The tears were already drying on my face. And I didn’t remember anymore what toy I wanted, just that my mommy didn’t get it for me.
“‘kid’, That toy is for Adults. Not for 5 years old” She said lifting my face to look at her smile.
“For ‘sister’. I wanted to share it with her.” My mommy smile and cleaned my nose.
“For older than 9 years old too ‘kid’” She said as we started to walk again.
I look down back to my feet while she guided me. My left foot is the most wonderful foot a kid could ever have. It’s crooked to the right. And when I walk is so much fun. My right foot is just boring straight like all my cousins have. I like it because we all make fun of it and laugh a lot about it. It too saved me from looking at the adult world for too long. It’s too scary, big and ugly.
One day I was in my grandma’s living room watching TV. ‘Uncle’ came from his room, he is my younger uncle.
“Have you seen a man naked ‘kid’?” He asked me while holding that nasty thing he has. He had no clothes on “Do you want to touch it ‘kid’?” I’ve seen my baby cousin naked before and I tough it was funny. This wasn’t funny. An adult naked wasn’t funny. I looked for something funny to look at. I looked to my feet that were hanging in the air. I’m not going to cry, five years old don’t cry for silly things. That’s what my mommy told me. But I couldn’t help, when I felt him touch my face, to lose some tear. He rubbed that thing to my face.
“Oh ‘kid’ don’t be stupid. ‘Sister’ did it already, is your turn now. You want to be like your sister right?” He hold my chin tight and painful. And I squeeze my eyes close.
“Is that true uncle? Did she do it?” I asked hopeful he was joking. He just shocked his head up and down. And I started to cry loud, I couldn’t help it. My sister always would be braver than me. He covered my mouth and smacked me hard in the back of my head.
“’kid’ what’s wrong?” Yelled my grandma from her room. And I cried harder, I don’t want my grandma think I’m a coward baby. He pushed me hard and I fell from the high couch and hit hard on the floor. “Fucking kid” My uncle said before going to his room. I cried until I felt sleep in the floor.
“Hun, do you want some pizza?” I love pizza but I can’t look to my feet while walking and eating pizza.
“No” and we continue walking.
I look to my feet and remembered the others time it has saved me from nasty things.
“Do you want to play boyfriend and girlfriend ‘kid’?” ‘Adult Cousin’ asked me. He is an adult too, he is like 14 years but I like him because he likes to play with me.
“How do we play?” I said standing up from the couch in my mommy bedroom.
“Come to the bed I’ll teach you. “ I did. He laid next to me and put his mouth to mine. Pushing his tongue into my mouth. I squeeze my mouth and eyes really tight.
“I don’t want to play this game. It’s boring” I stand from the bed and went back to the couch were I could look at my funny foot.
“Your such a baby ‘kid’. ‘Sister’ and I always play, and she is good at it. Don’t you want to be better than you sister” I kept looking at my feet swinging them front and back.
“I don’t want to play adults game anymore. They’re boring. I want to play Barbie” I stand up to go to my room. Still looking at my feet. Wondering, wouldn’t it be even funnier if it was facing all the way back, people would never guess witch direction I’m walking.
“Look ‘kid’” He had his thing out. And although it didn’t looked the same as ‘uncle’s’ it was still ugly.”It will feel good if I put in your baby maker” I ran crying to my room and hide under the bed, forgetting about the bogeyman that lived there.
“’Kid’ you have to look ether side of the street before crossing it.” Mommy was holding my hand, why would she want me to see the way if she can care for me. I look ether side and we crossed the street.
“Let’s play hide and seek” Said my cousin. This one is not an adult, he’s my age. And we are always together. “You seek” He said to my three years old cousin. I smiled knowing he will never find me. “We hide”
“Come lets hide” ‘Cousin’ took me by the hand and lead me to the hallway of the building were he lives. “This apartment is empty and the door is open” He whispered. Yeay we’ll never be found! I though.
We close the door and stand facing each other in the corner. Giggling. After a few minutes I got bored.
“Lets go, I’m bor-“I was saying when ‘cousin’ trust his face to mine and push his tongue to my mouthe.He moved his head from side to side like adults in the soap opera my mommy likes to watch. I pushed him.
“What’s this?” I asked a little scare, but not sure of what.
“Is a game. Lets pretend we are adults” He whispered. “‘Uncle’ thought me. Just like in the TV.” My cousins always put the adult channel when our daddies and mommies got together to talk, or do what ever boring thing adults do when they get together. We watched TV together.
“Did ‘sister’ do this?” I asked him. He nod fast.
“To my brother. I saw them.” I nod. And he took off his pant, and push me down to my knees.
“Do you remember how they do it on TV ‘kid’?” I nod. Tears coming down my face. “You’ll like it” he said putting his hands on my air. I close my eyes and imagine the thing that makes me the happiest. My crooked feet.
“Here play with your dolls while the doctor calls us” my mommy gave me my Barbie. “Later we can go to grandma’s OK?” I nod.
We were in the car. My daddy was driving and I was in the back between my mommy and ‘friend’; a friend of my daddy. ‘Sister’ was in the front sitting on the legs of my daddy’s other friend.
“Uyy, it’s cold. Would you share you cover with me ‘kid’?” Said ‘friend’ to me. I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to share my cover; I know it was a big one but I’m not good sharing.
“’kid’! Share your cover with ‘Friend’” Yelled my daddy to me. Just with his voice he always makes me cry. I gave ‘Friend’ one end of the cover. And he lowered himself on the car seat and got cover. After awhile my mommy and ‘sister’ were sleeping and I was about to fell asleep when I felt a big hand going under my dress. I look to ‘friend’ and he had his eyes close but his hands were on my panties. I looked to my mommy then my daddy. Daddy would yell to me if I tell him. I don’t like to hear daddy’s voice. So I shut my eyes while ‘friend’s’ hands on me. He was hurting me. i tried to see my feet but didn't dare to move. Don’t cry ‘kid’. I said to myself before falling asleep. This is just another adult's game.
“Aren’t you happy ‘kid’?” said my mommy after the doctor put a cast on my foot. “Your foot will be straight by your birthday!” she said happy. Why would I be happy? I’m losing the most beautiful thing I have.
“I just hope lives’ easier for a six year old.” I said while she stopped a taxi.
“To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself.”