years, and dozens of characters; it lasts for (currently) 530 pages, fifty chapters, and four parts. She lives first in Shendleigh (I invented it, please don't go looking it up anywhere!) under a dictator. Secondly she lives in Berksham (also invented) under several different kinds of dictators. Finally she spends the remainder of the story between Oblivder (invented) and Shendleigh under what I now realize is yet another kind of dictator. Of course, they aren't all REALLY dictators. Not really. But isn't anyone who tries to make you do anything unnatural a dictator of some sort? I think so.

Oblivder is really the last one. I make mention of another country named Whatter a lot (and once in a while one named Hevja) but neither of these is really important to the plot in terms of needing a description. As for Oblivder… "Something along the lines of Ancient Greece, Rome, Poland, and Russia. Huge focus on architecture, squares, commons, parks, etc. Lies to the southeastern boarder of Shendleigh. Primarily oval shaped and rather small, cozy, quiet. A nation overall introverted and steeped in its own lengthy history."

I'm not going to say anything really preachy about how I wanted to bring together all the important elements of life and display a case of survival and the rudimentary forces that we as humans are constantly being pitted against blah blah blah…no. I don't really foreshadow much. If you find symbolism somewhere, that's great! Let me know, because I don't remember doing any. Honestly, I just wrote. I never sit down and concentrate on a theme or something that I want to say or symbols or any of the bullshit that English teachers insist on making us look for when we read anything. I've asked every teacher, "How do you know they actually incorporated that? How do you know that's what they had in mind? How do you know they didn't just write and we're reading more into it than they ever thought anyone could see? D'you think that some of the greatest novels of all time were written when their creators sat down and said, 'I'm going to get across to the world how I think we're being corrupted by our capitalist society?' or whatever you teachers think the point might be? Probably not. Unless you count someone like Ayn Rand who was always writing against communism and actively promoting capitalism. But still. What I'm trying to say is that I didn't really plan any message with this story. I just wrote what I think and what I see and between those two things my feelings come out. Really my feeling is that people should just be able to live their lives in peace without a great deal of intrusion from outside sources. I believe in isolationism and individualism. That's about it. And of course that's going to come out because those are the books I read and that's how I live. But I'm not preaching at anyone. And I'm not even really consciously telling you anything, there isn't really any moralizing. It is a story and it exists. Nine times out of ten there's not a theme to life, is there? Or a symbol? Are we going to look at someone wearing a red hunting hat and say that it symbolizes that person's need for isolation as well as their need for companionship? No, we're just going to glance and recognize that that person is wearing a red hunting hat – then we're going to move on. Whenever we drive and see a green light are we going to say that it symbolizes a quest for a loved one? If anything what we're going to say it symbolizes is motion! Every time we see a rosebush beside a prison door are we going to think that it symbolizes the ability of nature to endure and outlast man's activities? No, we're just going to think, "Aww, look, what a pretty rosebush!" Some people might not even think that. So fuck symbolism. And themes. And motifs. Because I didn't put any in there to my knowledge and if you find any you're just making the story out to be something bigger than it is. And who needs that? (But I appreciate you for taking my bullshit so seriously!)

I have provided, for the imaginatively challenged, a photobucket album which contains a whole slew of images. Unfortunately I can't order them the way I want, just the way I uploaded, which means that if I add anything new the first two pages (which I like as they are) will be thrown out of whack. Sucks to be me. But anyway, just by scrolling around and bouncing through pages you'll come across close (or dead accurate) approximations of what my characters are supposed to look like. Also some random things thrown in like fashion at the time (which I've brutally neglected) weaponry (same) and generally images which help get my brain going. I'm sure that some of the faces I used will be instantly recognizable. Vivien Leigh has been my basis for main characters since about 8^th grade…probably before. I'm sure you'll all be able to figure out that Chad basically is Channer but I really didn't want his face sullying up my photobucket, so…luckily for me he happens to bear a striking resemblance to Will Ferrell. Mwahahah! There may be some familiar faces besides those two. I doubt you'll know most of them. I barely know how I do. Anyway, it is located yonder if you want it:

And now, I present to you, my behemoth. Think of it what you will.